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True Detective Stories

By Wyatt Earp | February 10, 2009

It has gotten to the point where the morons are finding me.

I was at the division this morning when a knucklehead came to the window. Again, after staring at the “Please Slide Window Open” sign for a few minutes, I had to ask her to read it and comply. She agreed, and I was sorry she did. This is our exchange:

Woman: “I need to ask you a few questions.”
Me: (Thinking: Oh, here we go.) “Yes, ma’am, what do you need?”

Woman: “I have a court case going on downstairs, and I need some information.”
Me: “Okay, how can I help you?”

Woman: “There are a few people in the courtroom, and I need their personal information.”
Me: “Are they involved in your case?”
Woman: “Yes.”
Me: “Well, you can usually get that information from the assistant district attorney.”

Woman: “Well . . . um . . . ”
Me: “Are you a victim or a defendant?”

Woman: “I’m a defendant.”
Me: “Okay, well you should really get this information from your lawyer.”
Woman: “But he’s not here, and I really need this information.”
Me: “Ma’am, who are these people whose information you want?”
Woman: “They’re the witnesses in my case.”

(Cue sound of my head exploding.)

Me: “Excuse me?”
Woman: “They are the witnesses in my case. I just need their names and addresses.”

Me: “This is a joke, right? You have a camera hidden in your purse, right?”
Woman: “No!”
Me: “Ma’am, we cannot give you the personal information of the witnesses that are going to testify against you.”
Woman: “Why not?”
Me: “Because if we did, you could go to their residence and intimidate them into dropping their testimony. That’s why.”

(The woman stormed off.)

When my co-workers and I were finished laughing, I told them what I thought her next words would be:

“But detective, I just want to ‘drive by’ the people’s houses!”

Topics: The Job |

8 Responses to “True Detective Stories”

  1. dragonlady474 Says:
    February 10th, 2009 at 4:59 pm

    OMG…What the hell is wrong with people?? If someone is that clueless, maybe they should just give up. lolol

  2. kaveman Says:
    February 10th, 2009 at 5:54 pm

    I’m starting to think it might be you who needs to wire up a hidden camera.

    You could start a side business selling the videos back to the Police Academy as training aids.

  3. Smite A. Hippie Says:
    February 10th, 2009 at 6:46 pm

    yeah you could totally sell them to Fox or TruTV or something.

    “America’s Funniest Police Desk Videos”
    “True Detective Stories: Philadelphia”
    “America’s Top Idiot”
    “Here’s Your Sign, America!”
    “Here’s Your Sign, Philly!”
    “Idiot 911″
    “Window Sliders”

    well… I’ll keep working on it…

  4. RT Says:
    February 10th, 2009 at 6:52 pm

    And that’s when she pulled out a fat one and fired up in front of you, right? Right?

  5. AJ Says:
    February 10th, 2009 at 6:59 pm

    RT, if Philly is anything like Chicago, some officers would probably just ask if they could “hit that.” (this is not a sexual reference. currently.)

    Not implying anything, Wyatt. I know you’re clean.

  6. Woody Says:
    February 10th, 2009 at 10:39 pm

    Two things:

    1) These are always good for a laugh. Thanks for sharing them.

    2) It terrifies me that people like her have the right to vote. The results of this are going to be even more terrifying… stay tuned.

    Keep up the good work Wyatt! Both at your job and on your blog.

  7. Rick Says:
    February 10th, 2009 at 10:56 pm

    I needed a laugh today. Thank-You.
    Do you have a valium iv to stay so calm?

  8. John D Says:
    February 11th, 2009 at 9:32 am

    Yeah, and I also need the following:

    1. Their social security numbers

    2. Bank account numbers

    3. The names of their kids, and the schools their kids attend

    4. Pictures of their kids, if possible

    Don’t worry, it’s all on the up-and-up. I’m not going to use the information to do anything illegal. I promise.

    Come on Detective, get moving. I don’t have all day. I pay your salary, you know. Or at least I would… if I paid taxes.