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I Suck-Diddly-Uck

By Wyatt Earp | January 5, 2009

<i>That's my puck, baby, don't you ever touch my puck.</i>

That's my puck, baby, don't you ever touch my puck.

And apparently, Happy Gilmore is a better hockey player than I am. I don’t even have his amazing slap shot.

So, do you wanna know how the game went?

Well, I arrived at my “Happy Place” early because it’s been three months since I played, and I wanted to make sure I remembered how to put my gear on. (Don’t ask. I have a system that is both obsessive-compulsive and superstitious.) Our game was set to start at 10pm, and with fifteen minutes before game time, there were five of us in the locker room.

(For those of you in the South - or in Long Island, where they don’t have a real NHL team - ice hockey is played with six on the ice at a time.)

Finally, some of our late arrivals made it to the locker room - *cough* badger and Fish *cough* - and we were set to play . . . with a total of 8 skaters.

Let me ’splain something to everyone. When you are playing three 15-minute periods of ice hockey, you get tired right quick. A few shifts into the game, and many of us our bent over like Lindsay Lohan on a first date. So, when you have only three subs on the bench, you find yourself on the ice a lot. And in all honesty, the shifts go from 2 minutes - the ideal - to 4 minutes - not so ideal. By the second period, we were sucking wind.

That being said, we were playing fairly well. Team 22 has two unbelievably fast skaters, but other than that, they are rather average. Our fast skaters - besides Randal and Glenn - sat this game out. Apparently, there was an Eagles game yesterday, and a lot of the guys put themselves on the injured drunken reserve list. Thanks for that, guys!

In the third period, we were ahead by a score of 3-2. Pay attention now, because here is where my suckitude comes into play. Halfway through the period, we won a face-off in our own zone. I went to the boards and was fighting an opponent for the puck, leaving my point (I play right wing) wide open. I knew it was a mistake, but I was the closest person to the puck at the time. The other guy wins the board battle and passes it to the point. The point I am supposed to be covering. I skated toward him as he was winding up . . .

Do you want to finish the anecdote, or should I? Well, for the benefit of Eagles fans, I’ll explain . . . slowly. Heh. The point player snared the puck and blasted a slap shot right past Badger for the game-tying goal. If I chose to slide in front of the puck, that may have saved the goal, but that thought didn’t really enter my mind until the puck was away. Frak-Up #1.

Late in the third period, Vincent Antonelli, Gusty and I skate up ice with the puck. Vincent gets it behind the net, so I set up in front of the opposing goaltender, while a defenseman is all over my back covering me. By the grace of God, the puck comes right to me as I am a foot from the net. The goaltender dives onto his side to block my first shot, but the rebound comes right back to me. All I have to do is lift the puck and I win the game.

Again, you want to do it, or shall I? I will do the dishonors. I get the puck on my stick, try to lift it over the goaltender, and instead - shoot it right into his stacked pads. And that would be Frak-Up #2.

We make it to overtime and no one scores. The shootout doesn’t come into play for our league until the playoffs. So, while we did end the game with a tie, I blew two - count ‘em, two - chances to help my team win the game. In the locker room, I apologized to my teammates for costing them the win and limped home.

If anyone needs me I’ll be crying in my basement.

Topics: Ice Hockey |

9 Responses to “I Suck-Diddly-Uck”

  1. Deanna Says:
    January 5th, 2009 at 8:28 am

    *sniff* Moment of silence.

  2. Sully Says:
    January 5th, 2009 at 10:12 am

    Ouch,…. thats just painful. We’ve all been there, it’s just your turn.

  3. Doghouse Says:
    January 5th, 2009 at 12:01 pm

    It’s your first game back. You’ll be fine. And at least you were there.

  4. Alan B Says:
    January 5th, 2009 at 4:46 pm

    Even million pound/dollar players have bad games.

    Manchester United are the best club football team in the world (and they have the cup to prove it!) but they don’t win every game (Won 11, drawn 5 lost 2 so far in the Premier League).
    Cristiano Ronaldo, probably the best player in the world - definitely best in Europe (and he has the award to prove it). Does he score every game? No. Does he have off games when he doesn’t even try and the Manager tears his hair out? You bet!!

    Did you have an off game? Yes. Did you try? Sounds like you did. 1 up on Cristiano Ronaldo.

  5. RT Says:
    January 5th, 2009 at 8:10 pm

    Here’s some ! (SENTENCE ENHANCER ALERT!!!)

    Btw., Ronaldo scores way more off the pitch than he does on.

  6. Easily Lost Says:
    January 5th, 2009 at 9:31 pm

    Blame all the duct tape residue, I would.

  7. Wyatt Earp Says:
    January 5th, 2009 at 11:15 pm

    Deanna - Please remove your hat and/or bonnet.

    Sully - And it was a big, disappointing turn.

    Doghouse - I know, but I get like this sometimes. best to ride the wave.

    Alan - Maybe we can switch places. I can’t be much worse at soccer/football than he is at hockey.


    E.L. - Or the new hockey stick. First time out, and I didn’t score. Must be cursed.

  8. USA_Admiral Says:
    January 6th, 2009 at 10:07 am

    You play and you learn, it could have been something to do with needing oxygen.

    The crying basement would be a great thing for me to have too.

  9. Wyatt Earp Says:
    January 6th, 2009 at 10:10 pm

    Admiral - I had that built after my second son was born. Heh.