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By Wyatt Earp | November 28, 2005

I’m prepared to scour the Earth for that motherf**ker. If Butch goes to Indochina, I want a ni**er waiting in a bowl of rice ready to pop a cap in his ass.” – Marsellus Wallace, Pulp Fiction

Sometimes, blog posts just write themselves. Especially when you deal with idiots and toads all day. Take last night. for instance. The Queen of the Toads drug her ample backside into roll call, sat down, and immediately fell asleep! I kid you not. I smacked my partner, and titled my head at Sleeping Ugly. My partner took his flashlight and shined it in her face, startling her into semi-consciousness. (This is the same “cop” who fell asleep in her police car at HQ.) M.T. – the “cop’s” first and middle initials – scowled and said, “I’m gonna slap you!

M.T. is a study of incompetence. She leads the league in most offensive categories, including sick time abuse, vacation days used, and roll calls missed. None of these, however, can hold a candle to the squirrel’s nest she calls a hairdo. It’s bad enough that she resembles Shirley Hemphill from What’s Happening?, but does she still need the 70′s afro, too? Content to flaunt her non-compliance to departmental directives, M.T. has (on separate occasions) dyed her hair pink, maroon, and purple! That may be a good look for Pandy, but not for a police officer.

So, it was no surprise when after spending 51 minutes writing a parking ticket, she stopped answering police radio, who had called and checked her status. No answer. After three attempts to raise her, the sergeant came over the air: “Have a unit go to her last location and see if the officer is there.” She wasn’t. Now, cars are moving in to her last known location to assist in the search, and a certain nameless co-worker (*cough* Wagonsux *cough*) sends me a text message which says, “Operation Find M.T. is now in effect.” I laughed so hard, I almost drove off the road.

It is now ten minutes into the search, and still no sign of M.T. Almost every car in my district is in the area, searching high and low for her or her vehicle. We get bupkis. Now we’re getting pissed, primarily because we know she’s asleep somewhere. Thirteen minutes after the search begins, M.T. finally comes over the air, by saying (incredibly), “10, I’m available.” That’s all. No explanation, and no acknowledgment of the unanswered calls.

The sergeant immediately comes over the air, and says, “What is 10 car’s location?” M.T. says, “I’m at (the location of her last assignment).” This is impossible, because I am at the location of her last assignment when she says that. The sergeant then says, “Have 10 car meet me at the diner.” M.T. responds, and then turns on to the street where I am sitting. She is moving pretty fast, as if she were in a big rush to get back where she was supposed to be. As she approaches my car, I roll down the window to see if she is okay. Well, I never got the chance, since she blew right past me. Nice gal.

After the meeting, word gets around that M.T. claimed she was assigned the illegal parker job, went there, wrote the ticket, and resumed patrol. Then, radio re-sent her back to the same location (as if they would do that), and she was enroute back when we were looking for her. As Dr. Evil would say, “Riiiiight!” She never explained why she didn’t answer the radio the dozen or so times she was called. Not that it mattered, since the sergeant bought her line of b.s., and was defending her later to the troops!

M.T.’s nametag says “M.T. Xxxxxx.” It should say, “M.T. Head!

Topics: Uncategorized | 14 Comments »

14 Responses to “Lost”

  1. SK Says:
    November 28th, 2005 at 11:00 am

    WHY does she still have a job? For that matter, if the sergeant is so perceptive that he bought her bs, why does he still have a job? I’d fire her fat ass just for the described hair do’s, or hair don’ts if ya will! Turn her over to a classy Cosmotologist and she’s outta there :)

  2. Dr. Phat Tony Says:
    November 28th, 2005 at 11:05 am

    I’m thinking that Being a cop in PA might be fairly easy if I can roll like M.T.

  3. rightwingprof Says:
    November 28th, 2005 at 12:41 pm

    You clearly have no respect for diversity, and need to go to a few sensitivity training sessions for the differently-abled and differently-dyed hairdos.

    Consider yourself chastised.

  4. Pandy Says:
    November 28th, 2005 at 2:28 pm

    What what? I could leave my hair dyed cherry red AND be a cop? Sounds like my dream come true!

  5. Sssssteve Says:
    November 28th, 2005 at 3:22 pm

    Wow!!! What a Moron!! Happy Belated Thanksgiving everyone!!!

  6. Anonymous Says:
    November 28th, 2005 at 7:06 pm

    Just another slap in the face to all the hardworking PO’s in Philly.

    Then again it’s no wonder things are the way they are. You’ve got a PC who bad mouths his own officers. NOT GOOD! On top of that, you’ve got a racist, corrupt mayor who cares only about lining his pockets, as well as his brother’s and his cronies.

    I feel for you, Wyatt. You and all those that really DO care are to be commended.

  7. Wyatt Earp Says:
    November 28th, 2005 at 7:08 pm

    SK – Why? Because it’s Philadelphia. They hire a lot worse. Hell, I got a job!!! The sergeant is a toad who just doesn’t want to be bothered anymore, and once an officer survives probation (6 months), they almost have to murder someone to get fired.

    Doc – Hell, you could be commissioner!

    Prof – I am sorry. I will write “I will not pick on toads” 100 times on the blackboard.

    Stella – You would probably work, so you wouldn’t get away with it. It’s a toad thing.

    Sssteve – Word. Hope your holiday went well.

  8. Wyatt Earp Says:
    November 28th, 2005 at 7:15 pm

    Anon – No biggie. Everyone has toads at their workplace. Just not everyone’s toads can get them killed. I’ll forgive the PC if he ever promotes me – we’ve had better, but we’ve also had worse. As far as the mayor, I wouldn’t cross the street to slap him across the head.

  9. wagonsux Says:
    November 28th, 2005 at 7:18 pm

    Car 54 where are you?

    Amber Alert…. Amber Alert….

    This happened a couple weeks ago also. She blamed a bad radio. I figured she must have signed out the same radio again. Wyatt, do you know what radio she was using? I’ll have to be sure not to grab that one.

    M.T. and Mr. Personality are on the wagon tonight. I’ll bet she’s asleep before the truck leaves the yard.

    It’s not her fault she falls asleep so easily. She has to be exhuasted shuffling her “ample backside” around.

  10. Wyatt Earp Says:
    November 28th, 2005 at 7:27 pm

    Wagon – Wow, the A-Team on the wagon? They might as well call off sick, since we’ll never see/hear them.

    BTW, the “Operation Find M.T.” line was classic!!

  11. rt Says:
    November 28th, 2005 at 7:48 pm

    A drug test sounds like it is needed. I so honestly had Shirley Hemphill going through the head before you mentioned her. HEY ROGGGGGGGG!!!!! The toad sounds like she is missing her sense of humor, too. Seriously, you have a tough enough job without people like her potentially putting your life at risk….beeeeeeeeeaaaatch! I’ve been around teenagers all day. I think my language needs to improve. Sorry. Hey! You won a game!

  12. bitstreamer Says:
    November 29th, 2005 at 2:26 am

    I’m sorry to hear that yahoos like her make your tough job even harder. You’re always going to have slackers in every job, but the situation’s usually worse when it’s almost impossible to get fired or laid off, and you lower your standards to pander to some political interest group. I know. I work with the federal government every day.

  13. bitstreamer Says:
    November 29th, 2005 at 2:45 am

    Oh, your post reminded me of my favorite Philly police story. Check it out.

  14. Wyatt Earp Says:
    November 29th, 2005 at 9:25 am

    RT – Thanks for the concern (and the harsh language – oh my!). I wish there weren’t as many awful cops out there, but there are.

    Bitstreamer – Welcome! The lack of effort is more widespread than you can ever imagine. It’s a damned shame.

    BTW, your cop story was priceless!