Recent Posts

Recent Comments


Cop Land

« | Main | »

Reader Mail

By Wyatt Earp | July 23, 2005

Today is as good a day as any to answer the voluminous amount of reader mail that floats my way. These are actual letters from actual readers.* Enjoy!

Q: Wyatt (if that is your real name), what do you really look like?

A: No, it is not my real name, but my nome de plume (is that French?). As for the looks, I happen to have a picture of myself right here:

Frightening, isn’t it? Okay, this is actually Drew Carey, but ask anyone who knows me: with my glasses on, I’m a dead ringer. And, I’m not as secure in my appearance as Dr. Phat Tony is, so you’ll probably never see the real me. So, to answer your question, I am vulgarly unattractive. At least Drew has money to lure the ladies. I’ve got bubkis.

Q: Jeepers, your posts suck! Why do you continue this futile attempt at writing?

A: Terrific question. Let me answer it in three parts. First, I agree I suck rocks. My writing has taken a nosedive since my days at The Hawk (my university newspaper, where I was really pretty darned . . . um, average). Blogging keeps me in writing shape (hey, round is a shape!) until I land a book deal. Second, I abandoned my first blog because it wasn’t fun anymore (some of my liberal “friends” hijacked my comments section), and the six months off made me rusty. I’m still trying to work out the kinks, and hadn’t told my friends I started blogging again until SYLG was a month old. Finally, if you don’t like what I post, get bent. (Nah, I’m just kidding, I am desperate for readership. I will do anything to keep folks checking back. Anything!)

Q: What is being a police officer really like?

A: On average, it’s seven and a three-quarter hours of boredom, and fifteen minutes of adrenaline-fueled terror. For every shooting and vehicle/foot pursuit, there are fifty calls for loud music, disorderly crowds, and message deliveries. I have a much better chance of dying in an auto accident at work than being gunned down in a back alley shootout.

Q: Have you ever been scared during a call?

A: No. Not a chance. Never. Oh, okay, probably about fifty percent of the time. Unlike most of the cops in my platoon, I draw my pistol when I check burglar alarms. I have my hand on my gun (and my holster unsnapped) when I do a car stop. And I am deathly afraid of heights (but don’t tell my partner, because she thinks I’m not). One time, the two of us had a call for a burglar alarm at a warehouse. We needed to check the roof, because it was burglarized before at that point of entry. Doris told me that she was scared of heights, and I said she didn’t have to go up the hook and ladder (courtesy of the Philadelphia Fire Department). She did it anyway, which I still give her tremendous credit for, while I was sweating my way up. It wasn’t so bad ascending, but the trip down had me shaking. It may not seem manly, but yes, I do get scared on the job.

* Not a guarantee. My few readers rarely ask me questions. Sorry for the lie.

Topics: Q And A | 3 Comments »

3 Responses to “Reader Mail”

  1. Dr. Phat Tony Says:
    July 23rd, 2005 at 10:45 pm

    I have a question then (I’m a real reader),I would figure most of the police department personnel would be conservative, like yourself, give a ratio so I can get an idea of how conservative/liberal police officers are.

  2. Damian G. Says:
    July 23rd, 2005 at 11:00 pm

    My Democrat maths teacher was a policeman – he even got shot THREE times.

    The bullets went into his hand, arm and elbow; he was shielding his head, which would have been hit at point-blank range.

  3. Wyatt Earp Says:
    July 24th, 2005 at 6:05 am

    DPT – I can only go by those officers I know personally, but in my district, almost all of us were pulling for G.W. Of course, since Philly hasn’t had a Dem mayor in over 50 years, Republican police officers don’t have as much pull as Democrat union guys.

    Damian – Ouch, man!