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Gun Crazy (Emphasis On Crazy)

By Wyatt Earp | July 14, 2005

Even Vincent and Jules weren’t this stupid.

Dig if you will, a picture: two men on opposite sides of the law, doing something borderline insane in the course of a few minutes. Last night, the theft of an auto almost resulted in the serious injury of two men. Here are their separate stories (in my best Quentin Tarantino jumping scenes). It’s a little lengthy, but bear with me.

At approximately 0230, bad man jumps into an idling, unlocked SUV. Bad man steals the car with a squeal of the wheels, and drives southbound on a major road at a high rate of speed.

About a mile south of the scene, good man hears the information of the theft, and decides to intercept the fleeing vehicle.

A witness to the theft notifies police, who give chase immediately.

Bad man ignores traffic signals and police sirens. His pursuit is all the more exciting, considering the crack cocaine in his system.

Good man realizes the pursuit is headed directly for his HQ, leaves his desk, and runs to the roadside.

Bad man notices his pursuers, and ignores their attempts to try and stop him.

Good man hears that bad man is still leading police cars on a high speed chase, and refusing to stop his vehicle.

Bad man is still eluding police, and still heading southbound – directly towards the police HQ.

Good man sees the stolen vehicle, and (unwisely) steps into the roadway.

Bad man still refuses to stop or even slow down.

Good man draws his pistol.

Bad man is still coming.

Good man is getting worried, but keeps his weapon in the “high ready” position. Not really aiming at the vehicle, but in a position to do so.

Good man is starting to get worried. Bad man is closing in.

Backup arrives in the form of pursuing vehicles coming northbound, and bad man finally stops approximately 200 yards in front of good man.

Good man runs toward the stolen vehicle.

Bad man refuses to exit the stolen vehicle. Backup uses their nightsticks to attempt to smash the driver’s side window.

Good man reaches scene, but ducks when he hears the nightsticks cracking against the window, mistaking the sound for gunfire!

Bad man finally exits the vehicle, and assaults two members of the backup.

Good man holsters his weapon.

Bad man continues to fight backup. Bad man loses fight.

Good man finally realizes that staring down a speeding SUV was idiotic, unsafe, and reckless. Good man’s adrenaline dissipates. Good man starts shaking. Good man needs new shorts.

Long story short (I know, too late.) The stolen car was a Philadelphia police cruiser. The bad man was a guy high on crack who thought it would be a good idea to steal a police car when the officer left the running vehicle to throw out some trash. The good man is yours truly. (I know, I’m not that good, but what are you gonna do?) I was working in my district HQ last night instead of on the street. I don’t wear my ballistic vest when I’m inside, so in hindsight, running outside was an asinine thing to do. The adrenaline got the best of me – why else would I think standing in front of a speeding stolen car with my gun pointed at it would be a smart thing to do? – and when I heard the “gunshots,” I thought, “This is it, I’m gonna get killed.” At the time, I was running towards the stolen cruiser, without a vest, and the backup officers were pointing their weapons in my direction! Hence the need for new shorts.

Just thought you’d like to hear about my day.

Topics: True Police Stories | 5 Comments »

5 Responses to “Gun Crazy (Emphasis On Crazy)”

  1. Steve Says:
    July 14th, 2005 at 7:32 pm

    First! Wa La! With Flare!

  2. Steve Says:
    July 14th, 2005 at 7:34 pm

    What in the world were you thinking? what are you “Crazy” or something? Be careful “Crazy” man!!

  3. Wyatt Earp Says:
    July 14th, 2005 at 7:57 pm

    Steve – 1. It’s spelled “voila,” but I like your non-French version.

    2. I wasn’t thinking. I must’ve left my brain in my other pants.

  4. Dr. Phat Tony Says:
    July 14th, 2005 at 8:24 pm

    ..or with you vest. Wait! For God’s sake don’t tell me you were staring down a car with a 9mm were you? Please say you had a bullet that might have stopped at least the man.

  5. Wyatt Earp Says:
    July 14th, 2005 at 8:46 pm

    Uhhh . . . no comment. You must have missed the “I wasn’t thinking” part.

    Come on, this is Philly, they don’t give us anything better than a Glock 17!