Caption Contest Winners

By Wyatt Earp | November 28, 2011 9:30 pm

The You Damned, Dirty Humans Caption Contest has now concluded.

There were a lot of great captions again this week, which is good because I really love the photo.

So, with that, let’s take a gander at how everyone fared.

Top Five Entries:
5. “So I sez to Spidey ya can’t keep a good monkey down . . . next thing ya know.” – Jon Brooks
4. A minor setback and back to the drawing board for Code Monkey, who’s plans for world domination were deflated when her avatar was finally caught. – Smite A. Hippie
3. Getting inside Rosie O’Donnell’s fishnets proved far easier than getting out! – Proof
2. That’s the last time I listen to those smelly people with signs, who promise bananas. – DragonLady474

WINNER! – Send Lawyers, guns, and monkeys. The sh*t has hit the fan. – Rodney Dill

Wonder If The Car’s Name Was Christine?

By Wyatt Earp | November 28, 2011 4:30 pm

Say what you want about Philly, but our thugs kill people in unorthodox ways.

Police say a man was struck and killed by his girlfriend after a heated argument in the Grays Ferry section of Philadelphia. The incident happened around 2:00 a.m. Sunday near the intersection of Morris and South Ringgold streets.

Police tell Action News that the couple was arguing inside the vehicle. As the man got out, the woman used the vehicle to strike the man and push him into the side of a home. The impact of the car crushed the man and he was pronounced dead at the scene.

This was homicide #302 for the year, and it’s not even December yet.

By Wyatt Earp | November 28, 2011 11:30 am

The Department of Health and Human Services is trying out a to promote “feel-good” stories about its Health Care Reform plan, aka Obamacare.

HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius apparently believes Obamacare is still popular and people are excited for its implementation.

“This month, we’re highlighting the many reasons to be thankful for these new benefits. So we put out the call asking you to give us a few examples about the new health care benefits you’re thankful for, and share stories about how you’ve been helped by the law. Using the hashtag #ThanksHCR”

You can see where this is going, right?

Occupy Egypt Toads Return To U.S.

By Wyatt Earp | November 28, 2011 6:30 am

The lesson here is that if you are an American committing acts of terrorism abroad, our country will bail you out and give you safe passage home.

Three American students arrested during a protest in Cairo have arrived home after being released from prison yesterday. Gregory Porter was the first to land at Philadelphia International Airport on Saturday afternoon. Fellow students Derrik Sweeney, 19 and Luke Gates, 21 landed on American soil later on Saturday.

Check out the smirk on Porter and tell me he doesn’t know what he got away with.

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Charles Schulz Would Be Proud

By Wyatt Earp | November 27, 2011 7:00 pm

After coming home from Thanksgiving dinner at the in-laws, the kids plopped in front of the TV to watch A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving. It’s a classic American tradition. While we were watching Snoopy throw plates of “dinner” toward Charlie and the gang the missus had an idea. She asked the kids and they were all for it.

Last night, the kids had their very own Charlie Brown Thanksgiving dinner. The missus brought out paper plates and gave each of the kids toast, pretzel sticks, and popcorn. (We didn’t add the jelly beans, because Erik is the only one who likes them.)

The results are below the fold.

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Science Is Awesome!

By Wyatt Earp | November 27, 2011 1:30 pm

Okay, many of us made fun of the “science geeks” when we were growing up. We figured they would spend their lives in the lab with their asthma inhalers and pocket protectors.

Now, they’re conducting experiments that would make a lot of us jealous.

Researchers at the University of Tampere and Aalto University showed volunteer men and women photos of models in varying stages of undress. The volunteers’ electrical brain activity was monitored. Professor Jari Hietanen reports the less clothes the models wore, the quicker each volunteer’s grey matter kicked into action.

“In less than 0.2 seconds, the brain processes pictures of nude bodies more efficiently than clothed bodies,” Professor Hietanen says. “Responses were the strongest when the participants looked at (nudes), the second strongest to bodies in swimsuits, and the weakest to fully clothed bodies.” (H/T – Ace of Spades HQ)

The brain is a complicated and wonderful thing. And I didn’t want to ignore the ladies’ grey matter, so there’s something for them below the fold.

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Bad Movie Is Causing Worse Seizures

By Wyatt Earp | November 27, 2011 8:00 am

Just when you thought Twilight couldn’t get any worse . . .

It’s known for causing mass hysteria among its fans, however several reports are faulting “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn” for causing a different reaction from audience members this time around – seizures.

Brandon Gephart had to be rushed to the emergency room after falling ill while watching Bella’s much talked about birth scene. While viewing the ultra-gory blood-filled sequence, which features sudden bursts of light, Brandon began “convulsing, snorting, trying to breathe.”

“I didn’t really remember what happened after that I think I blacked out. I was shaking and mumbling different noises,” Gephart told ABC News.

Quick poll: Which is more unmanly; seeing Twilight: Breaking Dawn in a theater, or having a seizure during a birth scene?

PA Synagogue Goes Above And Beyond

By Wyatt Earp | November 26, 2011 7:00 pm

Despite the Black Friday nonsense, it’s nice to know there are good stories out there.

Sometime around midnight, deep inside Kesher Israel Congregation’s big old South Bend industrial gas stove, the fire went out. About 20 volunteers were preparing for the Orthodox Jewish synagogue’s 10th annual feast for Harrisburg city firemen and police officers.

“Everyone was feeling aware of the sacrifice our firefighters were willing to go through for us,” explained Rabbi Akiva Males. “They said, ‘We’ve got to find some time during the year to thank our local firefighters.’ Everyone felt Thanksgiving was the most appropriate time to do that.”

Originally just for city firemen, last year the program was expanded to include city police officers. “They’re keeping our communities safe. It’s a great way to express our thanks,” said Males. (H/T – J. Smith)

There are some good people in that congregation. Really good people.

Gidda, Gidda, Catfight!

By Wyatt Earp | November 26, 2011 1:15 pm

There’s nothing better than a good, old-fashioned catfight. That is, unless it’s a Black Friday catfight initiated by a sale on Victoria’s Secret yoga pants.

If you’re so stressed that you need to punch out a fellow customer, maybe the yoga isn’t working for ya.

With many businesses opening much earlier this year, stores had waves of customers at places like Monroeville Mall, where many stores opened at midnight unlike the normal doorbuster rush of Black Fridays past. One of the most climactic parts of the day was at Victoria’s Secret, where a hot deal on yoga pants had some women fuming.

“Literally, girls were punching each other,” said shopper Liz Wentling. “They threw little bags in baskets and they were just like, ‘Here.’ Girls were literally shoving each other, moms were getting into it.”

If the ad execs at Victoria’s Secret were smart, they would release a commercial based upon this event:

“Victoria’s Secret yoga pants. Comfortable when you’re kicking people in the teeth.”

Sometimes You Get The Bear Rug . . .

By Wyatt Earp | November 26, 2011 7:30 am

Kate Beckinsale is back, and she’s hotter than ever. And the accent; oh, the accent.

She’s been off the big screen for over a year now, but Kate Beckinsale is about to be back with a vengeance. The English beauty, 38, has four new films in the pipeline, the first of which is Underworld: Awakening.

‘I’ve been away for a whole year,’ she told Flaunt magazine in a new interview and photoshoot to promote the film. ‘It’s been great. I didn’t find anything I wanted to do enough to take me away from my kid.’

In a black and white shoot, Beckinsale reclines on a lion’s head rug in a bejeweled swimsuit, and dons hotpants and a pair of knee-high boots.

Ladies, this should be the go-to wardrobe for most of you. Just sayin’.