Category Archives: Soccer

A Real Kick In The Balls

Olivier Giroud FranceIn the irony of all ironies, all four of the countries which banned their World Cup players from having sex were eliminated by the round of sixteen.

Having an orgasm won’t lose you the World Cup it seems, with this most dodgy of principles being disproved by the fact that all four teams that publicly banned their players from having sex at the tournament have now gone out.

Russia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Chile and Mexico, all of which imposed a no sex rule, have now been eliminated, suggesting that sexual frustration doesn’t give players a crucial edge in terms of motivation.

Brazil, which is still in, allows sex… as long as it’s not “acrobatic.” True story.

Tim Howard For President!

Tim Howard Makes Another SaveDammit.

After an impressive run, the United States soccer team was eliminated yesterday by those beer-drinking, waffle-making, pseudo-Huns from Belgium.

It’s a damned shame because 1. it was a game they could have won, and 2. U.S. goalie Tim Howard played out of his mind.

The United States’ World Cup dream ended on Tuesday night with a 2-1 extra-time defeat to Belgium in the round of 16.

“After 120 minutes we gave everything to the fans and the crowd,” U.S. coach Jurgen Klinsmann said. “It was a real drama, a real thriller. We had enough opportunities to equalize at the end or even put it away earlier. But I have to be complimentary to Belgium for moving on to the quarterfinals.”

Depleted by injuries and visibly exhausted, Klinsmann’s side had to withstand a near-constant attacking onslaught from a talented Belgian side. The onus to do so was almost solely on Team USA’s stalwart goalkeeper Tim Howard, and he delivered one of the best performances of the tournament in a losing effort. Belgium had 38 shots and 27 of them were on goal. Howard finished the game with 16 saves – the most in a World Cup game since 1966 – and was named Man of the Match for his memorable outing.

Sadly at 35, this will most likely be Howard’s final World Cup appearance. He will be remembered as one of the greatest goaltenders in U.S. soccer history.

Soccer: It’s A Blast

Kyle Playing Goal At Beach Blast

I apologize for the lack of posting yesterday, but it has been an awful, stressful week. There were a few major events here I had to deal with during the week, and this weekend we were in Wildwood, New Jersey for the 2014 Beach Blast – a soccer tournament on the beach. Both Kyle and Erik’s teams were playing, so we took a mini vacation at the Jersey shore.

Kyle (above, the goalie in blue) played well during his three games, even though his team was completely outmatched. His team was split into two smaller teams, and as (un)luck would have it, Kyle’s team was seeded in the A bracket… with teams chock full of superstars. They lost their first game 10-0, and the second game 9-1. They did, however, play well in their final game, losing 2-1 on a late heartbreaking goal. Kyle pulled saves out his butt that last game, and made a nice save with his face. Even the referee came over and told him he was playing out of his mind…

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Hope Floats… To Jail

Hope SoloHope Solo, arguably the hottest soccer player in the face of the Earth, followed in her husband’s footsteps after being arrested for domestic violence yesterday.

Soccer star Hope Solo was arrested on domestic violence charges early Saturday after allegedly assaulting both her sister and nephew at a home in Seattle, Washington.

Solo, 32, goalie for the Seattle Reign FC and a former Olympian, was being held without bail in the south King County jail on domestic-violence assault charges, according to a statement from the Kirkland Police Department.

Police said Solo allegedly assaulted her sister and a 17-year-old nephew early Saturday. Officers responded to a 911 call for a disturbance in which a male reported that a woman would not stop “hitting people” or leave the house, the statement said.

Okay, I’m not gonna lie; this looks pretty bad. That said, Hope is now available to receive conjugal visit sex. I plan to be the first guy to sign the Visitor’s Log.

The World Cup Is A Messi Proposition

So, the Earp Clan has seen every game of the 2014 World Cup. Like it or not, we’re a soccer family, and the game doesn’t get any better than during the Cup. Almost every game has been competitive, the U.S won their opener, as did Argentina – Erik’ favorite team. Argentina faced off against Iran today, so the boy and I watched the festivities.

The game was tight, with no scoring going into extra time. Enter Erik’s favorite player – Lionel Messi…

GOOOOOOOOOOL! Erik and I screamed so loud we scared the crap out of Kevin, but it was well worth it. With England and Spain gone, Argentina and the U.S. are really my only rooting choices left.

True Coaching Stories

Will Ferrell Kicking And ScreamingThose of you who read last night’s Odds And Ends post already know my son’s soccer team lost their playoff game. What I didn’t mention – because I was in the middle on a bile-fueled brain aneurysm – was the circumstances surrounding the loss.

My team has a total of eight players. In indoor soccer, you play six players at a time – five players and a goalie – for two 20-minute halves. So, at best, I have two substitutions. Remember that.

On Tuesday night, I received a call from one of my parents. She said her son was “sick” and wouldn’t be able to make Wednesday night’s game. Okay, if you’re sick, you’re sick, but why not wait until Wednesday to make a decision? The truth of the matter is this mom didn’t want to travel to West Philly – da ‘hood – and I think the sick excuse was simply that: an excuse.

But it was okay, because I still had another sub…

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Playoffs? You Kidding Me? Playoffs?

Jim Mora PlayoffsOne night last September, Mrs. Earp took my 9-year old (now ten) son Erik to his first outdoor soccer practice of the season. I would’ve taken him, but I was laid up with vertigo. The missus came home and said Erik’s team needed a coach… and she “volunteered” me.

I coached high school lacrosse for 19 years, and helped coach my oldest son’s soccer team, but a head soccer coach? I was apprehensive, but confident in my abilities.

We finished the outdoor season with a record of 0-10.

Indoor would be better, I told myself; it almost had to be. If we won one game, it would be an improvement. The boys played well – especially Erik, who was my superstar in outdoor – and we won a game. Then another. Then another…

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U.S. Lands El Grupo De La Muerte

US National Soccer Team 2014

The U.S. Soccer team landed in The Group of Death for the 2014 World Cup. They’re seeded in the toughest group, and will be facing Germany, Portugal, and Ghana. (Yes, I know none of my readers care about the World Cup, but I do, so I’m posting about it.)

United States head coach Jurgen Klinsmann described his team’s World Cup draw as “the worst of the worst” after it was pooled with Germany, Portugal and Ghana in one of two “Groups of Death.”

Klinsmann could scarcely believe his ill fortune after the draw was made in Bahia, Brazil, with the Americans lumped into Group G and a situation that immediately installed them as long shots to reach the last 16.

“It is one of the most difficult groups of the whole draw,” Klinsmann said. “It couldn’t get any more difficult or any bigger but that is what the World Cup is all about. We are looking forward to the challenge and we don’t see ourselves as any kind of outsiders. If you want to get into the top 10 or 12 teams in the world you have to beat these guys.”

He’s right. The U.S. has a terrific squad this year, so I’m not counting them out. That said, if they get past the first round, I’ll be surprised.

Hail To The Victors!

Julia And Kevin Soccer Champions

Julia and Kevin won the Academy Sabres Junior Varsity soccer title on Saturday!

They played the first place team – Kevin and Julia’s team was in second place – and after losing by a score of 2-1, came back to win late in the fourth quarter. As for the kids, Kevin played well… for a half. He spent much of the second half sitting with us on the opposite sideline. Julia played okay… when she wasn’t dancing on the field with her teammate. Considering this is their first time playing organized sports, they did rather well – and landed some hardware to boot.

Congratulations, Blue Devils! We’re proud of you.

Welcome To Fort Bragg

Erik Soccer

Erik, my 9-year old (center, blue jersey), opened his CYO soccer season tonight. Unfortunately, I had to work, but Mrs. Earp kept me apprised of the goings-on.

Things went very well.

Erik’s team won the game by a score of 12-6, and the boy had a field day. Erik scored five goals and added an assist in the opener! Nice work, boy! Your $6 will be waiting for you when you wake up tomorrow.

(Oh, the photo is from last week’s club soccer game.)