It’s been a while since I received some post-worthy hate mail. (Picky’s Ned Flanders-esque complaint notwithstanding.) That all changed on Tuesday when I received this gem from Marita Jaeger.
Marita is a special kind of snowflake, who boasts herself as the “Queen of New Orleans Vampires.”
Her email was titled, “Opinions.”
What a ridiculous blog you have. Stumbled upon it by mistake (big mistake) and wonder how people like you even know enough to turn on a computer.
If you have an opinion, you should probably keep it to yourself. Remember a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. Learn first to understand, and only then to be understood.
Wow, that’s pretty deep for someone who manages a sports bar and operates a vampire boutique. I wonder if that last line is her own, or if she read it inside a fortune cookie?
You know, if I had a nickel for every time some troll said they “stumbled upon my blog my mistake,” I could have retired years ago. The fact of the matter is Marita probably surfed this site many, many times, saw something she disagreed with, and got all pissy about it. She will now monitor the blog for any mention of her name, because she is desperate for attention.
Way to go, Marita; you got your wish. You’re immortal. SYLG will be around long after your vampire business goes bankrupt.
My gift of sarcasm must be leaving me, because it’s been a while since I’ve earned some hate mail. Today, however, there was a doozy in my pending comments from “Alissha.” Alissha claims to be the wife of Shafeeq Green, who was murdered in the Northeast section of the city in December. Green was allegedly “high-level distributor in a drug-trafficking ring.”
I posted about the homicide here, and – three months later – Alissha came here to complain. Her comment is below, unedited for your reading pleasure:
Hearing people makebfun of my late husbands name is ignorance pure ignorance he was a hard-working man a father a son a brother an uncle and a husband . Sad people don’t realize this tragedy couldve too happened to someone in theirbown family. He was on his way to his job to make an honest living and someone took his life. Who cares about how his name was spelled think about a life a precious life that was taken and how us, his family have to feel before making ignorant racist comments
Okay, a few things:
1. For those of you who haven’t seen a hate mail post before, every one of these comments comes to me months after the post has been written. Every. Single. One. People become outraged with me… eventually.
2. Police confirmed Shafeeq had prior drug arrests, and believe his “alleged” drug dealing is the motive behind the killing. Alissha never disputes that, and apparently has no problem with it. No, Alissha’s problem is people made fun of her husband’s name in the comments. Really? That’s what angers you??
3. Look, I’m not happy Alissha’s husband was murdered. I’m really not. I am a realist, however, and Shafeeq was most likely murdered because of something he brought upon himself. If calling people racists is Alissha’s way of coping with her loss, so be it. As long as she knows she’s a hypocrite. Here endeth the lesson.
This week’s hate mail comes from “M. Brown.” M is responding to an article I linked in November, 2008. November. 2008! Clearly, he was so incensed he had to respond… five years later.
M’s e-mail is below, unedited, save for the asterisks:
First of all I wanna say f*ck you and you need to watch what the f*ck you put up on your site my brother was murdered by Philadelphia police I have his autopsy report and there is no mention of gunshot residue on his body and f*ck all the other idiots that posted on this that are influenced by propaganda and don’t know the facts before they crucify a person in the media…my family has still not seen a gun that he supposedly shot 3 times at officers and he was not an idiot. My brother was not a saint and very troubled we went thru hell as kids and I’m not making excuses for his crimes you do the crime you pay the price but don’t disrespect my brothers life when you don’t have all the facts I do…so if you have some concrete evidence fine if not SHut ya f*cking mouth this man was my brother, a father,a son someones child a f*cking human being that no one in your tax brackett gave a f*ck about regardless….feel free to contact me! His loving brother who won’t rest til justice is served.
Wow, someone wasn’t invited to the National Grammar Rodeo. You can read the media report of Mr. Norman’s demise at the above link and come to your own conclusions. I’ll simply add two important items. First, a coroner’s report will not list whether gunpowder residue was found. That information would be included on the Crime Scene Unit’s report. Second, Mr. Norman’s gun would be recovered and held as evidence. It would not be shown to a victim’s – and definitely not the offender’s – family. You know, because it’s evidence.
It’s been a while since I received some hate mail. I’m either losing my touch, or the drones forgot to pay their internet bill. This piece of brilliance comes from “Commander Zero of the…” eh, his fake name is too long and too uninteresting to type. Let’s just call him rds1017 at a certain Y! mail.
This dope commented on Gun Crazy, the story about the .905-caliber rifle. I’m not sure which surprised me more; that Derp the Daring commented on a recent post, or that his grammar is exactly what you would expect. Here is its comment, in all its unedited glory:
“I want to thank nra and all gun supporters for preventing establishment liberal democrats from banning assault rifles to prevent groups like the hispanic armed anti-racist militia from getting the weapons they need to protect undocumented from racist republicans. thanks again for preventing assault gun ban so we can shoot back.” – commander zero of fighting street anti- fascists
It’s painfully obvious Derp the Daring did not read that post – most likely because there were no purdy pictures to gawk at. The post dealt with the unveiling of the monster rifle with rounds the size of Anthony Weiner’s wiener. If had nothing to do with eeeeevil assault weapons, the NRA, or liberal Democrats. Derp.
Derp should occasionally open a book = preferably not one of the pop-up variety. He should also join eHarmony.com, as he desperately needs to generate a lasting relationship with the comma. Fall in love with grammar, Derp; for all the right reasons.
This week’s hate mail comes from Selena Bennett, the mother of Khalil Burton… Wait, that can’t be right; they don’t share the same last name. Oh, I forgot. Nowadays, people don’t have parents; they have “baby daddies.”
Any hoo, Selena is angry about this post – written two years ago – about her son, who fled from police because he had a pistol in his waistband. When police tackled him, Burton’s gun went off, and a round struck him in the groin, killing him.
Apparently, that’s my fault. Or something.
Here is Selena’s literary masterpiece, unedited for your reading pleasure:
“U know what I just read all the Fucking comments about my son Khalil Burton who died almost 2yrs ago. All I have to say is I pray u never have to be a parent who child dies from choices they made. I pray u all r perfect n I pray that u never make wrong choices bc when n if u do somebody will judge n say fucked up shit about u that may hurt ur parents heart! They may even say something about ur perfect children to GOD forbid! Look up my record n I beat u can’t talk that shit about me. Punk asses hiding behind emails n blog’s talking SHIT!!!”
Actually Selena, we just “talked shit” for about a day or so, then moved on to important matters. I realize you want to blame someone for his untimely demise, but your son was a drug dealer who had an arrest record in two counties by the age of 18. After his arrest in MontCo, he continued to sell drugs. On top of that, he was carrying a gun on the streets of Philadelphia and decided to run when the po-po showed up. If he listened to their commands, he would still be alive today.
Here endeth the lesson.
This week’s hate mail is from a local woman named Mahoghany, who was butthurt about this post, where a Philadelphia man shot and killed a home invader. A man who, spade in hand, forced his way into the gun owner’s home, and climbed to stairs, approaching the resident.
Her Shakespearean diatribe is below, unedited for your reading pleasure.
that intruder had a family as well and to shoot 3 times in the chest seems a bit aggressive, he could have easily shot him in the leg and called the cops, how dare you all give praise to someone being killed no matter the reason, a persons life is more valuable than any of the material things that may have been in the house!!!!!!!!!
Bless her heart. Weapons-grade stupid like this deserves a retort. It’s below the fold.
This week’s mental defective is Josh from Parts Unknown… or somewhere near Aston, PA. Josh is a big Amanda Bynes fan, and he took umbrage with this post, where she asked President Obama to fire the police officer who arrested her for DUI…
The DUI where she sideswiped a police car, and refused to take a breathalyzer or a blood test. But, you know, Josh thinks she’s like, innocent and stuff.
Josh’s comment is posted below, unedited, for your viewing pleasure:
Well,maybe she wasnt drunk.As you know the cops in philly are so dumb they cant perform fst’s that they have to lock an innocent person up on suspicion.Well,isnt that a fuckin dick move.Your eyes are pinned,couldnt be cause its sunny as fuck out could it ?? Well,lets arrest him on fucking suspicion !!
Let’s break this comment down, “shotgun style,” below the fold.
I swear, this blog must be a psycho magnet. This comment comes from “Wayne,” an English chap whose e-mail is listed as Tom something-or-other. Wayne-Tom wanted to make his SYLG debut memorable, and his comment – from an unusually timely post I did about Nikki Howarth – did not disappoint.
What u lot chatting about she’s hot!she was on channel 4 the other day and seems really nice girl.why u judging her before u know her!
Note to Wayne-Tom: Punctuation is your friend, big guy.
Regular readers of SYLG know that I get a lot of hate mail. Since that hate mail is almost always a hilarious grammatical abortion, I post it for everyone to see. I try to perform a public service.
Anyhoo, I figured since I post all of the hate mail, I should also publish the compliments. Yeah, this is probably the first. Oh sure, commenters occasionally tell me that I’m doing a good job here, but this e-mail was completely out of the blue – from the Great White North. Enjoy!
I’ve just read your blog for the first time, I stayed for about 2 hours. You’re a very funny man, thanks so much for the laughs. I think you cured my slight (and completely undeserved) hang-over!
I didn’t want to post the lovely woman’s name without her permission, but trust me, she is a real person. And she made my week.
This week’s comment comes from “Jack Russel.” Jack is from the Netherlands . . . or Holland . . . Whatever, the douche is Dutch. He also apparently spent his youth with his finger in a dike, because his schooling leaves a lot to be desired. Jack is angry with me because of this post; but I don’t know why. I’ve read his comment three times, and I still have no idea what he’s saying. Maybe you’ll have better luck.
Here is his idiotic, hash-fueled comment, unedited for your pleasure:
Funny How you american “gunfighters” have your beautifull daughters ravaged by jewish meth from producers like the Rubashkin. And all i see you doing in the above comments is shoot down your daughters.
Here i was thinking muslims were acting weird when their daughters get raped they will also kill their daughters because she disgraced the family by being raped.
American gunfighters .. your aim is off
So let’s see: Illiterate? Check. Incoherent? Check. Anti-Semitic? Big Check. Congratulations Jack, you hit the Jerkass Trifecta! Your check is in the mail. Try not to spend it all on hookers and Amstel Light.