Category Archives: Duct Tape Advisory

The Worst Story You Will Ever Read

British NHSI have really been trying to stay away from controversial stories, mostly because I’m supposed to keep my stress under control. That said, I had to comment on this story. I apologize in advance.

The bodies of thousands of aborted and miscarried babies were incinerated as clinical waste, with some even used to heat hospitals, an investigation has found.

Ten NHS trusts have admitted burning foetal remains alongside other rubbish while two others used the bodies in “waste-to-energy” plants which generate power for heat.

Last night the Department of Health issued an instant ban on the practice which health minister Dr Dan Poulter branded “totally unacceptable.” At least 15,500 foetal remains were incinerated by 27 NHS trusts over the last two years alone.

I just… I’ve got nothin’. There is true evil in this world, and it is the guiding force behind decisions like these.

A New Hamburglar Rises

Lionel Hutz Law OfficeA California man is suing McDonald’s for $1.5 million. Ironically his case is based on a Whopper of a story.

A McDonald’s customer is suing the fast food restaurant for $1.5 million because he was given only one napkin with his meal.

Webster Lucas claims he is now unable to work because of the “undue mental anguish” and “emotional distress” caused by the incident.

Mr Lucas, who is African-American, says the he was racially abused by the manager when he went back to the counter to ask for more. The employee, who is named only as “Angel” and is said to be of Mexican-American appearance, is alleged to have mumbled something that sounded like “you people,” Mr Lucas claims.

Okay, I am already calling b.s. McDonald’s has no shortage of napkins inside their restaurants. If Lucas received one napkin, he could have easily stood up, walked three feet, and grabbed another one. But no, instead, he stood up, walked ten feet, and asked the low-information voter behind the counter for one.

Then… amidst all the noise and confusion common inside your average McDonald’s, Lucas heard a barely audible “You people” from a man with a Spanish accent. Uh-huh.

Then… Lucas was SO OFFENDED by this murmured remark and the lone napkin that he decided to sue McDonald’s for $1.5 MILLION DOLLARS???

How about this. McDonald’s gives you a satisfying settlement of $0 million dollars, a lifetime ban from eating inside its restaurants and viewing their commercials, and three napkins for the low,low price of on the house.

Now go get your f**king shinebox.

Behold, The Decline Of America

Facebook Dislike

Facebook will now offer 56 options for a user’s gender. Fifty-six.

Facebook will now allow users to identify not only as male or female, but as androgynous, bi-gender, intersex or any other identity they choose — a move that’s being celebrated by the LGBTQ community.

The change, which Facebook announced on its Diversity page Thursday afternoon, will initially apply only to the company’s 159 million users in the U.S. But the company says that, at some point, it hopes to roll out the third, “customizable” gender option to international users, as well. At least 56 preset options are available in that field.

This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. I am so sick and tired of the “LGBTQ community” and their continuous victim status. They perceive hatred and bigotry everywhere, even in something as innocuous as a gender drop down box.

Here’s a serious question: What is so offensive about “Male, Female, or Other?” Are those options hateful? Are they oppressive? If you believe the answer to those questions is yes, then you need to get a f**king life.

And if my opinion on this matter makes me a “hater,” then so be it.

New Hotness: Mentioning A Suspect’s Race Is Racist

Goldy The GopherA handful of racist organizations at the University of Minnesota are demanding the UMPD remove the race of suspects in wanted posters. As everyone knows, it is much easier to capture a suspect without descriptors.

School officials at the University of Minnesota are working with black student and facility organizations after they wrote a letter to the school’s president about the racial descriptions given in crime alerts.

The letter, sent on Dec. 6, 2013, was issued by members of the African American and African Studies, Black Faculty and Staff Association, Black Graduate and Professional Student Association, Black Men’s Forum, Black Student Union and Huntley House for African American Males.

If these morons were really so self-righteous, they would drop the “Black” and “African” from their organizations’ names.

On Tuesday, school officials reported there have been 25 robberies in and around the University, an increase of 27 percent over the last few years.

At Wednesday’s forum, Ian Taylor Jr., president of the Black Men’s Forum, said members of his organization feel threatened when the use of a racial description is given in the crime alerts.

Mothers and fathers, this is the kind of indoctrination your children will be getting when they enter the American university system. Think about that for a moment. As for Mr. Taylor’s discomfort, if his organization would address the multitude of problems facing fatherless black utes, maybe they wouldn’t be on so many wanted posters.

Deaf At A Funeral

Obamas Selfie At A FuneralThis story is a day or so old, but I felt it needed to be addressed here. Barack Obama attended the Mandela memorial service on Tuesday, and thought it appropriate to take a “selfie” with Danish PM Helle Thorning-Schmidt.

Stay classy, Obama!

They’ll look back on this selfie, years from now, and think “what on earth were we doing? We’re world leaders, not a bunch of giggling teenagers. We’re attending the memorial service of Nelson Mandela. Couldn’t we have waited a bit before goofing around?”

The only person to come out of this with dignity in tact is Michelle Obama, who looks frosty to say the least.

Some commentators on Twitter have pointed out that the angle of selfie-fication looks directed primarily towards Denmark’s Prime Minister Helle Thorning-Schmidt and Barack Obama, with David Cameron having to quite a bit of squeezing to get into frame.

The “president” spent more time flirting and giggling it up with Thorning-Schmidt until Moochelle put a stop to the shenanigans.

Actually, Zero Is The Loneliest Number

Goldfinger Bomb TimerThis is the timer on the nuclear device seen in Goldfinger – arguably the greatest Bond film of all time. While stopping a timer on 007 is a campy way to end a scene, these digits would not be a terrific lock combination, unless you want an infant to steal your personal items.

Sadly, 007 is the Fort Knox of combinations compared the one which secured our nuclear launch codes.

From 1962, when John F Kennedy instituted PAL encoding on nuclear weapons, until 1977, the combination to fire the devastating missiles at the height of the Cold War was just 00000000. This was chosen by Strategic Air Command in an effort to make the weapons as quick and as easy to launch as possible, as reported by Today I Found Out.

[N]uclear experts claim the military was worried about the possibility of command centers or communication lines being destroyed in real nuclear war, stopping soldiers getting the codes or authorization to launch missiles when they were actually needed. So they simply left the security code for the weapons as eight zeros, getting around the security safeguards.

Remember, only the best and brightest are trusted with our nation’s security. Or something.

Oreos Are Bad, M’kay?

OreosA new study has determined the cream filling in Oreos may be as addicting as cocaine.

That’s great. So in a few years, I’ll be locking up people for selling “Black and Whites,” although that’s gotta be a bitch injecting it into your veins.

According to a study from Connecticut College, “Oreos are as addictive as cocaine, at least for lab rats,” TIME reports.

The study showed that “eating the iconic black and white cookies activated more neurons in the rat brain’s “pleasure center” than drugs such as cocaine.”

“The rats in the study liked the cookies about as much as they liked the drugs, congregating near the cookie side of the maze as much as they would on the drug side.”

They also dove into the cream filling first, before eating the chocolate cookie.

Well, that makes sense. For the life of me, I cannot understand why Oreo continues to make the cookie. Just sell a big tub of the cream filling!

We’re Gonna Party Like It’s 1989

Who can forget 1989? Chicago’s “Look Away” topped the Billboard charts, everyone had a pair of Ray-Ban Wayfarers, Elle McPherson was the world’s top model, Mikhail Gorbachev was TIME’s Person of the Year. Oh, and the average American family earned more than they do under Barack Obama.

A Census Bureau report released on Tuesday reveals that the typical American family now earns less than it did in 1989. In 1989, median household income was $51,681 (in current dollars). In 2012, median household income was $51,017.

Poverty levels in 2012 also climbed to 46.5 million Americans–15% of the country–from 46.2 million in 2011. As Washington Post economics writer Neil Irwin put it, “This isn’t a lost decade for economic gains for Americans. It is a lost generation.”

Talk show host Dennis Prager – a man I greatly admire because he’s the antithesis of people like Sean Hannity – recently stated he thought Barack Obama is the worst president in American history. Those of you who listen to him know such statements are rare. That said, considering the current state of the country, the statement may not be so ridiculous.

Kiss And Tell (It Like It Is)

Gene Simmons LA KissIf there is one thing I like about Gene Simmons, it’s his ability to cut through bulls**t. The man speaks his mind, and in this case, he’s making a lot of sense.

“He’s got a religious passion, as well he should, we’re in America,” the KISS frontman told earlier this week. ”He’s proud to be a Christian, what’s wrong with that? And yet, with sports media and pop culture media, they make fun of his religion. Really? In America? If he was wearing a burqa, they wouldn’t dare say anything [editor's note: only Muslim women wear burqas]. But if you’re a Christian, you get to be picked on? What the hell? The guy’s got family values. I never saw the media picking on Michael Vick for torturing dogs. Or this other football player, who’s alleged to have killed, committed murder. That’s ‘cool.’ But a guy who’s religious and has got family values isn’t ‘cool?’ He’s cool to me.” (H/TAce [Not Frehley])

Now, in fairness, Simmons recently offered Tebow a three-year contract to play for his Arena Football team – the LA Kiss – but I don’t think that’s why he made the statement. I think he, like a lot of us, is tired of seeing a good man taken down because of his faith.

Screw You Karma

Car Update: So I finally got my car back at the beginning of August after $7,500 worth of damage. The Scarlet Maiden by all rights should have been totaled. After driving for two days I took her back to the shop as something didn’t feel or sound right. BOOM. Another $500 to fix the engine’s mounting brackets…which you really think someone would have checked to begin with.

All said and done the Maiden has been driving A-Ok since about the second week of August. Then I made a stupid Facebook comment and Karma clenched her jagged, serrated teeth upon my posterior.

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