An Important Message From Mayor Michael Nutter

nuttersquidward4Hello, my name is Michael Nutter, and I am the current mayor of Failadelphia. Normally, I wouldn’t be caught dead in a craphole like this – unlike my citizens, who are murdered by the bushel – but my SpongeBob SquarePants royalties are drying up and I needed some fast cash.

I need a bit more now.

You may have read I recently had a misunderstanding with the Philadelphia Gas Works. Apparently, they expect celebrities and politicians to pay their bills. As if. Do you know how many homeless people I have to walk past to get to the billing station? They also have the unmitigated gall to place a lien on a man’s house when he has an outstanding bill of $500. Yo, I’m a Democrat; I didn’t sign up for this. Those clarinet lessons don’t pay for themselves!

Now, before you peons start a fussin’ and a feudin’, let me put you in some knowledge. I run shit here, you just live here! Similarly, in the spirit of transparency, my office will not be making a public statement on this matter. Don’t you worry your flat little heads how it happened, but the lien has been removed and the bill has been paid.

Oh, and in a completely unrelated matter, my Bureau of Licenses and Inspections will be conducting demolition work on the building next to PGW headquarters. I’m trust the PGW building will not suffer any damage . . . or collapses.

UPDATE: Apparently, the people around me have some misunderstandings with PGW, as well. But hey, if anyone knows about illegality, it’s my district attorney. Vote Democrat!

12 thoughts on “An Important Message From Mayor Michael Nutter

  1. Jon Brooks

    Just saw the headline on Drudge and then came right over here just knowing, like Karnac himself, that something would be posted elaborating on the subject.
    You did not let us down.

  2. Jim Scrummy

    Hahahahahahahaha….HA! All of you little peoples of PhillyPA must bow down to your excellency, Squidward.

  3. Wyatt Earp Post author

    Jon – Nutter, like Obama, touted himself as a new politician who was not like the others. Yet he falls into the same traps as every other uber-corrupt mayor this city has seen in the last few decades.

    Jim – Meh, I’m ensconced here, and suburban taxes make mine seem palatable.

    1. Jim Scrummy

      You mean “Fast Eddie” Rendell is/was corrupt….here’s my shock face :l No way! The same Fast Eddie who sent 75% of every PA tax dollar to the PhillyPA metro area… Can’t be? I thought he created the Philadelphia “miracle” when he was lord/god/king of Philly?

      Hey you could live in Cali. A friend of mine who’s a dhimmi is finally throwing in the towel on Cali. I quote him from our last email conversation: “The taxes suck in California, I’m leaving for Arizona”. My response was, you should stay since you helped to create the mess. Guess what, he didn’t like my response and hasn’t communicated with me in 6 months. Oh well, truth sucks.

  4. John D

    “Apparently, they expect celebrities and politicians to pay their bills.”

    Fear not, any minute now, Eric Holder and the intrepid members of the Justice Department will be commencing an investigation into this flagrant civil rights violation.

  5. Oscar the Grouch

    Not having lived in Philadelphia for the past 21 years, I can’t really comment on Philly politics other than to say it still sucks. Nothing has changed. Anyone recall John Street not paying his law school bill, or his electric and gas bills while serving in City Council (I’m capitalizing proper nouns out of respect [?]) and making a run for prez of the same august (hah) council. Nothing’s changed!

  6. Bob G.

    You have to admit that Nutter IS like NO other politician…he’s WORSE (and therefore would probably make a good dumbocrat candidate in 2016)
    Keep the good times rolling (into poverty for all, and charity for those not deserving of it).
    Dump this guy before he hocks the damn LIBERTY BELL!

    Roll safe.


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