True Detective Stories

Abe Vigoda In Barney MillerIn my line of work, the end of winter is a Catch-22. The good news is that the temperatures are rising. The bad news is that the sun brings the morons out in force. Take this guy, for example. I’ll call him Dave.

Dave came into the division to report someone pulled up his shirt and showed him the gun tucked into his waistband. This occurred during a neighborhood dispute. Natch, gun threats are serious business, so I interviewed Dave right away.

From the start, I was wary of Dave’s tale of woe…

The reporting officer stated Dave’s tenant made an assault report against the Dave’s girlfriend earlier in the day. Coincidentally, Dave claimed the man who showed him the gun was a friend of his tenant. Hmm…

I asked Dave to tell me what happened, and among other things, he stated the following:

1. The thug was on location when the initial police officers arrived, but Dave refused to identify him to police.

(I responded by asking Dave why he would jeopardize the safety of the officers, the people, and himself by NOT telling the cops the guy next to him was armed. Dave replied that he didn’t think the police were interested in his story. I doubt that, but guess what, genius? If you tell them the guy next to you has a gun, they’ll get interested, right quick!)

2. Dave was so traumatized that he waited a full day to make a police report.

(When I asked Dave why he would wait so long when a gun was involved, he stated he wanted to do things the right way. Apparently, “the right way” is waiting for all the leads to go ice cold.)

3. Dave claimed another male assaulted him immediately after the thug showed him the gun, despite the fact this claim appeared nowhere on the police report.

(When I asked him why the officer would write down every other “fact” – verbatim – but omit the assault, Dave could not give me an answer. Dave also could not show me any injuries from the alleged assault, even though he claimed he was severely beaten.)

4. Dave said he would definitely go to court because this thug needed to be locked up.

(When I reminded Dave the thug would already be in a cell if he identified him on the street, Dave looked at his shoes.)

5. Dave doesn’t know any information about the thug – even though he claims he sees him all the time “in the ‘hood” – except that he’s a black male of average height and weight.

(Awesome. I’ll put out an APB on all black males… of average height and weight… in North Philly.)

Dave signed his bullshit interview and went home. A few minutes later, I received another job from the exact same address. Turns out that Dave also reported a burglary at his home an hour before our interview. Strangely enough, Dave made no mention of this phantom burglary to me in our thirty minutes together.

So dear readers, please point to me toward any of the facts that make a damn lick of sense, because I’m not seeing them.

21 thoughts on “True Detective Stories

  1. metoo

    How do you keep from constantly banging your head against the top of your desk?

  2. loaded dice in vegas

    Bad dope deal………or………….payback…………………..or…………………….Gross Stupidity………..

  3. Jim Scrummy

    Dave is confused and dumb. Dave is a product of our society. Yay! I feel so much better…

  4. Jon Brooks

    As regards Dave’s mental state I can only be reminded and remember Cheech and Chong……..
    Cheech: “DAVE !” “DAVE !”
    Chong: “DAVE’S NOT HOME !”

  5. Jay

    It sounds like Dave should have put more thought into the “facts” before he invented them.

  6. Mike47

    Now you see how Obama got elected… and RE-elected. Whole lotta stupid out there…

  7. realwest

    I have to say Wyatt, after reading this article of yours I appreciate the work that you do even more (no Sarc at all) – that you have to put up with, and sometimes investigate stories by “Dave” must drive you crazy, to say nothing about how “Dave” took time away from you that you could have spent on more serious matters.
    Thanks again to you and to all L.E. folks.

  8. hutch1200

    “Dave made no mention of this phantom burglary to me”.
    Wouldn’t he need a police report number to make a claim on his home owners insurance policy? So now he calls the Ins. Co., claims his 88″ TV, Harley in the living room, Stradivarious violin, etc…is missing and here’s the police report #. Under 10k, they’ll just cut him a check w/o checking into the claim very deeply..

  9. hutch1200

    I mean to say he doesn’t need to have a copy of the report, (lost it), just a report # ? Dave will give them a different precinct #, then a different Detectives’ name, etc.. He’ll mislead them, all the while demanding “a check”.

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