True Detective Stories

My Cousin Vinny

So, last week I was scheduled to attend a preliminary hearing for one of my court cases. I checked in with the assistant district attorney, who said that while the victim was not subpoenaed (no, I don’t know why, either), the defendant was brought down from the prison, and the case was ready to go. That’s good news because nine times out of ten, our cases are continued for reasons ranging from a missing witness to a rainy day. (Criminals don’t come to court in the rain.)

After two hours, my case is finally called. As I am getting ready, the sheriff tells the judge that the defendant was NOT brought down from the prison. When the judge reminds said sheriff that she just told us he was downstairs, she gives him a shrug. Oh well, I guess I’m going home.

Then it happens.

The ADA approaches me and says, “We’re ready to go.” I started laughing and replied, “Yeah, right.” She was serious. She informed me that we were going to put on the prelim in absentia. Amazingly, the defense attorney agreed to this nonsense. So, we put on a hearing without a victim, and without a defendant.

I stepped to the stand, and expected the usual opening question: “Detective, is there anyone here you recognize from that day?”

“Um yeah, the empty space next to the defense attorney.”

Sadly, that question was never raised, and I gave my testimony. I’m not sure what I said, because I kept repeating, “This is insane” in my head. Inconceivably, the judge decided there was enough to hold the empty space, er, defendant, and the next hearing is scheduled for June.

8 thoughts on “True Detective Stories

  1. Jon Brooks

    This could be the very well be first case of quantum physics applied to our judicial system.
    Analogous to Schrodiengers Cat we could ask…Is the defendant there or is the defendant not there…since no one really seemed to know then he, she or it could then occupy both states at once. Both those assuming he was not there by viewing an empty space and those assuming he was there by continuing the hearing hold equally valid points thus making the true quantum state of the defendant undecided thus ensuring the accuracy of both points simulatneously.

    Next we’ll discuss how to create a courtroom blackhole to suck all the logic out of the
    case.

    Reply
  2. John D

    Watch, we’ll have to start early releases for violent inmates to make room in prison for all the empty spaces that are being convicted.

    Reply
  3. realwest

    Ah, the criminal “justice” system at work!! It is a thing of, a,………….well…………no,no certainly not beauty but of something far uglier than that.
    At least you weren’t wasting your time Wyatt, be grateful for that!

    Reply

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