True Detective Stories

Jim Halpert Head DeskSo, yesterday I spent my tour downtown at MPO training. MPO is annual re-certification training that is mostly classroom instruction and testing.

That’s about as exciting a description I can craft. Truly, it is about as boring as a baseball game being called by Harry Reid.

The day started off swimmingly, as it rained all through rush hour. I-95 is bad enough without FAIL-driving douche canoes keeping my speed below 35mph. You see, our training center – which is separate from the spacious police academy – is a rented office building in Center City. It has a parking lot that holds about 20 cars, plus on-street parking for about 20 more. On normal days, at least 100 cops are stuck in training. As a result, you better be at the building well before 7am – training starts at 8 – or you’ll need a water bottle and a Sherpa to make it to the building.

Unfortunately, the on-street parking backs up to a methadone clinic, so you take your vehicle’s life into your hands if you park there. The plus side is the junkies will offer to “watch your car for you” if you offer them money . . . or Nacho Cheese Doritos…

Any hoo, I make it in early enough to grab a spot close enough to the building, yet far enough away from the clinic that I don’t have to experience the smell of beef and feet. Trust me, nothing eradicates that smell.

Today’s course is “Legal Updates,” which boils down to eight hours of listening to an overweight, under-intelligent police supervisor who spent his entire career studying for promotional tests instead of pinching bad guys. The only crimes these people have stopped are aggravated paper cuts and conspiracy to commit a fashion faux pas.

The class begins, and by noon I’m desperately trying to find a way to use my pen as a do-it-yourself Diet Coke IV. When the attempts prove unsuccessful, I being jotting down notes while using soft pretzel dough to stop my bleeding veins. Between the “Legal Updates” segment and the “Public Events” segment (which deals with the Occupy toads), the most common term I am hearing is, “This really doesn’t apply to detectives.”

THEN WHY THE F**K AM I HERE???

The rest of the day is a blur, but I am pretty sure I had a nice sit-down lunch with the junkie who was watching my car.

12 thoughts on “True Detective Stories

  1. loaded dice in vegas

    Sounds like the Chicago PD Academy. No off street parking for any in service training or academy recruits. With a Young hs next door and a Park on one side of the building and public housing on the other side it always was a trip, especially when there was a full compliment of recruits.

    Reply
  2. Veeshir

    So you have three problems, see if they can be used to solve each other.

    Go in a little later and park by the clinic to get some smack on the way in, that way the class will be entertaining.

    Think outside the box.

    Reply
  3. Jim Scrummy

    Hey, I would’ve watched your car for Cool Ranch Doritos and a Diet Coke with Lime. Because that’s the type of guy I am!

    Reply
  4. Ingineer66

    Veeshir is a genius. There must be something in the bureaucratic code. Our State Training Center has a very small parking lot with a big sign that says Parking for building employees only. I mean why would you have people come from all over the state and be able to park where the classes are. Street parking is almost non-existant. But there is a parking garage a few blocks away and you get to walk past the Sacramento County welfare office. Now that is a treat.

    Reply
  5. Bob G.

    Wyatt:
    Rush hour?
    On I-95???
    Surely you JEST!
    ;)

    And I can attest to the (lack of) PARKING downtown.
    Cripes, it takes a 1/2 hour to READ all the signage on every post so you can figure out WHERE to park and for HOW LONG…without getting BOOTED and/or TOWED.
    Then, PPA gets you anyway…for LOITERING.
    (you can’t win, but that SHERPA does come in handy, Boss!)

    Roll safe (and well-parked) out there.

    Reply
  6. Wyatt Earp Post author

    LDIV – The only thing Philly got right was the placement of the police academy. It’s by the Delaware River in the Northeast. Plenty of land and parking for everyone.

    Rick – Long-winded and boring? That’s it!

    Veeshir – Where were you the other day? *smacks head*

    Jim – Diet Coke with Lime is awesome. Vanilla Coke is better, but I can only get that in the South.

    Ingineer66 – Our main courthouse (the CJC) is like that. No parking, so you have to use a garage – in Center City. If you get out paying less than $15 for the day, you scored.

    Dr. Evil – Most definitely!

    Bob G – Rush hour, on I-95, in the rain. Yeah.

    Metoo – I call those days, “work days.”

    Reply

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