True Detective Stories

Dumb Blonde

So yesterday I was sitting in work when the phone rang. Like an imbecile, I picked it up.

(So you know, most of us avoid picking up the phone because there is always an idiot on the other end of the line. Yesterday was no exception.)

The officer on the other end was a female who works in my division, and is regarded as one of the most galactically stupid cops in the department. She solidified that title with this call:

Officer Barbie: “Yeah, I have a witness out here who states his neighbor fired shots into the air before running into his house.”
Me: “Okay, are there any injuries?”

Officer Barbie: “No, but we’re in the house with the doer. A gun and bullets are on the floor of his bedroom.”

This is usually the moment when I suffer my first brain aneurysm. Did I survive? Find out below the fold.

I composed myself enough to continue with the conversation, but it was difficult.

Me: “Wait, how did you get into the house?”
Officer Barbie: “We knocked on the door and someone let us in. The person said the doer was in the upstairs bedroom.”

Protip: If you’re a police officer, and you’re told a person with a gun is inside a residence, and no hot pursuit is involved, you need to get a search warrant before, you know, searching! Damn that pesky Constitution!

Me: “Um, you did this without calling us first and without a search warrant?”
Officer Barbie: (Silence.)
Me: “Okay look, the man is allowed to have a gun inside his home, and . . .”
Officer Barbie: “BUT THE WITNESS SAID HE WAS FIRING IT OUTSIDE!”

Me: “I understand that, but right now we have no evidence that happened, except the word of this witness. Did you find any shell casings, projectiles, or damage to buildings or cars?”
Officer Barbie: “Well, no.”
Me: “Well, unless you get something better, this is what we’re going to do. You’re going to transport the witness up here for a statement, and you’re going to get officers to hold the house until we say otherwise. No one in or out until we find out what the hell is going on.”

Officer Barbie: “Will you guys be getting a search warrant?”
Me: “Nope. Probably not.”
Officer Barbie: “Why?”
Me: “Because you already killed our chances by bursting into the house. Just bring up the witness.”

Officer Barbie: “Yeah, about that . . .”
Me: “Yeah?”
Officer Barbie: “We can’t seem to find the witness now.”
Me: “Then you have bupkis. Resume patrol.”

And this, dear readers, is the kind of nonsense I have to put up with.

21 thoughts on “True Detective Stories

  1. Jim Scrummy

    Wow, and I thought I had it bad with most of the idiots I work with (they are the true definition of idiot, an IQ barely scratching 25, on a good day), but you definitely win this merit badge. I guess I’m not surprised, since Scrummy’s sibling use to be GC for the PSP. Still love the stories of PA’s finest at their moments of glory….

  2. Pingback: What is Often Attributed to Malice … | Shall Not Be Questioned

  3. Wyatt Earp Post author

    LDIV – We need more than three rings for this one.

    Ferrell – Officer Fife.

    911 – I was on the verge of cursing her out, but my sergeant calmed me down first.

    Jim – Philly has a ton of really good cops. Sadly, we have a ton of cops like this one, too.

    Dustydog – Because she searched the house. If the gun was in plain view, no problem. The gun was in a second-floor bedroom. She probably could have gotten a Consent to Search form from the owner of the property, bus she didn’t think that was necessary.

    The real issue is we try to get a search warrant whenever possible, because our D.A. has a hard-on for gun jobs. Why take a shortcut if you can do it the right way?

    Doc – Probably prettier, too. I don’t mind dumb female cops if they’re attractive. This woman doesn’t even have that going for her. /snark

  4. Picky

    I don’t know if you’ve ever seen this picture, but it seems apropos.

    We’ve all worked with stupid people, and they usually don’t know it themselves. Stay strong, Wyatt!

  5. Zermoid

    Perhaps you should try to push for an IQ test for new recruits?
    Preferably as a part of annual qualification as well…….

  6. toothy

    “Perhaps you should try to push for an IQ test for new recruits?”

    You can’t do that, as it would disproportionally affect certain demographics.

  7. Wyatt Earp Post author

    MCPO – I usually say “Dick Bupkis” – like the football star. But since she was a female, I didn’t want to get myself into trouble.

    Zermoid – As long as those of us who have time on aren’t tested. I’d never pass.

    Toothy – You have no idea how true that statement was.

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