Once Again, I’m The Butt Of The Joke
By Wyatt Earp | December 17, 2010
EDITOR’S NOTE: This entire post is probably TMI. Read at your own peril.
UPDATE: I’m back. The gruesome details are at the end of the post.
Three weeks ago, I mentioned the rash of misfortunes I was exposed to in one terrible week. Most of them involved my health, or lack thereof. Apparently for me, 41 is the new 81. I’m falling apart, and truth be told, I didn’t have half these troubles when I was a fat bastard. Any hoo, I went for a three-month checkup on Wednesday, and while my cholesterol bloodwork was good, I was borderline anemic – again. I had been walking that tightrope for a year now, but recent events brought it to a head.
You see, for the better part of the last two weeks, I have been receiving a little something extra when I, um, “drop some friends off at the pool.” Namely, blood. (Told you it was TMI.) This has been disconcerting, especially with the anemia issues. I brought it up with the doc on Wednesday, and he told me what I already knew . . .
I have to get a colonoscopy. Yep, the dreaded apparatus.
My doc called the GI doc – who is a personal friend of his – and asked him to put me on the emergency list. He didn’t want me waiting until after the holidays, especially if there is serious health issue at play. The GI doc agreed, and my appointment is scheduled for today. Yesterday, I had to drink the “prep,” which is akin to Liquid Draino. It’s supposed to “free” my intestines of all solids. I am writing this post on Wednesday night, so I can’t give you the play-by-play of that lovely image, but the GI nurse told me that I would be spending most of my night in the bathroom.
This is powerfully uncool because Kyle’s Christmas Band Concert was last night – and I’ll be missing it.
So, by the time you read this post, I may already be getting “probed.” I’m trying to make light of this, but to be honest, I’m a worrier. If you can reach out to the Man Upstairs – again – I’d appreciate it.
I’ll update everyone as soon as I can sit in front of a computer again.
POST-EXAM UPDATE: Okay, that wasn’t bad at all. The colonoscopy, I mean. The “colon draino” prep last night sucked, but the procedure was very tolerable. When they took me back, I had to get naked except for socks – just like when I have sex! – and put on the gown, slippers, and hair net. I came out, ass swaying in the breeze, and they set me up on the gurney. The nurses – Wayne and Carol – were fantastic. They took my vitals, put in my IV, and told me to relax as best I could.
The anesthetist and the GI doc came out and explained what was going to happen. In short, they were going to stick a camera into my tush and take an up close and personal look at my colon – noting any abnormalities that may have contributed to the bloody stool. The anesthetist said I would be asleep for the entire event, but as usual, I expected to wake up halfway through.
Didn’t happen.
They rolled me onto my left side and the anesthetist gave me two IV injections. The first did nothing until the second was given. He said the second dose may sting but I would be out immediately after. I remember saying, “You’re right, it stings.” And then I was out.
I woke up in the recovery area and the nurse – who was really attractive – said she needed me to break wind. Apparently, the docs shoot some air up there and I had to get the gas out in a way only men can enjoy. So, while I was on the gurney letting them rip, the doc came by. He said that there was no visible polyps or any other distressing issues, and the bleeding was coming from – you guessed it – hemorrhoids. He asked if I had any pain when I was sitting and I told him I don’t. He ordered me some meds to take care of things, but said the good news was there weren’t any warning signs up there. That made me feel better.
The only real not-so-good news was that I can’t do anything vigorous for three days – which means I’ll have to miss my hockey games on Sunday and Monday. Dang.
So, barring any other issues, I won’t have to get another colonoscopy for nine years. Thanks for the prayers, good wishes, and snark. It is much appreciated. And now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna lie down for a while.
Sorry about the TMI, but if nothing else, it just goes to show how I’ll do anything – including embarrassing myself – to keep you folks entertained.
Topics: All About Wyatt | 71 Comments »
December 17th, 2010 at 7:10 am
Had a talk with the guy upstairs for ya Wyatt, and he told me no problemo…butt…I mean ..but..the Dr’s will be replaced with alien greys who said they will do the probes for free.
December 17th, 2010 at 7:28 am
My wife had the same symptoms: borderline anemic, bleeding, etc. She got a colonoscopy a few months ago (along with a minor repair procedure so she should need Prep H anymore, IYKWIMAITYD). Now she’s all better.
I’m a nurse on a GI floor, Wyatt. You’ll be fine.
December 17th, 2010 at 7:29 am
I hope everything’s alright(.. get ready… here it comes…) in the end. A little prayer for you, my friend!!
December 17th, 2010 at 7:42 am
I’ve had ulcerative colitis for nearly 20 years so this is old hat for me… It’s most likely just a hemehroid.
If the blood is dark as opposed to the usual red, then worry.
December 17th, 2010 at 7:49 am
Just one request . . . DO NOT POST PICTURES!
Seriously, prayers said.
December 17th, 2010 at 8:37 am
Best of luck with this Wyatt… By now you know the worst part is the prep..
December 17th, 2010 at 8:37 am
Prayers duly offered.
December 17th, 2010 at 8:45 am
Let us know if they find your head.
(Sorry, I couldn’t help myself.)
Prayers sent, fingers crossed,
you’re going to be just fine.
December 17th, 2010 at 9:14 am
Prayers said. BTW, you are not the only one I know whose health fell apart after losing a bunch of weight. A friend of mine suffered bradycardia (her heart rate would drop down into the 30s) and no one could figure out why. This went on for about a year before her body finally fixed itself.
I’m going to see my friend today since I’m in Indiana and will pass along prayer requests to her as well. I am also going to tell her what I am about to tell you.
While two data points does not a trend make, I am taking it as a sign that losing weight is a bad thing.
December 17th, 2010 at 9:16 am
Prayers said, Wyatt. Keep looking up. (I know, bad joke.)
December 17th, 2010 at 9:22 am
Let’s see…..
The week started off with whatsername and ends with your posterior.
Parentheses ?
Yeah, okay, you’re in my prayers.
There aren’t many good blogs around.
December 17th, 2010 at 9:23 am
While two data points does not a trend make, I am taking it as a sign that losing weight is a bad thing.
Kim: I like it. I really like it.
December 17th, 2010 at 9:29 am
I’m sorry to hear all that Wyatt, especially that you missed Kyle’s concert. That sucks buddy, I know you’d have killed to be there. Sorry to buddy about the health problems, I’ve had to have a similar ‘procedure’ before. It really heaves camels but you cannot put a price on your health…
…on the lighter side: As I said, I have done something similar in the past. The mental image of you on the crapper as your body does it’s “Spring Cleaning” is just hilarious. Did you pray for it to end? Sweat everywhere? hahahahahahhahahahahaaaaaa!
Once again, I’m sorry.
December 17th, 2010 at 9:33 am
Just read Ms. Crankipants comment. All I can say to that is: Bwaahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahaaaaaa!
Oh, and I tried talking to the big guy upstairs…he wouldn’t answer. However, my cohort Satan assures me you’ll be just fine. And he has a spot on the couch saved for you. At least you’ll be sitting next to me.
December 17th, 2010 at 9:40 am
You got it Wyatt- and you are overdue for some good news!
December 17th, 2010 at 9:45 am
Wyatt:
From your keyboard to us to God’s ears, okay?
We have your six.
Stay strong.
Stay safe.
December 17th, 2010 at 10:57 am
Hope it all comes out okay. I feel for you, I’m turning 42 in a few months and just know that they’re going to try to tell me I need one of those before too long.
Good luck.
December 17th, 2010 at 11:29 am
Good luck, Wyatt.
December 17th, 2010 at 11:34 am
Jon – Hopefully, they’re more E.T. than Predator. Appointment was moved back to 2pm. The nurse called and said (I swear to God): “The doctor is running a little behind.”
Picky – Thanks. I don’t have hemorrhoids as far as I know, but I guess we’ll see.
Roger – Well played, sir.
Sully – No, it’s been red so far. My doc said you can’t say “It’s nothing,” without taking the scope.
Jim – No worries. Streaming video, baby!
Jim B – No kidding. I was on the throne for almost two hours straight last night and a little over an hour this morning. Imagine the weight I lost!
Bob – Many thanks.
Mrs. Crankipants – I’m just hoping the doc doesn’t leave his car keys in there.
Kim – It also doesn’t help that I have had terrible luck recently, so it’s a combination.
Robert B – Well, I’m certainly not looking back!
JT – In the event of my untimely demise, I leave the blog to Code Monkey and Mrs. Crankipants. They are the only two people on earth snarky enough to post here for the long term.
Picky – She definitely is on to something.
Dr. Evil – get a seat by the bar. I’ll need Guinness in Hell. And if I can describe the “prep,” it most resembles Jeff Daniels on the terlet in Dumb and Dumber.
AJ – I’ll be happy if they just explain the blood. Good or bad, it’s the mystery that bothers me.
Bob G – I’ll be stronger when I can eat! I haven’t had solid food since Wednesday.
PhillipC – I hear the procedure isn’t a big deal. The prep – colon cleanse – is not something I want to do again.
Wes S. – Thanks much!
December 17th, 2010 at 11:39 am
Since I’m 52, my doctor has been barking at me for two years to have this procedure. The cleaning is the worst. As for the actual test, I slept through the whole thing.
I will also say a prayer for you Wyatt that you are returned to health.
December 17th, 2010 at 12:05 pm
CMouse – Thanks. I’ll post an update after the scoping.
December 17th, 2010 at 12:09 pm
Hope the scope goes well and is well lubed. BTW, eat liver (bad for cholesterol) and lots of raisins.
December 17th, 2010 at 12:15 pm
Good God! I think we should all mail you a rabbit’s foot, four leaf clover and a horseshoe.
Seriously, I’ll be praying! Hope everything comes out okay (sorry…couldn’t resist).
December 17th, 2010 at 12:16 pm
“borderline anemic” Stay the heck away from the border! Dude, I thought there were a couple of posts where you sound like less of a “red blooded American”!
Seriously, hope all goes well. See if you can find a nice dramatic score for the video! (But no subtitles!)
December 17th, 2010 at 12:21 pm
Prayers said, buddy.
December 17th, 2010 at 12:21 pm
My night before colonoscopy routine is to watch an old gritty western, like The Good, The Bad and The Ugly.
At least this way, I feel better knowing that there isn’t some dirty son-of-a-bitch trying to kill me.
Mrs. Crankipants-that’s funny.
December 17th, 2010 at 12:22 pm
CP – Liver? Blecch. Although I like raisins.
DL474 – It already did with the colon cleanse prep.
Proof – I was thinking Slovak subtitles just to spare everyone the gruesome details.
RT – Thanks.
Piper – Great film. I watched the lame Chargers/49ers game last night and hit the bed early. Had to be up by 9am to go through the second prep.
December 17th, 2010 at 1:00 pm
What do you mean “When you were a fat bastard”?
What changed? Seriously though, Shirley, it’s a colonoscopy, not friggin’ brain surgery! The latter of which you have a “lack thereof” as well. Anyway, good luck, Cowgirl!
December 17th, 2010 at 1:02 pm
Good luck I am hope everything works out fine. My father in law had to have one and also where they do the same thing down your throat. He asked the doctor if they were going to drive a golden spike when they met in the middle.
Take a USB drive and ask for the video so you can post it.
December 17th, 2010 at 1:03 pm
I’ve got a name for the video: “Wyatt’s Least Excellent Adventure”
December 17th, 2010 at 1:14 pm
Proof-
We can work on the soundtrack together.
We’ll start with “The Long and Winding Road”.
December 17th, 2010 at 1:21 pm
If I may offer up a song for the soundtrack, Judas Priest’s “Ram it Down”.
December 17th, 2010 at 1:23 pm
“The Long and Winding Road”? I like it!
I am having a little trouble reading the screen play, though, because of the punctuation. It goes
“The subject (colon), Wyatt Earp (colon)…”
December 17th, 2010 at 1:27 pm
Wyatt: Did they give you that new coffee flavored enema: GI Joe?
Maybe we can work in a cameo of the assisting nurse, GI Jane?
December 17th, 2010 at 1:42 pm
What about the… um pa pa song…done with tuba?
December 17th, 2010 at 1:52 pm
Man, what a $hitty thing to happen to a fine man. I texted the “Man” for ya. On the bright side, be glad this happened before Barry-Care kicked in. You’d bleed out before getting through the voice prompts.
December 17th, 2010 at 2:05 pm
DL474- Great! We’ve got Track 2!
I’d also like to add Queen’s “Fat Bottom Girls”.
For the scene during the procedure, Frank Sinatra singing “Please Be Kind”.
December 17th, 2010 at 2:07 pm
Mrs. C: A new one for the soundtrack:
Jim Morrison: The End.
December 17th, 2010 at 2:33 pm
Proof-
YES!
How about “Back Door Man”?
December 17th, 2010 at 2:35 pm
BTW- The Willie Dixon version, not The Doors.
December 17th, 2010 at 2:47 pm
Mrs. C, you really should take him dinner after this ordeal. Maybe a nice rump roast?
December 17th, 2010 at 3:08 pm
Actually Proof, I just bought some Boston Butt, I make a mean pulled pork sandwich. Sunday afternoon, my place, if you’re not doing anything special…..
December 17th, 2010 at 3:16 pm
How about Linkin Park’s “In the End” for the soundtrack. Of course we can’t overlook The Smashing Pumpkins: “The End is the Beginning is the End.”
December 17th, 2010 at 3:38 pm
How about, “You don’t bring me flowers anymore”. heh
December 17th, 2010 at 3:45 pm
“Yesterday, I had to drink the ‘prep,’ which is akin to Liquid Draino.”
Hey, that reminds me of a movie quote (big surprise, right?):
It’s true what they say: Cops and women don’t mix. It’s like eating a spoonful of Drano. Sure it’ll clean you out, but it’ll leave you hollow inside.”
-Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen), The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad! (1988)
I always suspected that Frank Drebin was based on you, Wyatt.
But seriously, dude, I’ll keep my fingers crossed that it’s only a hemorrhoid or some other non-serious thing.
December 17th, 2010 at 3:47 pm
Nice selections Dr. Evil!
DL474, that would be perfect for the scene at the end when he’s walking back to his car.
And John- We’re on a deadline, so we need you to find out the name of the tuba song.
December 17th, 2010 at 3:47 pm
Mrs. C: Not sure I’m ready to have my pork pulled this weekend, but thanks for the invite!
(Why does it sound dirty when I say that?)
December 17th, 2010 at 4:43 pm
Hang in there Wyatt, a prayer for you.
December 17th, 2010 at 4:47 pm
I just had the procedure…man are you in for hell! Dropped you an email with pictures
December 17th, 2010 at 5:05 pm
I had the procedure done too. All I can say is, after the first hour, they called off the search for Jimmy Hoffa!
December 17th, 2010 at 5:20 pm
…, I am trusting God to give your doctor steady hands today
…, I am trusting God to take away your anxiety
December 17th, 2010 at 6:05 pm
I’m only 42 and I’ve had two scopes and “the finger” too many times to count. I think my doctor just likes me
I’m praying that it’s nothing, Wyatt. Sending good vibes…
December 17th, 2010 at 6:28 pm
I highly recommend drinking the blood of virgins to combat anemia.
December 17th, 2010 at 7:12 pm
Uncle Ray – Yeah, “brain” surgery would have been easier.
Ingineer66 – There were a few photos attached on my discharge papers. Not pretty.
Proof – Not a bad title, considering.
Mrs. Crankipants – And here we go.
DL474 – Et tu, DragonLady?
Jon – How German of you.
Hutch1200 – Yeah, with ObamaCare I could have gotten a date sometime in 2022.
Dr. Evil – Smashing Pumpkins before Linkin Park.
John D – I’m not as good looking as Drebin, but thanks. And that’s exactly what it was: hemorrhoids.
Ralph – Thanks!
Rob – Ooo, can’t wait to see those!
OutsidePhilly – Thanks much! Went off without a hitch.
Lou – Thanks, man. Much better than I imagined. No pain at all.
Nancy – Shouldn’t you be in your BOTOX center?
December 17th, 2010 at 7:12 pm
Thankful that it is nothing. By the way, I thought you were supposed to deal with the hemorrhoids of society. Not develop them.
December 17th, 2010 at 7:16 pm
Kim – Maybe they’re contagious?
December 17th, 2010 at 7:35 pm
Great news, Wyatt. Glad to hear it’s nothing serious. BTW, when I had my tailpipe scoped a few years ago, I woke up during the procedure. Trust me, you didn’t miss much by sleeping through it.
December 17th, 2010 at 8:15 pm
I told you everything would be fine. We all did!
December 17th, 2010 at 9:02 pm
Just glad you’re okay. Prayed for you quite a bit, today.
December 17th, 2010 at 9:14 pm
John D – No, I would think not. I would have freaked out.
GroovyVic – Yeah, yeah. Considering recent events here, I assumed the worst.
RT – Thanks.
December 17th, 2010 at 9:18 pm
Thank God the alien in your head doesn’t have hemorrhoids too… That could get ugly.
December 17th, 2010 at 9:20 pm
CM – Yeah, cleanup, aisle one! My doc said he agreed with the other doc about that. Most likely nothing, and we’ll check to see if the alien gets bigger.
December 17th, 2010 at 9:59 pm
Glad to hear it’s nothing serious.
December 18th, 2010 at 12:22 am
No. Tomorrow is free zombie facials day.
December 18th, 2010 at 8:43 am
Lou – Thanks. It’s a definite relief.
Nancy – Sweet! I’ll tell Ted Kennedy and Robert Byrd!
December 18th, 2010 at 10:08 am
Soooper News Wyatt! This calls for my alltime favorite bartender jokes:
What is the difference between a proctologist and a bartender ? A proctologist only looks at one asshole at a time!
December 18th, 2010 at 1:04 pm
Prayers sent.
I am glad to hear that your doing better.
December 18th, 2010 at 6:42 pm
Now that you’re better, go and make bad guy’s butts bleed!! Glad you’re Okee Dookie!!
December 18th, 2010 at 8:10 pm
T’anks for sharing the journey to Uranus and back. I will now head for the brain bleach. You are now a certified official Old Fart – with witnesses!
December 19th, 2010 at 7:42 am
AJ – Nicely played.
Rick – Thanks. Much less stress now.
Roger – Wow, that didn’t sound right at all.
Mike47 – Semi-old fart, thank you very much!
December 23rd, 2010 at 12:25 pm
I did not write this, but I experienced the exact scenario as the author did. Glad all is well for you. When things down there are not good, it hard to share the experience. Everyone talks freely about Brest Cancer, issues with the neither region, not so much.
That being said here’s Mathew’s story:
Now, I’m a 32 year old guy, and I’ve taken my fair share of dumps in my life so it wasn’t very difficult to tell something was wrong right away. Dropped trou, sat down, followed the urge to purge and was rewarded with a very unique shooting pain from down under. It wasn’t so bad that I fell off the john, but it was bad enough that I took immediate notice. I gingerly finished my duties and reached for an extra large handful of tissue, not really knowing what to expect.
Everyone, from time to time, experiences a nasty or messy bowel movement. The kind of dump where you feel like calling in the Hazmat team to handle the clean up. I was expecting something along these lines, maybe even some blood. I was prepared. I can handle gross, bloody messes. After all, with enough TP and some clean water everything ends up back to normal.
So down I reach with a huge wad of white, fluffy Charmin anticipating the chore ahead, but as soon as I touched my ass I was practically knocked unconscious by the pain. Sharp, immediate all-consuming pain. After taking a moment to recover, I began gingerly cleaning up and discovered that my problem wasn’t coming from the asshole, but just above it, and to the left.
Sort of like a pimple, but unbelievably sensitive. “Ah shit, (no pun intended) I’ve got a zit on my left cheek,” I thought. “Well, I’d better pop the little fucker.” So I brace for the pain, grab either side and give a big squeeze expecting it to let go like a geyser. No such luck. All I got for my trouble was enough pain to make me see stars. Since I was clean and had been in the office bathroom for way too long at this point, I decided to just deal with it later and go back to work.
The rest of the day passed without too much trouble, but I was constantly shifting around and uncomfortable. I figured after all the manipulation that morning that the little fucker plaguing my ass would come to a nice head and I could dispose of it when I got home. No such luck. What followed was three days of self-inflicted torture. The thing just kept getting bigger and bigger, and more and more painful. Several times I thought I had it beat. I could have sworn that I felt it pop a bit, but the surface remained unbroken and it would always fill back up.
Eventually, after four days of pain, I had had enough. While taking a nice hot shower I got the bugger nice and big and, instead of trying to pop it, I grabbed the surface skin between my fingernails and RIPPED the sucker open!
I was rewarded with an immediate and satisfying gush of nasty pus. It felt immediately better. I thought I’d beaten it. Man, was I wrong. For the next week, the damn thing just kept filling up. Sometimes heroically so.
It was amazing, no matter how much I emptied it, it just kept filling back up. About this time I noticed something else very strange. I was at a party, and had eaten a big bowl of chili for lunch. The result was a massive case of gas that I didn’t really want to release in a crowded group, but every time I’d feel it coming and bear down to keep it in, I’d feel a little tickle of gas escaping.
This happened several times that night, and into the next day. I was beginning to think maybe something was seriously wrong. I really began to think so when after taking a fairly soft crap, I was amazed to find that shit was coming out of my pimple head!! But the only way that could be was if… OH MY GOD! THE FUCKER GOES ALL THE WAY THROUGH!! I felt sick. This was just too weird. I was defective.
Genetically aberrant. I’d have to go through life shitting out of two holes. I called my doctor.
Why is it that every time you’ve got something nasty wrong with you, your doctor’s nurse has to be the cutest, youngest possible nurse in the state? Anyway, I tell little Miss Washington State my story and she, after giving me a look that says how nasty I am, puts me in a room to wait. In comes the doctor and asks for the story again. I ask him, so why the hell did I just tell it to the cute nurse? Something about procedure, he said.
Anyway, I tell him the story and he starts smiling and chuckling to himself. Catching the look I gave him, he sobered up and told me that he was just amused by the description, and complimented me on its accuracy. “I think you have a fistula, but I want to make sure so drop’em and grab some desk.” A fist-a-who, I thought. He then played with my ass for a bit and said, “yup, you’ve got a fistula.”
He then told me what the hell it was. It seems everyone is blessed by nature with several anal glands. These glands are internal versions of the pores on our skin, but go deeper. Usually, they don’t cause anyone any problems and we go about our lives blissfully unaware of there existence.
For an unfortunate few, like myself, they become infected. When this happens, they back up but instead of just resolving themselves internally, the sadistic little fuckers make for the surface and come burrowing out of your ass creating a tube connecting the outside world to your inside ass. This tube is a fistula. More good news, the only way to fix it is with surgery. More, more good news, it’s not the kind of surgery where they simply give you a shot and stitch the hole closed. Oh no, that would be far too simple, for you see the entire length of the tube needs to be opened up and scraped raw so that it can heal closed from the inside out.
Imagine starting a small tube about 5 inches inside your rectum. Run that tube perpendicularly away from your rectum for a couple of inches into your body, then begin to veer it out. Eventually it’ll reach the surface, but might be several inches away from where your rectum becomes your asshole.
Fun, huh? This entire tract that the tube takes needs to be sliced open. Basically, this amounts to having the doctors butterfly your ass open. Then they don’t even have the decency to close you back up! You’ve got to heal closed on your own so as to not risk infection.
I spent over a month with raw, oozing, butterflied ass tissue dripping nasty yellowish fluid, bleeding from time to time all over my shorts. I stuffed myself with gauss, panty liners and tape, but it would still seep through.
I couldn’t sit for over a week. When I could, I would trigger a new round of bleeding every time I sat down. I’m not even going to go into what it was like to take a shit under these conditions. Pure, condensed nasty. Eventually I just started going directly from the toilet to the shower. It saved at least 20 rolls of toilet paper. I’m fine now, but if it ever happens again I think I’ll just take a Ferrari for a test drive and help myself to a nice, painless High Speed Flaming Death.