Something Is Rotten In The State Of Denmark

By Wyatt Earp | October 3, 2009

One of the best things about writing at Family Security Matters is also one of the worst things. Even though your deadline is mid-week, your article has to be timely. So, when my article about President Obama’s Copenhagen Olympic junket was made obsolete with yesterday’s decision, I figured the article wouldn’t go to print.

Oh well, at least I can bore all of you with it here. Enjoy!

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The White House announced this week that President Obama would be traveling to Denmark to pitch Chicago’s bid for the 2016 Summer Olympic Games. The news was met with roughly the same reaction as Kanye West’s interruption of Taylor Swift’s MTV Award speech. No one could believe he said it, and everyone wanted to tape his mouth shut after he did. This must have been a joke; April Fool’s Day came early. Witnesses expected Press Secretary Robert Gibbs to announce that the president was dating Beyonce’ next. Surely there were more important things on the president’s plate than an Olympic bid, right?

Wrong. The president has made no bones about his desire for a Chicago Olympics, and he told his closest advisers that he couldn’t wait until 2016.

Similarly, more than 50 percent of American voters cannot wait until 2016, either, since that will mean President Obama is finally out of the White House – assuming he earns a second term. That assumption may be just that, considering the president is spending more time with Jay Leno and George Lopez than he is with Congress and his military commander in Afghanistan. Of course, unlike the stumbling economy, the war in Afghanistan, and those other dead ends, this is his chance to help his hometown land the Olympics! The president has his priorities:

Obama will join other administration officials and first lady Michelle Obama in pitching Chicago to the International Olympic Committee on Friday, spokesman Robert Gibbs said. The IOC will vote on the host city the same day.

No other U.S. president has ever attended an IOC vote.

Obama, who lived in Chicago and represented Illinois in the Senate before becoming president, will be on official business representing the bid by the United States to host the Olympics, Gibbs said Monday.

Oh, well the president will be on “official business” so that makes it all on the up-and-up. One has to ask, however, why this president’s definition of “official business” differs from other presidents’ definition of the term. In the Obama administration, the following actions and events come under the official business umbrella: taking Air Force One to Manhattan to catch dinner and a show with the wife, scheduling White House concerts with Stevie Wonder, and throwing friends and supporters under the bus. Strangely enough, washing the body-strewn undercarriage of said bus also falls under the official business heading.

Missing from the press release are the exact details of the president’s pitch. Will there be yet another Teleprompter bore-fest, or will the president perform a big musical number, complete with top hat and cane? According to the scuttlebutt around the press corps, neither is in the works. For his one chance at immortality, Barack Obama is going all out. For example, the president is planning to enter Copenhagen dressed as Uncle Sam atop a great steed, while dunking his Danish pastry into a pint of Carlsberg beer. Hopefully, this time the president can hold his liquor, unlike the last time, when he stumbled across Europe shouting, “Out of my way, peons, I’m an American!”

Once the initial portrayal of “the ugly American” is out of the way, the president will make his formal pitch to the International Olympic Committee. Dressed as Shakespeare’s Prince Hamlet for dramatic effect, he will informally “bury” his past questionable alliances with well-known radicals. To wit:

“Alas, poor Reverend Jeremiah! I knew him, Michelle; a fellow of infinite racism, of most excellent fancy; he hath borne me on his back a thousand times; until I denounced him to get elected.”

The president believes this will be enough to bring the bacon home to Chicago, but if not, he is prepared to go even further. Since baseball and softball have been dropped from the 2012 Olympic program, the president believes he can garner influence and favoritism from the IOC by proposing two new events. President Obama will need his wife as a prop for the first suggestion: Women’s Political Weightlifting. This sport will match up prominent female political leaders in a competition of power and strength. Michelle Obama has the most muscular and toned arms of any politico on Earth, and the president believes she could be a lock for Chicago gold. Vegas bookmakers disagree, and believe that both German Chancellor Angela Merkel and Lithuanian Prime Minister Kazimira Prunskienė would wipe the mat, so to speak, with the American First Lady.

President Obama will also suggest adding a new track and field event, and it also involves some close personal friends. In the Community Organizing Road Race, disgraced entities such as ACORN would participate in 100m sprints from federal prosecutors. The beauty of this event is that no matter who finishes first, everyone wins.

Confident that his mere appearance, along with his fresh and exciting ideas for the Olympics, will secure Chicago the 2016 Games, President Obama will return home to adoring crowds that – now literally – sing his praises. If this scenario goes as planned, his popularity will rival that of the late, great Billy Mays. The president’s visage will adorn statues, abortion clinics, and PEZ dispensers for all eternity. And after all, is that not the reason that every person goes into politics?

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