The Answer Man Is Here

By Wyatt Earp | June 18, 2009

Well, the readers have spoken and as always, you have come through with some fantastic questions. The answers were found after an extensive period of thought and meditation. You know, like three minutes’ time. Enjoy!

AJ Lynch asks, “Do you know where the phrase ‘Get cracking’ originated?”

AJ, a lot of folks don’t know this, but the phrase came about at the beginning of the 20th Century. President Theodore Roosevelt was discussing matters of state with William Howard Taft inside the Oval Office, when Taft dropped his paperwork. Teddy was about to tell Taft to “Get moving,” when he saw the future president’s “plumber’s butt.” The unsightly vision changed Roosevelt’s choice of words, and he ordered Taft to “Get cracking.”

Jason asks, “Does light have mass?”

Jason, that is a little above my pay grade, but I can assure you this: Judith Light has mass wrinkles. Have you seen her since she was on “Who’s the Boss?” Yikes!

Chris Carroll asks, “Using the Uprising of Altair 3 during the reign of the Caltolian Emperor, justify the position of Napoleon’s march into Spain as an 18th Century allegory of transmutation of certain Ribosomal RNA Reductase Inhibitors. Be brief, show all math, and answer in either Classic Greek or Vulgate Latin. If the latter, adhere to iambic pentameter.

Chris, I could answer this question, but the Enterprise is about to depart. Besides, my Classic Greek is rusty and I only know Pig Latin. Orrysay about hattay.

Mike47 asks, “What brand of wrinkle cream does Nancy Pelosi use?”

Mike, reportedly she uses Preparation H. It is rumored to tighten the skin, and has the dual purpose of shrinking the hemorrhoids on her face. After all, Madame Speaker is a horse’s ass.

The rest of the answers are below the fold:

RT asks four questions, making a mockery of my two-question limit. “What kinds of pranks do you and the other detectives play on each other?” “Did Vinnie shave his head ahead of the golf outing so no one would have to ‘Hold his hair’?” “What kind of fun plans do you have for the summer?” “Aside from your lovely wife, kids, and career, what is your biggest NON-regret – something that you did is/was a big impact on your life?”

RT, answered in order. 1. One time, we left a dead hooker in my partner’s trunk. He didn’t realize it until weeks later when she started to reek. Good times. Actually, most of our pranks are photoshops of magazine covers using a detective’s BMV photo. Like the time they put my face over Lance Bass’ on People Magazine over the caption “I’m gay!” 2. No, Vinnie shaved his hair well before then, when Badger remarked that small airplanes could land on his “scalp runway.” 3. Let me just say this: I am planning to spend my summer teaching Chastity Bono the “Man Code.” I figure she would need the training. 4. My biggest non-regret? I don’t think I have any, but I do have a few non-non-regrets. Heh.

Crankipants asks, “Why did God take Sparky away?”

Crankipants, I am sorry to have to tell you this, but it was karma. Apparently, Sparky was selling drugs out of his doghouse, and he was the victim of a drive-by pawing, courtesy of the kittens around the corner.

Mrs. Crankipants asks, “Guilty pleasure?” “Death row last meal?” “Boxers or briefs?” “Favorite black and white movie.”

Mrs. Crankipants, here are my answers in order of appearance. 1. Guilty pleasure? It was and always has been the comedic stylings of F. Murray Abraham. 2. Death row last meal? Hemlock-encrusted tilapia with a side of cyanide lemonade. That’ll show ‘em! 3. Boxers or briefs? Guess again. 4. Favorite black and white movie? Does 48 Hours count? Oh, you meant a movie filmed in black and white! In all seriousness, it would have to be High Noon, starring Gary Cooper. Terrific film.

Bob (Either Orr) asks, “Which NHL player’s game most resembles your style? (And don’t say Gretzky.)” “Should any Supreme Court nominee first have to serve a season as the presiding judge of Eagles court?” “If you could pick the means for terminating Mumia abu-Jamal, what would you choose?”

Bob, answered in order. 1. I would say that my style vaguely resembles that of former Flyer Sami Kapanen. While I don’t have his speed, I play a lot of defense for a forward, and my best skill- and probably only skill – is passing. 2. Absolutely not. If that were a prerequisite, then that scumbag tool Seamus McCaffery would be eligible for the high court. I can’t stand that guy. 3. That’s easy. Mumia should be sentenced to die by The View. Strap him into a chair, and run The View on a continuous loop with the volume turned all the way up. Most people would last for about three minutes.

Morgan asks, “What nickname, if any, do you have for your mayor?”

Morgan, most people know I like to refer to Michael Nutter as Squidward, because his voice and his face are dead ringers for the SpongeBob character. Of course, I also like to call him “That Jackass Who Treats Philadelphia Police Officers and Firefighters Like Shite,” but that’s a little lengthy for everyday use.

Kim asks, “What was the funniest arrest you were ever involved in?” “Will this rain ever stop long enough for the ground to dry out?” “On a scale of 1-10, how nuts am I working 36hrs/wk “part-time” at McDonald’s?”

Kim, answered in order. 1. I locked up Sirhan Sirhan after he shot Robert Kennedy. That was fun. Actually, I once locked up a guy who was naked and claimed he was Jesus Christ. Strangely enough, he was not as polite as you would think. 2. The rain is my fault. I was celebrating after the Penguins won the Stanley Cup, and my Indian Spirit Guide told me it was a rain dance. 3. Wait, wait, wait. You work in McDonald’s? WHY HAVE I NOT RECEIVED FREE FRENCH FRIES???!

DragonLady474 asks, “What was your most embarrassing moment as a police officer, and in your personal life?”

DL, my most embarrassing moment as a police officer was when I posed for the Philadelphia Police Beefcake Calendar and um, “my nightstick” was showing. My most embarrassing personal moment was when I asked the missus to marry me and she laughed right in my face. I remember the word “loser” peppered through the response. Great, now I’m depressed. Thanks, DL! Seriously, on the police side, I obtained a warrant for a man who was falsely identified as a doer. It was my fault, because I was new and didn’t check the complainant’s story. The judge lit into me on the stand, and rightly so. On the personal side, I would say every time I see someone I know and completely blank on the name. Sadly, that has happened more than once.

Randal Graves asks, “What is your position on the role of government in supporting innovation in the field of biotechnology?” “Which is better: conditioner or shampoo?” “The Industrial Revolution changed the face of the modern novel forever. Discuss, citing specific examples.” “Which did you like better, Jedi or The Empire Strikes Back?”

Randal, answered in order. 1. If I may, I would like to defer to Mr. Carville. 2. Conditioner, is better. It leaves the hair silky smooth. Besides, you can always substitute shampoo with soap . . . or bacon grease. 3. Thanks to the dawning of moveable type, the modern novel was easier to produce. As a matter of course, novelization led to the formation of blogs. The formation of blogs gave voice to a multitude of morons – including myself – which led to others commenting on said blogs. And that is why we are here. 4. “Empire” had the better ending. I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader’s his father, Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that’s what life is, a series of down endings. All “Jedi” had was a bunch of Muppets. (Although Princess Leia’s gold bikini in Jedi was the stuff that dreams are made of.)

Uncle Ray asks, “When you’re in the express checkout line at the supermarket, is it considered impolite to threaten to kill the guy in front of you who has an amount due of $3.62, and then pays either by credit card or worse, by personal check?” “At the same express checkout, why do women pay for their $35.98 order by drilling through their pocketbook (including the miniscule change purse therein) for every last friggin’ penny, when men just whip out a $20 bill for a bottle of Coke?”

Uncle Ray, the credit card guys are not as bad anymore because of the credit card swiper at the register. The personal check guys should be shot, then hung, then burned before decapitation. But I have been told that I have a mean streak. On the other hand, you expect idiocy from the ladies, especially from the ones with the pocketbook large enough to carry a Stinger missile. Of course, they can’t find anything . . . except when they are looking for evidence of a man’s mistake!

Crankipants asks, “Is the movie “The Choir Boys” any good? I read the book and had a couple of laughs never saw the movie.”

Crankipants, sorry I haven’t seen it. I don’t like religious films. Heh.

Sully asked, “What is your opinion of Godzilla… friend or foe? Please respond in the form of a haiku.” “Consider a particle in the ground state of a 1-d infinite square well with sides at positions 0 and L. Suddenly the right-hand wall is moved outward so the walls are now at new positions 0 and 2L. What is the probability of observing the particle in the ground state of this new potential?”

Sully, answered as asked.

2. Ron Paul?

Well, that’s all for me. Thanks for the questions!

Topics: Q And A | 8 Comments »