True Detective Stories
By Wyatt Earp | January 7, 2009
I swear to God, I don’t get paid enough to do this job.
Luckily, there are plenty of fringe benefits, especially when the locals start getting restless. The following is an actual phone conversation with an actual human being . . . who is probably under some sort of alien mind control:
Me: “Detective division, may I help you?”
Female Caller: “Yeah, I called about my son. He got arrested tonight for no reason, and . . .”
(Four boring minutes later.)
Female Caller: “. . . So, I want to know what you all’s gonna do about it?”
Me: “Well ma’am, your son is not here yet, but when he gets here the assigned detective will give you a call.”
Female Caller: “Well, when I find that slut that got him locked up, I’m gonna make a citizen’s arrest! I can do that, right?”
Me: “Actually, ma’am, that’s only on television, not real life.”
Female Caller: “You’re kidding.”
Me: “No, ma’am, I’m not.”
Female Caller: (Expletive deleted, then slams down phone.)
For the record, you can (in theory) make a citizen’s arrest. But when you live in the ‘hood and bullets start flying when you look at someone the wrong way, I figured the best advice I could give this woman is to keep her virtual handcuffs safely tucked in her pocket.
Consider it my good deed for the day.
Topics: True Detective Stories | 14 Comments »
Your a better man than me. I would have told her where to find the alleged “slut” in question. It’s time we start padding our stats.
Well, at least she seemed polite. Heh.
I’m with Captain America on this one, if it was me I’d have said, “Ma’am, it would be best if you didn’t make a citizens arrest on your mother” and then wait for the hang up.
Yes, it’s childish, but you have no idea what my life has been like lately.
Captain – I still cannot believe we only have 3 homicides so far this year. I guess there’s no one left to kill.
RT – She was one second away from calling me a “honkey.”
DL474 – Ooh, you’re dark!
Why am I hearing Don Knotts going “Citizen’s arrest! Citizen’s arrest!”
Ah yes, the citizen’s arrest.
Reminds me of that time I was at Safeway and some food slut grabbed the last bag of Hot Chili Doritos when I was clearly coming down the aisle to get it.
I tased her like 4 or 5 times and cuffed her to cheese dip rack.
I thought about shooting her instead but I didn’t want to risk hitting the chips.
Why are Philadelphia Police officers always arresting people for no good reason?
Doghouse;
If I recall, it was Gomer(Jim Nabors) who was yelling when Barney made a u-turn in the middle of the street.
Just sayin’
Stay safe
Doghouse – Luckily for me, I am allowed more than one bullet.
Kaveman – Bawahahahaha!!! “But, your honor – they were Hot Chili Doritos!”
“Case dismissed.”
Mrs. Crankipants – It’s how we get our jollies.
Lergnom – I’ll take your word for it. Heh.
I was going to mention the need about someone having to actually do something illegal to get citizen’s arrested, then I remembered in Philly, you arrest people for no good reason all the time.
Of course some of the citizens down here seem to think that anything short of murder is no good reason to get arrested.
Totally off topic, but if that were a “Caption This” picture, the only thing going through my head is the cop singing and dancing to “I feel pretty.”
Here’s how that call would’ve went had I answered the phone:
“Yeah, I called about my son. He got arrested toni…”
“You want booking, please hold.”
*Transfers call.*
You’ve got alot to learn, Earp!
I’m just curious what the young man did to get arrested. Did you ever find out?
Marvin – Correction: We only lock up minorities for no good reason. Oh, and the Irish.
Kim – Everyone feels pretty with donuts!
Moe – I know, I know. (Feels shame.)
XBradTC – Domestic violence. He thought it would be keen to stab his baby mama in the arm.