Checking The Snippage
By Wyatt Earp | September 29, 2008
Editor’s Note: The following post contains many examples of “TMI.” These examples are necessary to produce the necessary comedic effect. Read at your own risk.
So, today I was scheduled to um, give the urologist my, um, “sample” to see if the vasectomy took. I am praying that it does, because I am NOT going through that horror ever again. After the snip, the nurse gave me an, um, “sample cup” which had to be, um, “filled,” and taken to the laboratory.
It would have been great if the missus asked me to fill the cup. Then, in my best James Bond impersonation, I could reply, “From here?” But I digress.
I had to call the lab beforehand. I didn’t just want to barge in and lay my seed on the desk. This isn’t Hollywood, ya know. That conversation was just a blast:
Me: “Um, hello. I have to bring in a sample for my post-vasectomy analysis. The doctor asked me to call first.”
Lab Guy: “Okay, no problem. Just bring in the sample and your insurance card, and you’ll be set.”
(Here’s where I could have died.)
Me: “Um, this is really embarrassing, but I bring in the sample, right? Or do I do it there?”
Lab Guy: (Laughing) “No, you bring it in.”
Me: (Thinking) “I am so making the wife buy me an expensive gift for this.”
Despite appearances here, I am a pretty modest guy. I embarrass easily, especially when it comes to things like these. Luckily, the missus knows me all too well, and suggested I “retrieve the sample” when she’s out with the kids. Good move, because I couldn’t do that with other humans in the house.
Any hoo, I collect said sample, take it to the lab – in a brown paper bag, because I don’t want anyone seeing the sample cup – fill out the necessary paperwork, and curl up in the fetal position on the office floor. All in all, it was a terrific experience. /Snark.
I should know the results in a week or so.
Topics: All About Wyatt | 25 Comments »
September 29th, 2008 at 9:08 pm
You should have gone in the military… Then modesty is no longer a factor…
You just don’t GAS who is around (Other than children)
September 29th, 2008 at 9:09 pm
Wyatt, where’s a helpin’ hand when a guy needs it, right? The wimmin folk ask us to “take one for the team“ and then, when you really could use a comforting hand on your, er, shoulder, they’ve got something else to do or somewhere that they’ve really gotta be.
At least you didn’t have the sure-death/smart-ass/impulse/Tourette’s syndrome/brain fart and blurt out to the nurse “Could you give me a hand with this?” when she handed you the cup and told you that you needed to make a deposit.
Think of the “sampling” in these terms: At least you’ve got an excuse.
It’s been over two years now and I’m still trying to convince the wife that the doc’s office wants me to drop off samples twice per week. :p
September 29th, 2008 at 9:12 pm
Old NFO – Yeah, I figured modesty goes out the window in the services.
B.C. – When the female lab tech said, “Put it on the desk,” I almost asked, “Inside the cup, or out?” Heh.
September 29th, 2008 at 10:00 pm
Shaken and not stirred?
September 29th, 2008 at 10:48 pm
Man, she left herself wide open to an entire plethora of smart-ass remarks with that one!
“Sorry, hon, but he’s kinda shy and a bit tired at the moment. He just got through spittin’ out a batch of crotch cobra venom a little while ago.”
September 29th, 2008 at 11:10 pm
“Or do I do it there?”
What were you gonna do:
1. Ask for his help?
2. Beat it right there on the counter?
bwahahahahahaha!
September 29th, 2008 at 11:26 pm
Guys never grow up and are BIG, FAT, WIMPS!
September 29th, 2008 at 11:31 pm
RT – Ew, gross!
B.C. – Yeah, the snarky possibilities are endless!
Randal – Well, it’s so big, I usually need help.
Deanna – Hey! I’m less fat!!!
September 30th, 2008 at 12:00 am
You knew what I meant!
September 30th, 2008 at 12:03 am
Deanna – I do, but I had to mess with ya a little.
September 30th, 2008 at 12:35 am
COMBAT JACK DUDE!
September 30th, 2008 at 12:36 am
September 30th, 2008 at 12:54 am
Did the missus at least help you produce the sample?
September 30th, 2008 at 2:48 am
“Laying it on the counter” reminds me of an incident at one of our Circle K stores years ago. A man came up to the counter and set down a can of cream style corn and then proceeded to display his tallywacker on the counter beside it. Oh my gosh, the clerk took that can of corn and gave it a mighty whack! That was back in the 70′s and I still laugh about it. Somehow the fact that it was cream style corn just makes it a perfect story!
September 30th, 2008 at 8:07 am
My DW was more then happy to help with the sampling
September 30th, 2008 at 11:24 am
Where were the magazines and videos?
September 30th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
That is hilarious, be glad you near enough to the collection center.
I do not live near the collection facility, so they put me in a 4 foot by 6 foot bathroom to get my sample. There was a sink, a toilet, a trash can and a paper towel dispenser. I could tell it was going to be a stand up affair. Needless to say with the elevator music and some guy calling out names of the next patient I had a rather tough time starting. I was getting ready to uh, finish and I hear someone turning the door knob. It was locked! I said nothing as I was breathless and I despise speaking in high pitch voices. So after losing the sample I had to start again. At this time I noticed the walls closing in on me. I was sweating like I was running a 440 in a phone booth in Phoenix on July the 4th. There was no ventilation in the room and fan was going full blast. Sometime later after finishing I took the sample to the technician who was looking at me like I must have had a lot of trouble finishing.
I have claustrophobia now.
September 30th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
So much snarky wit, so little time.
September 30th, 2008 at 5:31 pm
Okay, now I really need the brain bleach.
September 30th, 2008 at 9:50 pm
I think your turning Japanese…
And the hits keep coming!
September 30th, 2008 at 10:05 pm
I just had a stroke of genius! This may just be a shot in the dark but it’s worth a try.
Paint yourself spotted, don a cowbell and get your ass to the nearest dairy farm to get hooked up to a milking machine…hey, you never know.
October 1st, 2008 at 1:32 pm
You know, these “labs” should provide comfortable space in which to get your freak on. Big screen TV, computer with Internet (mmmm Internet), and a fridge stocked with “post sample” beverages.
That sounds like a good start up business. A building with a suite of comfortable rooms and a courier service to deliver the sample to the appropriate lab (I can see the magnet sign on the delivery car now – Caution: Sperm Samples).
I may have to draft a business plan and create a franchise.
Jason
October 1st, 2008 at 8:52 pm
I just had another idea, they could set up a taget on the wall (think darts), and when you’re done hitting the target, all they have to do is go in after you’re finished and collect the target. If you hit a bullseye, your next appointment is free!
October 2nd, 2008 at 1:44 pm
Captain – Yeah, thanks for that.
RFTR – No such luck. She’s been really tired with the pregnancy.
WM – That story is awesome!!!
Deogi – Lucky bastard!
Doghouse – Internet, babe!
Admiral – Wow, and I thought I added TMI. Heh.
Kim – Have at it, ma’am!
RT – Oh, you love it. Don’t try and deny it!
Captain – I have that song on my mp3 player. Ha!
DL474 – You are a sick, sick woman. I love it!
Jason – When you’re looking for investors, give me a call.
DL474 – You are just absolutely loving this, aren’t you?
October 2nd, 2008 at 5:07 pm
What can I say? I have a warped sense of humor. lol