Off With Their Heads!
By Wyatt Earp | July 12, 2008
God, I hope the doctor won’t be using this on me!
Well, I had the mandatory consultation for the *winces* vasectomy yesterday. I had to stop by the office before work, so I went in wearing my full gear: Glock 17, extra magazine, handcuffs, and grim facial expression. I figured if I was openly carrying I would have the doc’s full attention.
After filling out the required paperwork for the snip – apparently it is less of a hassle to purchase a dirty bomb than it is to get your winky whacked – the nurse brought me back and asked for a urine sample.
Sidebar, Your Honor?
1. The nurse was much too hot – dangerously hot – to be working in a urologist’s office. The last thing you want happening after a vasectomy is to “notice” the smoking hot blond in the scrubs.
2. The nurse didn’t ask in the correct manner. I wanted her to hold out the cup and say, “Could you fill this, please?” Then, I could use the classic Bond retort, “From here?” Hilarity ensues.
Any hoo, I filled the cup – and left the toilet seat up to frak with them – before going into the room. The doctor came in, sat down, and gave me “the consultation.” This consisted of a lot of “Are you sure?” questions and detailed descriptions of what they’re gonna do to me. Oh, and he finished with the “What could go wrong” speech. I tuned out after said, “And if it doesn’t fully work, we’ll have to perform a second vasectomy.”
I left the office trying not to hold my giblets, and came to terms with the realization that my swimmers would cease to exist in exactly two weeks. Thirteen days now, but who’s counting? The doc said that the procedure will be done in the office, and I would be leaving with a lovely set of five stitches.
The procedure is scheduled for Friday, July 25th, and I have an ice hockey playoff game on Sunday night. I can probably play, right?
Topics: All About Wyatt | 19 Comments »
Wyatt-
Why not just cross Jesse Jackson? I’m sure he’d do it for free!
hi Shawn,
my typing is lousy due to recovey from carpal tunnel
surgery and 2 needles in left elbow for tendinitis. any hoo
when a friend of mine took her hunband to the dr. for a vasectomy. When it was over,the dr. told her to take him home, put him on ice and go rent some movies, which she did. When pulling out of her parking space some one, not looking hit the front of her car. it was bad enough that a police officer had to be called. When officer came, her comment was, “I can’t believe this, both my husband and the car got their front ends clipped today. and the officer asked, wow, your husband was in an accident also?
cute story, just trying to add some humor to your side or should I say your front??
good luck,
aunt noreen
you don’t have to print this on your blog. it was easier just printing here.
Either this is going to be worse than you could ever imagine, or it will be nothing to remark over in forty years – you will have forgotten. I figure you have been pounded in hockey worse than the doctor is going to be on you – and only you mental anguish, caused by some desire to suffer and bleed over this sacrifice for population control (only your genes, fellow) will stress you out. Just think, your favorite mayor and Police chief may call a mandatory formation that you can’t miss – and the whole thing be delayed until the doctor gets back from the Bahamas, where he has been spreading his swimmers. Don’t worry everything can be worse, and you will probably miss that really bad part. Hmm…
Go ahead and play your game. If you feel any discomfort you can just lay down on the ice.
#1 Haven’t you done enough to mankind already? What’s the hold up?
#2 If this going to provoke a string of whiny pity posts you might as well do it yourself Bee Boy!
#3 Sure go ahead and play that game. Just don’t complain when what’s left of your withered sack swells up like Angelina Jolie-Pitt whatevers lips!
#4 As pain phobic as you are I’m still betting you puss out!
MAXIMUM SNARKASM ON THIS ONE BUDDY!
Well when my cat had his nuts removed, he was jumping running and playing in half a day.
He was also licking the place where the nuts used to be.
You don’t want to let a cat outdo you – so get out on the ice. The nutlicking is optional.
Wow.
I would say the black one is what you think you need.
The yellow one is what is actually needed.
Am I close?
LOL
test
1. How do you think the doctor knows whether or not he really needs to prescribe his patients Viagra?
2. I think she might have heard that joke, oh, about a bazillion times. She would not have been amused. Trust me, as someone who has a song with her name in it and hears it quite often, by bad singers, no less.
3. Hope it all turns out well.
Mope – I wonder if he’d do it for me, or if he just wants to do it to Barack Obama?
Aunt Noreen – Thanks. I am hoping that I will be able to recover with ice, movies, and a kid-free weekend.
Earl – Believe me, the last thing the world needs is more Little Wyatts running around. Isn’t there enough sarcasm in the world? My friend Fish came through it fine. Vinnie? Not so much. We’ll see how I fare.
Deanna – Great idea! I like your thinking.
Captain – 1. The doc sets the appointment, moron, not me.
2. This is the second post, and I’ll do one after the snip. That’s a total of three, which is three more than you usually post in one day. Glad I busted my hump covering for you on vacation to see you come back and ignore your blog.
3. I’m not playing. It was sarcasm.
4. Already took the day off. I’m going.
Ky person – Wow, that’s cold. Maybe I’ll live-blog the nutlicking?
Typicalwhitey – Ouch! Are you and Ky person in cahoots?
RT – Sweet! A triumvirate of evil posts from my female readers!
Typicalwhitey – Your avatar is coming up in my dashboard, so it should be on the site shortly.
My husband complained about gravity…you can go from there.
And, once the soreness goes away, you’re encouraged to “clean the pipes” as it were, to get any excess swimmers out. Don’t throw out the “little hats” just yet.
Hey, Husband had a good time for that part!
Dude – buy three bags of frozen peas. Rotate/refreeze as necessary. Call me when you are about to have your nads zapped and I will hook you up with some “recovery cigars”.
I’m holding out for a male birth control. A couple more years of marriage and there won’t be any sex to worry about… Problem solved.
When/If they come near my nads with anything sharp they better have me out cold. It only takes 12 pounds of pressure to break any joint in the body and I know which way the elbow/shoulder is NOT supposed to bend.
I would only make it through one round of “are you sure you want to do this” before I saw the light and replied “NO”.
Jason
Wyatt, you do NOT, under ANY circumstances, want to be anywhere near a hockey rink (or even a feather duster for that matter), for at least a couple of weeks after being snipped. You may “feel” like you can take on the world, but all it takes is one little “wrong movement” or “inertial stimulation” and you’ll be in weeks, if not months, of pain. Use the ice and wear the jock strap, per doc’s orders, or you’ll regret it. Trust me.
Not saying how I know this… Let’s just say “Ooooooooo, I
feltheard it through the grapevine”, so to speak.(BTW, if yer gettin’ the V-word done to allow the spousal unit to get off of birth control drugs, just wait until that nasty stuff gets out of her system. It’ll be like your first year of marriage all over again. You’ll be kickin’ yourself for not having it done sooner. Oh, and the “cleaning out the pipes” give you a good excuse for frequent, uh, er, um, helping hands.)
GroovyVic – Thank you. I am now sorry I posted about this.
Jason – I keep haring about the peas. I’ll have to buy throw-away bags, since I love peas.
B.C. – But, dude, it’s the PLAYOFFS!!! Actually, I don’t think I’ll be able to watch the game let alone play in it.
When I castrate goats, they don’t complain. They’re up and running like nothing happened. But then again, I don’t cut. I use a band castrator and put a band around the testicles which kills the nerves, cuts off the blood supply and they just fall off. No mess, no blood, no fuss.
I have extra bands and the castrator handy if you need them.
*Pat-pats Wyatt.
You’ll be fine. Skip the damned hockey game though. It’s never fun to watch a hockey player chipping up the rink to get crushed ice to go in his Underoos.
Take the first pain pill before the numb-nuttedness wears off and hopefully by day 2, you’ll feel like at least watching the game.
And please, don’t do what my cat did when we had him fixed- lay around, whining and moaning. Your wife might give you a concussion and you’ll be wearing ice on both ends.
Yes, you can play hockey after the big V, just make sure you use a cup, don’t want those stitches coming loose.
Had it done 15 years ago, walk in, local anesthetic, all you feel is some pulling and poking, a couple of nasty looking stainless steel clips are applied with what appears to be linemans pliers and you are “fixed” for life.
Stitches?? I don’t remember my ex having stitches…