Recent Posts

Recent Comments


Cop Land

« | Main | »

Guards With Frickin’ Laser Beams

By Wyatt Earp | August 24, 2010

Science fiction, you say? No, not so much. A new method of crowd control, called a “laser,” is being tested in the Los Angeles County Jail. That’s right, everyone from Jay Mariotti to Lindsay Lohan can now receive an instant suntan, thanks to a breakthrough of Gene Roddenberry proportions.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the future . . . today!

Guards at the Los Angeles County jail complex in Castaic will start using a newfangled weapon that produces a deep burning sensation — which is not to be confused with a “warm fuzzy feeling” — in whomever it is aimed at.

The 7 1/2-foot-tall “Assault Intervention Device,” which sheriff’s deputies demonstrated Friday at the Pitchess Detention Center, emits an invisible beam that causes an unbearable sensation, reported the Daily News.

The energy traveling at the speed of light penetrates the skin up to 1/64 of an inch deep. No one can stand being in the beam’s path for more than about three seconds, Mike Booen of Raytheon told the Daily News.

If there is a downside to this, I don’t see it. What’s better is that this gets us one step closer to blasters. And really, everyone looks cool holding a blaster . . .

Topics: Coolness!, The Job | 15 Comments »

15 Responses to “Guards With Frickin’ Laser Beams”

  1. RogerDee Says:
    August 24th, 2010 at 7:24 am

    Mini ME, Stop humping…. never mind

  2. Mrs. Crankipants Says:
    August 24th, 2010 at 7:39 am

    Pass the popcorn!

  3. JimB Says:
    August 24th, 2010 at 8:03 am

    It will be ok until they blind someone and get sued for a billion dollars and loose.

  4. Robert B. Says:
    August 24th, 2010 at 8:35 am

    I’ll wait on a lightsaber.

  5. Picky Says:
    August 24th, 2010 at 8:42 am

    I can’t wait for the blaster pistols.

    But Wyatt….what’s a gurad?

  6. Sally Anne Says:
    August 24th, 2010 at 8:51 am

    I like this. When I was in the army I recall hearing that something like it was being tested for crowd control- and that like tear gas or OC, we weren’t going to be allowed to use it on bad guys. (as MPs we deployed with a bunch of non-lethal crap that we couldn’t even take out of storage unless it was to count it.)

  7. VariableFeedback Says:
    August 24th, 2010 at 8:57 am

    Just what Lindsay Lohan needs, another burning sensation that she can’t explain.

  8. Ferrell Gummitt Says:
    August 24th, 2010 at 10:21 am

    “And really, everyone looks cool holding a blaster . . .”

    ….except maybe Phil Spector.

    I could see Sarah Palin having a couple strapped on and looking hot.

    Just Sayin..

  9. proof Says:
    August 24th, 2010 at 11:08 am

    Seems to me that anyone suitably hopped up on drugs could be immune to this. Do they need any volunteers for testing??

  10. RT Says:
    August 24th, 2010 at 11:21 am


  11. Mike47 Says:
    August 24th, 2010 at 11:42 am

    I think this is focused microwave energy, not laser. Laser uses energy in a coherent beam of light within the visible spectrum, usually red and sometimes green, and I don’t see that in the video. The device resembles a microwave projector. The military has been testing a larger version of this as a non-lethal combat weapon.

  12. Mike47 Says:
    August 24th, 2010 at 11:46 am

    Yep, microwave. See link.!ut/p/c4/04_SB8K8xLLM9MSSzPy8xBz9CP0os3hLAwMDd3-nYCN3M19LA0_nEDPvMJMAQ39jA_2CbEdFAFVdgp4!/?WCM_GLOBAL_CONTEXT=/wps/wcm/connect/lasd+content/lasd+site/home/home+top+stories/aid+unvealed

  13. Bob G. Says:
    August 24th, 2010 at 11:57 am

    I was wondering when the penal system was going to start employing such things as LRAD (focused sound) or the microwave-based “active-denial” system…

    (at least you’ll know who’s trying to smuggle Orville Redenbacher into Cell block D…)

    Nice touch w/ Dr. Evil.

    (“The LA-SER”) LMAO!

    Keep those hits comin’

    Stay safe.

  14. metoo Says:
    August 24th, 2010 at 12:32 pm

    I’m betting people will be “springing” into action with these on board.

  15. Wyatt Earp Says:
    August 24th, 2010 at 1:12 pm

    RogerDee – Dr. Evil is teh funny.

    Mrs. Crankipants – Put it in the felon’s pocket and instant snacks for the officers!

    JimB – Aargh, my retinas!

    Robert B. – Pisses me off that we don’t have those yet.

    Picky – That’s a blogger who posts when he’s tired. Damnit.

    Sally Anne – When did the frickin’ army get p.c.?

    VF – If I had a nickel every time that happened to me . . . Oh, I’ve said too much.

    Ferrell – With thigh-high boots and a miniskirt . . . I’ll be in my bunk!

    Proof – I already volunteered Captain America.

    RT – I wonder if the guards smelled like bacon afterward?

    Mike47 – Sweet! Better for the popcorn!

    Bob G. – Heh, heh, you said “penal.”

    MeToo – Spring? Board? You made a funny!