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True Detective Stories

By Wyatt Earp | July 29, 2010

I hate my job.

No wait, that’s not entirely accurate. I love my job, but I hate a lot of the people I have to deal with on a daily basis. It’s not just the felons, mind you; it’s also the idiots who come to our front window in search of answers – and a brain. Thankfully, I am there to help. I’m North Philly’s version of the Wizard of Oz.

So this Scarecrow comes to the window and stares at the big sign that says, “Please Slide the Window.” He reads it, looks at me, and looks at the sign again. Here we go.

Wyatt: “Slide the window, sir!”
Man: “Oh, I thought that was a joke.”

Cue the sound of my face-palm.

Wyatt: “May I help you?”
Man: “Yeah, I need to find the first name of my neighbor.”

Wyatt: “Excuse me?”
Man: (With a bucket of attitude.) “The D.A.’s office sent me here to get his first name so I could file a complaint.”

Wyatt: “Oh, okay. Where does your neighbor live?”
Man: “Next door to me.”

Cue the sound of the second face-palm.

Wyatt: “Um, I need his address, sir.”
Man: “Oh.”

After running the neighbor’s address, lo and behold, he had a criminal record. I gave the first name to the dolt at the window, he wrote it down, turned and left. He didn’t close the window, and I didn’t get a thank you. I wanted to yell, “YOU’RE WELCOME!” but thought better of it.

Topics: True Detective Stories | 18 Comments »

18 Responses to “True Detective Stories”

  1. Robert B. Says:
    July 29th, 2010 at 7:49 am

    Hey Wyatt… can you give me the name of my next door neigh…

    Ouch. Sorry.

  2. Old NFO Says:
    July 29th, 2010 at 7:59 am

    Just another day at the oriface, right??? Sigh… I’m surprised your forehead isn’t flat by now with all the facepalms :-)

  3. JT Says:
    July 29th, 2010 at 8:10 am

    What is the sound of one hand clapping ?

  4. Mrs. Crankipants Says:
    July 29th, 2010 at 8:34 am

    Just to clarify, you’re a people person?

  5. USAdmiral Says:
    July 29th, 2010 at 10:13 am

    Nothing like being appreciated is there? It just fills the soul.

  6. Loaded Dice in Vegas Says:
    July 29th, 2010 at 10:23 am

    Always say you are welcome. It starts a lot of conversations.

  7. Robbie Says:
    July 29th, 2010 at 10:43 am

    He could write?

  8. richard mcenroe Says:
    July 29th, 2010 at 11:11 am

    It’s the big guy with the senior-citizen sunglasses who promises he’ll be back… HIM you gotta watch out for…

  9. RT Says:
    July 29th, 2010 at 11:20 am

    Heh…Abbottless Costello.

  10. John D Says:
    July 29th, 2010 at 11:59 am

    It’s scary the folks who are allowed to wander about without adult supervision.

  11. proof Says:
    July 29th, 2010 at 12:21 pm

    I’m with RT!

    “I need the name of the man on first.”


  12. Raptor Says:
    July 29th, 2010 at 2:53 pm

    Sadly, said morons aren’t limited to bothering the Police.

    I volunteer at my local library, working our summer reading club. I cannot tell you how many kids and/or parents come to my table with none of their materials and then give me blank looks and/or attitude when I say I can’t help them. And the sad part is that most of them are repeat offenders.

    It’s stuff like this that makes me fear for the future of this nation.

  13. Picky Says:
    July 29th, 2010 at 2:58 pm


    What’s the sound of one man clapping?


  14. JCM Says:
    July 29th, 2010 at 7:17 pm

    Not only do I know my next door name, have his coordinates for accurate targeting.

    /just kidding

  15. Wyatt Earp Says:
    July 29th, 2010 at 7:29 pm

    Robert B – That’s right, keep tap dancing on the land mine.

    Old NFO – The worst part is that I can’t scream at these idiots, or else I’m the bad guy.

    JT – Who am I, Mr. Miyagi?

    Mrs. Crankipants – Shut yer hole, woman! I’m definitely a people person, god dammit!

    USAdmiral – He was an older white guy. I’m not so used to them hating us.

    LDIV – I guess that’s better than throwing my stapler at him.

    Robbie – Amazing, ain’t it?

    Richard – Yeah, he’ll come back with a shotgun.

    RT – Hey Abbott!!!

    John D – And they are hell-bent on bothering me.

    Proof – I should have kept saying, “Who?”

    Raptor – Yeah, we’re definitely doomed.

    Picky – Nicely played.

    JCM – Hey, you can never be too careful.

  16. skip Says:
    July 30th, 2010 at 2:52 am

    Never, never have job that has to deal with John Q.

  17. Wyatt Earp Says:
    July 30th, 2010 at 12:01 pm

    Skip – Where were you 16 years ago???

  18. bob (either orr) Says:
    July 30th, 2010 at 6:52 pm

    You may have met the only person with fewer functional brain cells than Lindsay Lohan.