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True Detective Stories

By Wyatt Earp | July 14, 2010

Yesterday was a real pain in the ass.

The day started with a brutal thunderstorm. Naturally, the rain came down much heavier the second I stepped out of the car. At about 9am, we saw a blinding flash of light and felt an explosion. To a man we all jumped out of our chairs. I thought, “It’s the reckoning! Repent!”

Thankfully, it wasn’t the Apocalypse. Our building was struck by lightning.

Immediately after the strike, my computer flashed and died. Many of them in the division did the same. All of the rebooted, but our major systems were offline. It stayed that way for the rest of the day. Oh well, at least the storm would keep the idiots away. Or so I thought.

At around 11am, the phone rang. I picked it up and a woman immediately started talking. She said that she had information on a homicide and before I could interrupt her, she launched into the Story of All Stories.

She talked for about five minutes straight, and never let me get a word in edgewise. When she finally took a breath, I said, “Ma’am, if you have information about a homicide, you should be calling the Homicide Division. I can give you their number, and . . .”

Then she actually asked the question.

“The Homicide Division handles homicides?”

I really don’t get paid enough.

Topics: True Detective Stories | 11 Comments »

11 Responses to “True Detective Stories”

  1. RT Says:
    July 14th, 2010 at 8:04 pm

    Good thing you weren’t on the can when the lightning hit the building. ;)

    As for the lady…now you know why folks don’t help the police with homicides. They don’t know the technical jargon (that most sixth graders know).

  2. John D Says:
    July 14th, 2010 at 8:45 pm

    Yeah, but who handles murders?

  3. Loaded Dice in Vegas Says:
    July 14th, 2010 at 9:42 pm

    ….or killings????????

  4. bob (either orr) Says:
    July 14th, 2010 at 9:48 pm

    And who does the hits?

  5. Fenway_Nation Says:
    July 14th, 2010 at 10:36 pm

    Who handles the regicides?

  6. metoo Says:
    July 15th, 2010 at 8:46 am

    Too bad she wasn’t close enough to throw a dictionary at her head. I’m just sayin’.

  7. Wyatt Earp Says:
    July 15th, 2010 at 11:04 am

    RT – It’s like the idiots who call and say their house was robbed. Your house was burglarized not robbed, dumbass!

    John D – The Office Of Deceased Management.

    LDIV – The Zombie Squad?

    Bob – The Italians, of course!

    Fenway – Trafalgar Square?

    MeToo – Or at least a theasuarus.

  8. Bob G. Says:
    July 15th, 2010 at 11:35 am

    Didn’t buildings USED to have (supressors) “lightening rods” that were supposed to divert a strike AWAY from what’s INSIDE the building?
    Or did Nutter do away with THOSE as a cost-cutting measure?

    Man, back to “manual everything”…like the good old days.
    Nothing like a nice PAPER TRAIL, eh?

    As to “Ms Homicide “…
    (rolls eyes)…STILL takes all kinds, doesn’t it?

    Stupid ALWAYS is as stupid ALWAYS does.
    (guess Philly schools aren’t what they USED to be back in my day)

    Stay safe out there, Boss!

  9. Jon Brooks Says:
    July 15th, 2010 at 2:52 pm


    You should have used your best Joe Friday voice Wyatt
    and intoned: “Why yes Mam. Even more shocking, the
    car theft division handles car thefts.”

  10. Robert Says:
    July 15th, 2010 at 6:19 pm

    You know I miss the Detective/PD stories I used to read around the net by great LEO’s such as yourself. Sometimes we need to take a break from the idiocy in DC and read about the idiocy you guys deal with…

    Repent? in Philly? Man, that’s not gonna do much good, Like LA, Chicago and NY; too much work for the good lord to weed through the good to get to the bad…You may hear “Sorry about that” when ya get to the gates.

  11. JCM Says:
    July 15th, 2010 at 6:39 pm

    Back in the days before 911 many Fire Departments handled their own dispatching.

    My department had a number that the prefix was one digit different from the local Macy’s.


    Fire Department Emergency, what is your emergency?

    *pause on the other end*
    Is this Macy’s?

    No, ma’am this the Fire Dept. Emergency line, do you have an emergency?

    Ahh, no but could you connect me with appliances?

    No ma’am you’ll have to call Macy’s


    Happened at least once a day.