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True Detective Stories

By Wyatt Earp | December 6, 2009

detective-shield1I realize that every time I post one of these stories it involves an idiotic phone call. I also realize that at least one person tells me to stop answering the division phone after reading said story. Luckily for you, and unluckily for me, I never learn.

I was working the front desk last night when the call came in. It was trouble from the start.

Me: “Detective Division, may I help you?”
Caller: “Is this the District?”

Me: “No, this is the detective division. May I help you?”
Caller: “Yeah, you took my car and I want it back.”

Me: “I can assure you, sir, that I did not take your car. Do you mean the police impounded your car?”
Caller: “Yeah, you did.”

(At this point, I reserved myself to the fact that I was going to suffer a brain aneurysm. Why fight it? I was ready to ride the bloody wave.)

Me: “Sir, what can I do for you tonight?”
Caller: “I need to get my car back. A friend borrowed it, and the Narcotics Unit impounded it, saying it was full of drugs.”

Me: “So,your friend took your car, loaded it up with drugs and got caught, is that what you want me to believe?”
Caller: “Yeah. And I need my car back.”

Me: “Well, the first thing you need to do is call the right place. You’re calling the detectives for a job being handled by the Narcotics Unit. So . . . who do you think you need to speak to?”
Caller: “I guess the Narcotics Unit. Do you have their number?”
Me: “Yes, it’s 215-685-1107.”

(Ready? Here’s the clincher.)

Caller: “Okay. When are they open?”

And that’s when the blood came. I so wanted to tell this yutz that police departments never close, but I didn’t have the patience. Instead, I told him to call the number and ask the officer who answers the phone what their hours are. Might as well let some other officer have as much fun as I did, right?

Topics: True Detective Stories | 11 Comments »

11 Responses to “True Detective Stories”

  1. Jeffro Says:
    December 6th, 2009 at 9:10 pm

    Spread the love, I always say.

  2. Rick Says:
    December 6th, 2009 at 10:02 pm

    How much Guinnes does it take to keep you sane?

  3. RT Says:
    December 6th, 2009 at 10:23 pm

    I have a feeling that lots of zombies are dead.

  4. CaptainAmerica Says:
    December 6th, 2009 at 10:46 pm

    That’s why I have people to answer the phones. It really does no good though. The result is always “Hey Cap, FIRE PHONE!”. Ugh…

  5. GroovyVic Says:
    December 7th, 2009 at 5:26 am

    Oh dear….

  6. Eric Says:
    December 7th, 2009 at 9:44 am

    I am convinced that your operation last week was really a cover-up for when your brain actually DID explode and broke through the skin.

  7. metoo Says:
    December 7th, 2009 at 12:11 pm

    I would have hung up the phone and hollared “Captain, my Captain” and gotten the rum out of my bottom drawer. The ending to a less than perfect day.

  8. Wyatt Earp Says:
    December 7th, 2009 at 12:37 pm

    Jeffro – Why should I be the only one with the embolism?

    Rick – About a case a week.

    RT – Was DragonLady involved?

    Captain – Membership has its privileges.

    GroovyVic – I’d publish these stories, but no one would believe they were true.

    Eric – The result of one too many phone calls, obviously.

    MeToo – Not a lot of Walt Whitman quotes flying around the office. :)

  9. John D Says:
    December 7th, 2009 at 1:22 pm

    “I so wanted to tell this yutz that police departments never close…”

    Except for the Narcotics Unit, which closes for an hour each day to play smashup derby in the parking lot using the cars they’ve impounded. Or so I’ve heard.

  10. Wyatt Earp Says:
    December 7th, 2009 at 1:43 pm

    John D – It’s awesome! Um, I mean, what are you talking about?

  11. dragonlady474 Says:
    December 7th, 2009 at 1:49 pm

    ROFL@ John D’s answer!!!
    ahem…See, these kinds of things are exactly why I don’t like working with the general public. It can give you can ulcer.