Recent Posts

Recent Comments


Cop Land

« Japan’s First Lady Took A UFO Ride? | Main | Because SYLG Isn’t Lowbrow Enough »

Still More Tales Of Idiocy

By Wyatt Earp | September 3, 2009

ppd-patch1Ya know, I really hate to badmouth police officers; especially the ones in my division. I never wanted to be “that guy.”

Unfortunately for me – and fortunately for you – some officers make stupid their primary occupation and crime fighting their “hobby.” Here are the gruesome details:

So this officer (let’s call him Barney Fife) was on patrol yesterday when he pulled a car over. Officer Fife, who has about a year on the job, walks up to the driver and notices that it is his co-worker. The off-duty officer works in both his district and his squad. Nonplussed, Barney Fife asks the off-duty officer for her license and registration.


The off-duty officer replies, “Fife. You know me. You know, from the district!”

But Barney was too busy “conducting a proper police investigation” to listen to the driver’s statement. Shaking her head, the off-duty officer gave barney her driver’s license and registration. Fife took the items, told his co-worker to stay in her vehicle as he went back to his patrol car.


Fife then asked police radio to run the off-duty officer through NCIC and PCIC for wants and driver’s license status.


Almost immediately after Fife put the officer’s information “in the box,” his co-workers started banging their heads on their steering wheels and veering off the road. Apparently, everyone knew who she was except Fife. Fife, though, probably knew but didn’t care. He’s a douchebag like that.

Strangely enough, the officer came back with no warrants – Go figure – and Fife returned the paperwork to his co-worker and told her to have a nice day. Incensed, the co-worker drove to the district and asked Fife’s supervisor if he was really that stupid and ignorant, or if Ashton Kutcher was “punking” her.

Sadly, the supervisor said, Fife is that stupid and ignorant. The off-duty officer never made a scene – although in my opinion, she had every right to do so – but the supervisor knew a powder keg when he sees one. He ordered Fife to take headquarters immediately and allegedly dressed him down for quite some time.

Now, the of-duty is a nice enough person, and everyone in my detective division likes her. On the other hand, most of us have had at least one run-in with Officer Fife, and to a man, he is universally hated. Whatever favors he may have received before left the building the second he ran that off-duty through NCIC.

I swear that the police commissioner hires these idiots just to make the rest of our lives completely and utterly miserable.

Topics: The Job | 14 Comments »

14 Responses to “Still More Tales Of Idiocy”

  1. RT Says:
    September 3rd, 2009 at 9:21 pm

    Uh…I have no words. Ummm…

  2. John D Says:
    September 3rd, 2009 at 9:41 pm

    Fife sounds like the kind of guy who flunked “Lunch” in high school.

  3. Alan Warner Says:
    September 3rd, 2009 at 9:43 pm

    Your Captain, Chief, Commish needs to allow some serious Darwin operations into play before the sane part of your entire department is totaly fuc–d! Good luck with that.
    If all else fails, brass knuckles and a back alley is the way to go. Capping knees works. — I’m just suggesting…. how bout a bridge with a weak guard rail?
    Be creative, ya’ll be fine. Any division softball league?

    I could call up some really old Chicago Outlaw buds if they are still breathing.

    Old Eyes

  4. Wes S. Says:
    September 3rd, 2009 at 10:24 pm

    Two words: Blanket party.


  5. Insolublog Says:
    September 3rd, 2009 at 10:28 pm

    Somebody should inform BF, that he should not travel to NYC without a special permit. His brain would violate the local ordinance for trans-fat content.

  6. Mrs. Crankipants Says:
    September 3rd, 2009 at 10:33 pm


  7. Buck Says:
    September 4th, 2009 at 1:44 am

    What ever happened to the “Cops Writing Cops” website? It was full of stories like that… Ugh.

  8. Jason Says:
    September 4th, 2009 at 9:39 am

    I saw a PPD officer yesterday at a local eatery in Northeast. Uniform pants, gun belt, cuffs, gun, etc with a goof ball tshirt.

    WTF? I’ve pretty much seen the same thing from time to time at Wal-Mart. Is there a uniform reg or standard? I think it’s a little goofy looking to have people running around with half a uniform on.

  9. MeToo Says:
    September 4th, 2009 at 10:19 am

    I agree with the off duty…Where’s Kutcher cuz this better be “punk’d”! Guy is lucky he wasn’t handed his family jewels on a plate.

  10. joated Says:
    September 4th, 2009 at 10:32 am

    There is a silver lining. Fife makes the rest of you look oh so much better!

  11. dragonlady474 Says:
    September 4th, 2009 at 6:46 pm

    I would have been kind of amusing had the off-duty officer called in an attempted hijacking by someone dressed like a cop. LOL

  12. Wyatt Earp Says:
    September 4th, 2009 at 9:55 pm

    RT – Insane, ain’t it?

    John D – Stupid is as stupid does.

    Alan – Trust me, this guy will be the commissioner someday.

    Wes S. – Probably useless on this guy’s empty head.

    Insolublog – And he would be the first one to throw a fit if someone pulled him over.

    Mrs. Crankipants – You are far too lenient.

    Buck – My former partner’s husband was like that. Total tool.

    Jason – I always hated that. If you’re taking of the shirt, take off the rest.

    Me Too – That would have been a blast.

    Joated – True enough.

    DL474 – And he was brutally beaten by the responding officers. Heh.

  13. USAdmiral Says:
    September 5th, 2009 at 8:33 am

    It makes you wonder about some people.

  14. Snigs Says:
    September 5th, 2009 at 11:39 am

    Thinking about what Jason asked- one of the husband’s coworkers got a demotion for appearing in Wal-Mart with the uniform pants on, shirt unbuttoned (t-shirt underneath shining) and wearing flip flops. From Sgt to CO2, taking a pretty good pay cut. Go anywhere in that uniform and you better have it all on- correctly.

    We’ve got a cop like that here. I call him Horatio Caine- sunglasses, red haired, scrawny. He stopped the mayor for not turning on a signal when he was turning around in a cul-de-sac and demanded his license, etc… The mayor is a jerk, but still.