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The Missing Ink

By Wyatt Earp | August 24, 2009

Rollling Stones Tattoo You

Since I covered muffin tops during yesterday’s lecture, it is only logical that I cover the muffin top’s brother-in-disturbing-arms; the tattoo.

Now, I’m a bit of a traditionalist when it comes to tattoos. I think they should be confined to arms and the occasional lower back for the ladies. Some people can get away with them on other spots, but – like a bikini – you really should be in fighting shape if you are going to get one. It’s always a good idea to be able to see your tattoo, and not have it be obstructed by your flab rolls. Few women consider what a belly tattoo will look like when they are a grandmother.

Most folks who spent last week in Sea Isle City, New Jersey did not heed any of this advice. It’s a shame, because millions of retinas could have been spared horrifying permanent damage. To wit:

Back Tattoo Guy. This guy was at Wednesday’s Atlantic City Air Show. He was about 5’8″, 230 pounds, balding, and flabbier than one of Helen Thomas’ thighs. Undeterred by his questionable attractiveness, he made the bold (read: unwise) decision to get a tattoo – over his entire back. And it wasn’t a good tattoo. It was a montage of smaller tattoos that really didn’t have anything to do with each other. It was like the needle vomited ink all over this guy’s hairy canvas. Classay!

Back Tattoo Guy’s Baby Mama. Now this broad was a piece of work. She was pretty (nice face, blond hair, decent top side) but had a belly that stuck out more than Karl Malden’s nose. So, what did she do about that? She decided to draw even more attention to her bikini overhang by getting a rather large tattoo on her upper left thigh. Ladies, what the frak is the point of this? Do you really think this is an attractive look? I spent the day watching little kids try to swat the horseshoe crab off this mental defective’s leg. Ridiculous.

Bulls-eye Girl. A lot of guys I know really like the “bulls-eye” tattoo: a tattoo on a woman’s lower back. Me? I can take it or leave it, as long as the woman is attractive. Unfortunately for me, last week’s Bulls-eye Girl was a woman in her 40′s. She was wearing a bikini, with extended belly in full display, and her bulls-eye tattoo was about twelve inches long. So much for modesty. Like yesterday’s muffin top girl, this woman would be attractive if she wore a one-piece or a tankini. As it stood, she received a lot of looks from yours truly, but not in a good way.

Hopefully, this post scared a few people straight. If it saves just one back or one upper thigh – not to mention thousands of pairs of eyes – it would all be worth it.

Topics: Snarkasm | 13 Comments »

13 Responses to “The Missing Ink”

  1. RT Says:
    August 24th, 2009 at 12:33 pm

    Clinton and Stacy would be proud! :)

    I love tattoos, but the ones that I hate are the cutesy ones on the ankle, shoulder blade, and neck.

  2. Wyatt Earp Says:
    August 24th, 2009 at 12:38 pm

    RT – I think most should be covered in everyday situations. The ones on the neck and forearm are a little white trash if you ask me.

  3. Jon Brooks Says:
    August 24th, 2009 at 12:58 pm

    Any pictures of a tattooed muffin top with cankles?
    Now thats a triumvirate.

  4. MeToo Says:
    August 24th, 2009 at 1:59 pm

    Just not a fan of the body art. I did laugh uncontrollably when my brother heard his daughter’s tattoo on her lower back referred to as a “tramp stamp”, however. Wonder if he knows she also has her tongue pierced? Christmas holidays should be fun!

  5. Ingineer66 Says:
    August 24th, 2009 at 2:18 pm

    I had a girlfriend once that had a tattoo of a sea shell on her thigh. When you put your ear up to it, you could smell the ocean.

  6. Rides A Pale Horse Says:
    August 24th, 2009 at 10:13 pm

    As an old school member of the biker subculture, I had an interesting comment from a black friend of mine. He said he was (jokingly) “offended” by the term “colored” being applied to him. He said:

    “I’m just black……Y’ALL are colored.”

  7. Rides A Pale Horse Says:
    August 24th, 2009 at 10:21 pm

    Oh! And here’s a little public service message for those ladies that have “outgrown” their “tramp stamp”.¤t=tat.flv

  8. CaptainAmerica Says:
    August 24th, 2009 at 10:57 pm

    Ladies have to be super careful before getting ink. After all it’s tough to improve on the greatest work of art. Tramp stamps get weaker with age. Thigh tats are out as are bicep (unless you’re going all the way) A sexy little ankle tat or a slinky little shoulder flower is usually way cool and plenty.

  9. Crazy Politico Says:
    August 24th, 2009 at 11:13 pm

    my cousin found out the hard way that after the kid her rose tatoo wilted.

    Best tatoo ever was on a sailor I knew. He had “Your Wife’s Name” on his johnson, and would bet folks $20 (or a beer if he was broke) that he had “your wife’s name” there.

    I just could never get drunk enough to get one anywhere, much less THERE.

  10. Wyatt Earp Says:
    August 25th, 2009 at 12:08 am

    Jon – Sadly, no such luck.

    MeToo – Tongue piercing. I don’t get that, either.

    Ingineer66 – Ba-dump-bump!

    RAPH – Some more than others, apparently.

    Captain – Lesson of the day: Don’t overdo it.

    CP – I almost got one in college. My lacrosse team got two crossed lax sticks with the words SJU Hawks Lacrosse above and our number below. I chickened out. My parents would have disowned me.

  11. Mrs. Crankipants Says:
    August 25th, 2009 at 7:45 am

    I’m of the opinion that only sailors should have tattoos. Specifically, the hula girl that can dance when they flex their arm.

    When my niece came home with a shamrock on her stomach, my sister-in-law said, “When you’re pregnant, it’s going to look like broccoli, and when you’re old, asparagus.”

    Mr C and I saw a woman in her mid-sixties covered with tattoos at an outdoor festival. She appeared to be a former biker chick back in the day, but now she looked like she was rode hard and put away wet. Her tattoos didn’t fare much better. We thought there should be a poster of her on the front door of every tattoo parlor, food for thought.

    Recently, I’ve seen the Morton Salt girl tattooed on a girl’s ample calf, City Hall with William Penn flipping the bird on a guy’s arm, and a gigantic Spiderman black spider on a guy’s back at the pool. If you weren’t familiar with the comic, you would think it was a large tick. The human body is not a sketch pad.

    Finally, if you go to Google images, and type in “man with a cat tattoo on his stomach” you will understand why I despise tattoos.

  12. Crazy Politico Says:
    August 25th, 2009 at 11:29 pm

    Mrs. C, thanks, a lot, for pointing out that google link. I’ll never look at my cat, or my stomach the same way again.

  13. Mrs. Crankipants Says:
    August 26th, 2009 at 4:19 am

    My pleasure!