By Wyatt Earp | August 24, 2009
Since I covered muffin tops during yesterday’s lecture, it is only logical that I cover the muffin top’s brother-in-disturbing-arms; the tattoo.
Now, I’m a bit of a traditionalist when it comes to tattoos. I think they should be confined to arms and the occasional lower back for the ladies. Some people can get away with them on other spots, but – like a bikini – you really should be in fighting shape if you are going to get one. It’s always a good idea to be able to see your tattoo, and not have it be obstructed by your flab rolls. Few women consider what a belly tattoo will look like when they are a grandmother.
Most folks who spent last week in Sea Isle City, New Jersey did not heed any of this advice. It’s a shame, because millions of retinas could have been spared horrifying permanent damage. To wit:
Back Tattoo Guy. This guy was at Wednesday’s Atlantic City Air Show. He was about 5’8″, 230 pounds, balding, and flabbier than one of Helen Thomas’ thighs. Undeterred by his questionable attractiveness, he made the bold (read: unwise) decision to get a tattoo – over his entire back. And it wasn’t a good tattoo. It was a montage of smaller tattoos that really didn’t have anything to do with each other. It was like the needle vomited ink all over this guy’s hairy canvas. Classay!
Back Tattoo Guy’s Baby Mama. Now this broad was a piece of work. She was pretty (nice face, blond hair, decent top side) but had a belly that stuck out more than Karl Malden’s nose. So, what did she do about that? She decided to draw even more attention to her bikini overhang by getting a rather large tattoo on her upper left thigh. Ladies, what the frak is the point of this? Do you really think this is an attractive look? I spent the day watching little kids try to swat the horseshoe crab off this mental defective’s leg. Ridiculous.
Bulls-eye Girl. A lot of guys I know really like the “bulls-eye” tattoo: a tattoo on a woman’s lower back. Me? I can take it or leave it, as long as the woman is attractive. Unfortunately for me, last week’s Bulls-eye Girl was a woman in her 40′s. She was wearing a bikini, with extended belly in full display, and her bulls-eye tattoo was about twelve inches long. So much for modesty. Like yesterday’s muffin top girl, this woman would be attractive if she wore a one-piece or a tankini. As it stood, she received a lot of looks from yours truly, but not in a good way.
Hopefully, this post scared a few people straight. If it saves just one back or one upper thigh – not to mention thousands of pairs of eyes – it would all be worth it.