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True Detective Stories

By Wyatt Earp | July 8, 2009

Simpsons Cops

When most people think of police officers, they think about everyday heroes risking life and limb to bring criminals to justice. That is usually the picture that television dramas paint, and for the most part, it is accurate.

Of course, there are exceptions. Consider this little scenario, which occurred last night in our division. As always, the following story is absolutely true.

An officer calls the division and tells us that he has an arrest for retail theft. Not content to just bring up the job, he has to explain every little detail of this commendation-worthy pinch. Apparently, six juveniles enter a food store and start grabbing items and fleeing the scene on foot. A security guard – you should have seen this chick – pursues the vicious offenders on foot and flags down police. The officer stops the six juveniles and calls for backup.

Backup officers arrive – seven of them, in fact – and corral the little thieving bastards. The security guard identifies each male, as well as the items they stole. These were “big ticket” items like sodas, chips, and ice cream bars. The total amount of merchandise taken was $15. The offenders are arrested and brought to the division for processing. Six juvenile offenders, arrested by seven police officers (and a security guard) for $15 worth of food. Yeah, the crime of the century.

So, here’s the best part of the story. Are you paying attention? Here is what the arresting officer asks:

“Do you want us to hold the ice cream for evidence? We already put into an evidence bag.”

Um, yeah jackass, put the ice cream bar on a property receipt and see if it’ll keep until the preliminary hearing. It’s only 85 degrees outside!

Pity me, for I am a Philadelphia police detective.

Topics: The Job | 8 Comments »

8 Responses to “True Detective Stories”

  1. Kim Says:
    July 8th, 2009 at 8:34 pm

    I thought that you had a freezer for “Cold Case Files” such as this.

  2. Morgan Says:
    July 8th, 2009 at 10:05 pm

    You’ve got my sympathy, Wyatt. Sounds like an episode for Barney Miller alright.

  3. George Says:
    July 8th, 2009 at 10:14 pm

    I am surprised that the kids did not eat the evidence!! Wow 7 officers !! I thought you only get that response for a assist officer!! G

  4. Loaded Dice in Vegas Says:
    July 9th, 2009 at 12:05 am

    When Chicago was on a point system ,many years ago I was in the office when the beat guys brought in a 17 and 16 year old for retail theft. The security guard (off duty PO) detained them for eating a grape (1 each) in the produce section of a Dominick’s (Safeway Store). The 17 year old in Ill is an adult so he went to the lockup. I got stuck with the 16 year old because I was a Youth Officer (Dick who only handled kids). Didn’t have 7 beat guys but the W/C, Desk Sgt., Property Crime Dick, 2 lockup keepers, 2 beat POs and me the Y.O.. We had some real winners. It’s good to see that things are not much different 25 + years later and in another city.

  5. MeToo Says:
    July 9th, 2009 at 10:00 am

    “bad boys, bad boys..whatcha gonna do….” An episode right out of Cops. Next week they will probably heist a car, unfortunately. With 7 officers they are probably thinking they are hard core criminals to warrant that show of force.

  6. Deanna Says:
    July 9th, 2009 at 11:10 am

    So how many officers show up in a real crime in progress?

  7. Wyatt Earp Says:
    July 9th, 2009 at 1:17 pm

    Kim – They don’t get any colder.

    Morgan – It is the show that most closely resembles Philadelphia detective work.

    George – Sometimes we don’t get 7 officers to an assist. Seriously.

    LDIV – The sad part is that all of these officers think they are going to court for the case. In these terrible financial times, OT is being cut all over. Only one cop will get a court notice.

    MeToo – I’m surprised they didn’t call the SWAT team.

    Deanna – You would think at least twice that number. Depending upon the crime, you will get at least two officers, and at most, the entire district.

  8. Smite A. Hippie Says:
    July 10th, 2009 at 12:06 am

    ahh geez… kidnapping of ice cream… and by the they were caught… it melted. …is that dairy homicide then? felons!