Recent Posts

Recent Comments


Cop Land

« Previously On Prison Break | Main | Joe Biden And His Amazing Flapping Gums »

True Detective Stories

By Wyatt Earp | May 17, 2009

ppd-patch1The following anecdote is absolutely true. (Yes, I used the word “anecdote.”) I wish I had the talent and the imagination to make this crap up, but I simply don’t have it in me.

Last night, we were running our arses off in the division. In the first two hours of our tour, we handled three shootings. Yeah, that’s right: Three, and one of them involved a child. Suffice to say, we were very busy.

Now, with all of this commotion going on, you would think that this caller would have heard the endless media reports of the local violence - or at least the story about the child. Whether this knucklehead did or did not is unknown, but what I do know is that the person who called our division late last night really has to get her priorities in order.

This story was related to me by my co-worker, whom I will call Detective Jones.

Detective Jones: “Detective Division, may I help you?”
Female Caller: “Yes, is it illegal for ice cream trucks to be out at this hour?”

(I swear to God this is what the woman asked.)

Detective Jones: “Uh . . . excuse me?
Female Caller: “I said, is it illegal for ice cream trucks to be out at this hour?”

Detective Jones: “Hold on, please.” (To us) “Guys, you won’t believe what this woman just asked me!”

Detective Jones: “As far as I know, ma’am, it is not illegal for an ice cream truck to be out at this hour.”
Female Caller: “Well, can they have the music playing?”

Detective Jones: (Staring at the receiver.) “There is a noise ordinance in the city, ma’am, but I am not sure if it applies to ice cream trucks.”
Female Caller: “Okay, thank you.” (Hangs up.)

We really do not get paid enough.

Topics: The Job |

18 Responses to “True Detective Stories”

  1. Old NFO Says:
    May 17th, 2009 at 8:04 pm

    Ah…er… :-) idjits…

  2. kvegas911 Says:
    May 17th, 2009 at 8:21 pm

    and they called CID to boot….LMAO!!!!

  3. Easily Lost Says:
    May 17th, 2009 at 8:51 pm

    TY Wyatt I definitely needed that laugh.

  4. Rides A Pale Horse Says:
    May 17th, 2009 at 8:51 pm

    Detective Jones:
    Send them over here ma’am, we’ll handle this in the appropriate manner.

    Detective Jones: (on intercom)
    Hey guys…..get your wallets out… cream truck is on it’s way!!

  5. John D Says:
    May 17th, 2009 at 8:52 pm

    Hey, once you let those ice cream trucks run the streets at all hours of the night, it’s a sure sign your town’s going to hell in a handbasket.

  6. RT Says:
    May 17th, 2009 at 10:48 pm

    How do the ice cream trucks not get shot up? That’s what I’m wondering.

    Hey, you got some comic relief (at a bad time) and she said, “Thank you.” I thought those words were deleted from the vocabulary from folks these days. :)

  7. CaptainAmerica Says:
    May 17th, 2009 at 10:54 pm

    Well if there ain’t a law there ought to be one and someone better damn well enforce it!

    Next we will get complanits that you can’t get yo cream in da hood…

  8. dorkelina Says:
    May 18th, 2009 at 1:48 am

    I dunno. Something about an ice cream truck driving around playing its jingle in the middle of the night is a little suspicious. What kind of ice cream do they sell at night? Crack-Cones? Hookerpops?

  9. Mrs. Crankipants Says:
    May 18th, 2009 at 6:32 am

    She’s bothered by the Mr. Softee jingle, but not by law abiding citizens with the three foot high speakers in their cars, whose music makes your house vibrate. At least the ice cream truck provides a service.

  10. Alan B Says:
    May 18th, 2009 at 6:33 am

    We have noise legislation over here - noisy neighbours, car horns etc. Usually late at night.

    So when do the noise abatement people work? The normal working day, of course, clocking off at 5 p.m. or thereabouts …

  11. Doghouse Says:
    May 18th, 2009 at 9:42 am

    It’s only illegal if they’re out of Fudgesicles.

  12. proof Says:
    May 18th, 2009 at 11:16 am

    First they came for the ice cream trucks, but I did not drive an ice cream truck, so I did nothing…

  13. Wyatt Earp Says:
    May 18th, 2009 at 1:24 pm

    Old NFO - And in my division, we’re outnumbered by them.

    Kvegas911 - I figured they would start with 911 . . .

    E.L. - It’s funny, but not “Ha, ha” funny. Okay, it is funny, but idiotic at the same time.

    RAPH - Ooh, I want a Cannonball!

    John D - Next thing you know, the carnys will take over the street corners!

    RT - They don’t get shot up because the ones in my division take welfare cards.

    Captain America - “Hello, 911? How come we can’t get any hot dog stands here?”

    Dorkelina - Hookerpops. Ha! They taste like cod.

    Mrs. Crankipants - And then, the calls are forwarded to us. Nice, huh?

    Doghouse - Fudgesicles? RACIST!!! :)

    Proof - A new film by Steven Spielberg . . .

  14. Raptor Says:
    May 18th, 2009 at 3:57 pm

    Wyatt, you should write a book. A collection of all your outrageous “detective stories.” Just change the names. You’d make a fortune!

  15. Kate Says:
    May 18th, 2009 at 7:54 pm

    You just made my day! LMAO

    On second though….this woman probably votes. YIKES!

  16. USA_Admiral Says:
    May 18th, 2009 at 8:30 pm

    You how some girls are about beauty sleep.

  17. Bitter American Says:
    May 18th, 2009 at 9:33 pm

    Musical ice cream trucks annoy people in North Philly, but having 96.5, Power 99, LoudRAP 100.3, etc on in your hooptie loud enough to be heard in Istanbul is OK? WTF?

  18. Wyatt Earp Says:
    May 21st, 2009 at 1:04 am

    Raptor - Yeah, like anyone would read a book I wrote.

    Kate - Philadelphia: 60+ years of uninterrupted rule.

    Admiral - My guess? That broad needs a lot!

    B.A. - But rap is art! /snark