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A Public Service Announcement

By Wyatt Earp | May 14, 2009

muffintopSo, yesterday morning the family and I – sans Kyle, because he was at school – went on Erik’s field trip to the Philadelphia Zoo. For some reason, the pre-K teachers thought it would be nice if they took the kids’ graduation pictures there. Yes, it is a 45-minute drive during rush hour, but if there is one thing this city does right, it’s the zoo. Count me in.

We arrived earlier than the bus – there was no way we were taking two infants on a bus trip – and waited for the class outside the entrance. It was a warm day, so people were dressed for the weather.

Unfortunately, far too many people were inappropriately dressed for the weather. And here is where the PSA comes in . . .

Dear citizens of Earth, it has come to my attention that many of you do not look in the mirror either before or after you dress yourselves. The problem arises when you leave the privacy of your own home and expose yourselves – figuratively and literally – to the public at large. Your gross disfigurement is offensive to us all, and I believe you need some guidelines for proper clothing etiquette. For example:

Please dress according to your weight. When I was a big, fat slob, I dressed in loose fitting shirts and pants. Even after losing 40 pounds, I still dress according to my corresponding size. I certainly would not wear a “Small” or “Medium” shirt when I was 236 pounds. Hell, I don’t wear that size now at 200 pounds! That being said, I saw more than my share of obese men and women – mostly women – wearing spandex shorts and tiny tank tops. Ladies, the “sausage look” is not a good look for anyone, and people only want to see that many rolls in a bakery.

Please dress according to your skin. Maybe it’s just me, but it makes my skin crawl when a woman decides to show the world her most intimate of tattooed areas. I saw more breast tattoos in ten minutes than I care to see for the rest of my life. Similarly, if you are a woman and have, oh, 75 tattoos, it is not necessary to show them all. Good Lord, there was one woman who was wearing a short-sleeved, scooped top, short shorts, and sandals. Personally, I think I saw 72 of her 75 tattoos. Thanks for that, babe.

Please dress according to current fashion trends. Obviously, everyone is not going to be wearing the newest Vera Wang clothing line. (Heh, heh, “Wang.) That doesn’t mean that you should be wearing a tie-dyed t-shirt and hippie sandals. It is 2009, kids; the hippies are long gone. Feel free to wear that ensemble again when I break out my pastel sport jacket and parachute pants. Thanks much.

Other than that, the trip to the zoo was top-notch.

Topics: Snarkasm |

14 Responses to “A Public Service Announcement”

  1. RT Says:
    May 14th, 2009 at 3:17 am

    I try really hard to not be too offensive when I go out. It never ceases to befuddle me when I see women/girls wearing clothing that is just ill fitting. Some are in denial about which stores they should be visiting for their clothing purchases. The rest just have no sense.

  2. Diller Says:
    May 14th, 2009 at 3:57 am

    Wyatt, you don’t have to take a trip to the zoo,here in sunny Flori-duh, everyday is a fashion side-show,in malls, restaurants,groceries,banks,etc. Since the world views Fl. as a tourist destination ,all forms of dress and un-dress,seems to be the norm. Your right,I don’t think a mirror figures into their dress scheme. Always enjoy lunch,settin next to a good ol boy,with 38 d-cups,in a wife beater T-shirt,with hair hangin out from under his arms,and a Rebel skull tattoo, accompanied by a hefty young lady,whose ample ass ate a pair of terry cloth shorts earlier in the day,at least its sorta a diet plan,lost my appetite.

  3. Mrs. Crankipants Says:
    May 14th, 2009 at 9:05 am

    One of the reasons I am not a big fan of summer: women who are the size of Aretha Franklin wearing a sun dress with spaghetti straps, sans a brassiere, with breasts the size of watermelons pointing due south. Do these people not have a mirror in their homes?

    And as illustrated in your photo, the muffin-top. From Wikipedia-”Muffin-top” is a generally pejorative slang term used to describe the phenomenon of overhanging flesh when it spills over the waistline of pants or skirt in a manner that resembles the top of a muffin spilling over its paper casing. This generally occurs when an obese or overweight person wears low-rise, hip-hugger pants, or midriff-baring tops that are too small.”

    When you are 5′2″ and weigh 208 pounds, I really don’t think the general population cares that you’re wearing a zebra striped thong under your low rise, Lane Bryant jeans.

    And it’s not just the ladies, the summer brings out plenty of men with enormous guts and man boobs, strutting around town shirtless, acting like they’re Brad Pitt in “Thelma & Louise”. Ladies & Gentlemen- it’s time to cover it up!

    Anyway, glad you had fun at the zoo.

  4. MUD Says:
    May 14th, 2009 at 9:51 am

    One time I was flying back from Vegas. The lady (female at least) sitting in the seat next to me was returning from a Tatoo convention. She proceeded to show me amost all of her tatoos. It went pretty good until she stood up and showed me the tatoo on her butt. There just are some things that should remain private. If you want to see strange prople dressed in strange clothes, go to Wal*Mart (the 24 hour kind) after midnight. There are people that come to the store dressed (or undressed) to curb their munchies need. Stoners don’t know where their mirror is let alone use them. MUD

  5. Doghouse Says:
    May 14th, 2009 at 10:06 am

    I still want a law that says they won’t make certain items of clothing (like thongs) above a certain size.

  6. Lergnom Says:
    May 14th, 2009 at 11:06 am

    Late one Friday night, I stopped at a WaWa down on Delaware ave. for a quart of milk. It was late enough that some of the overflow club traffic was there. One gal was in thre wearing stretch pants with diamond shaped cutouts along the sides.
    At least, they would have been diamond shaped a hundred pounds ago. As it was, the fabric was tight enough to squeeze flesh through the now almost square holes.
    Maybe not the worst I’ve ever seen, but one that stays with me whenever this discussion comes up.

  7. Smite A. Hippies Says:
    May 14th, 2009 at 11:13 am

    “muffin tops” :)

  8. Alan B Says:
    May 14th, 2009 at 2:29 pm

    To Wyatt and the previous commenters:

    Come on guys - I’ve just lost a superb portion of fish and chips all over my keyboard - who is going to help me clean up??

  9. Wyatt Earp Says:
    May 14th, 2009 at 4:36 pm

    RT - I am the same way. My legs are fine, so shorts aren’t an issue, but if a shirt looks too tight, I don’t wear it out. At home, of course, I walk around nude.

    Diller - The last time I went to DisneyWorld, I was about 230 pounds. No tank tops made the trip, even if I sweated to death in short sleeves. I didn’t want to be “that guy.”

    Mrs. Crankipants - My division is chock full of women like that. They wear spandex and their rolls make them look like Snausages.

    MUD - You don’t have to tell me. I worked the “Last Out” (12am - 8am) shift for my first 11 years on the job.

    Doghouse - Seconded!

    Lergnom - The diamonds turned oval!!! Heh.

    Smite - Top o’ the muffin . . . to you!

    Alan B - Um, sorry about that, sir.

  10. JumpOut Says:
    May 14th, 2009 at 5:47 pm

    You forgot one. It should go under the “appropriate for skin” heading. Do not, I repeat DO NOT, wear any clothing that will reveal one’s Kate Gosselin stretch marks! Ever!

    It should be noted that all SYLG readers are lucky that was the best (read=worst) photo of stretch marks I could find on short notice.

  11. RT Says:
    May 14th, 2009 at 7:17 pm

    I saw THIS and thought of you. No need to thank me. :)

  12. USA_Admiral Says:
    May 14th, 2009 at 9:25 pm

    Dang RT.

    The Zoo is a scary place where idiots begin to herd.

  13. Moe Says:
    May 14th, 2009 at 10:19 pm

    The girl in your picture - Up here, we call that a muffin.

  14. dorkelina Says:
    May 15th, 2009 at 1:48 am

    It’s not just a weight thing- I am 105 pounds and wear a size 2 and I wouldn’t be caught dead showing my stretch marked belly off, or wearing pants that squeeze my hips into the ol’ muffin-top. I’d feel stupid and unattractive. I was happy to recently find “curvy cut” jeans that actually keep one’s ass covered while sitting, so it isn’t like people can’t find clothes that are body size/shape appropriate because of current trends in low-rise pants.