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True Detective Stories

By Wyatt Earp | March 26, 2009

patchGod bless the stupid people of Philadelphia. For without them, I would currently be unemployed. The following is an actual phone conversation I had with a toad yesterday afternoon. Trust me when I tell you this is completely true, because I am not talented enough to make up comedy this rich.

Wyatt: “Good afternoon, Detective Division, may I help you?”
Toad: “Yeah, I want to know if there is a warrant out for my arrest.”

Wyatt: “Well, we cannot give that information out over the phone, sir.”
Toad: “Why not? My name is (Deleted).”

Wyatt: “Well sir, because I do not know who you are.”
Toad: “I told you, my name is (Deleted).”

Wyatt: “Sir, here is what you need to do. You need to go to any police station or detective division, give them your name, and we will tell you if you are wanted.”
Toad: “I’m not doing that. Then you’ll just arrest me!”

Wyatt: “Ya think, genius?”
Toad: (Hangs up.)

God, I really love my job.

Topics: The Job |

11 Responses to “True Detective Stories”

  1. USA_Admiral Says:
    March 26th, 2009 at 9:19 pm

    A criminal mastermind on the phone. The dumb ones must make your job amusing.

  2. Easily Lost Says:
    March 26th, 2009 at 9:54 pm

    You mean to tell me, you don’t take someone’s word over the phone that they are who they say they are? :O

  3. Petey Says:
    March 26th, 2009 at 10:24 pm

    palm meet forehead.

  4. Old NFO Says:
    March 26th, 2009 at 11:41 pm

    Doh… :-) Good one Wyatt!

  5. bob (either orr) Says:
    March 27th, 2009 at 2:10 am

    And to think that some of these brainless folks are packing heavy heat…
    God bless ya, Wyatt.

  6. Rick Says:
    March 27th, 2009 at 10:04 am

    How do you stay sane?

  7. Deputy Polarbear Says:
    March 27th, 2009 at 12:31 pm


    A buddy of mine once put a handmade sign on the door of his radio car….”Free warrant check, inquire within”….

    He got about 5 hooks in a couple of days….yes, tweakers really ARE that dumb……

  8. The Girl You Don't Bring Home to Momma Says:
    March 27th, 2009 at 12:57 pm

    Perfect !!!!!!

  9. Wyatt Earp Says:
    March 27th, 2009 at 12:58 pm

    Admiral - It more than makes up for the terrible pay.

    E.L. - Yeah, I require two forms of ID when Jessica Biel calls my cell.

    Petey - SLAP!

    Old NFO - 100% true story.

    Bob - These are the ones who think they’ll never get caught, either. Unreal.

    Rick - By answering the phone. The laughter gets me through it.

    Dep. Polarbear - That’s pretty brilliant. I should try that tonight.

    TGYDBHTM - And these people are walking among us, dear.

  10. kvegas911 Says:
    March 27th, 2009 at 3:25 pm

    It would also be nice that if upon requesting police assistance, they would ensure that they were not too high to form a complete sentence.

  11. Alan B Says:
    March 28th, 2009 at 4:20 pm

    Re: Deputy Polarbear

    I seem to remember a scam used by the police in the UK. They wanted to catch a load of criminals who had been evading them so they made it known thast they were prize winners in a compettion and they only had to turn up at a particular place and time to claim their prize.

    A surprising number did turn up and were promptly ferried away to the local cop shop to make room for the next batch. The time to come was staggered to ease the crowding.

    It’s been said they aren’t all locked up but a surprising number were at the end of the day!

    Hey, Deputy. Anyone ever tell you to go with the floe??