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Jessica Simpson’s New Curves

By Wyatt Earp | January 29, 2009

<i>Baby Got Back!</i>

Baby Got Back!

Apparently Ashlee Simpson, Jessica’s train wreck of a sister, wants the media to back off the snark regarding Jess’ new “fuller figure.”

Ashlee Simpson-Wentz has a bone to pick with those who say her sister is looking a bit meatier than usual.

“I am completely disgusted by the headlines concerning my sister’s weight,” Simpson wrote Tuesday on her website. “A week after the inauguration and with such a feeling of hope in the air for our country, I find it completely embarrassing and belittling to all women to read about a woman’s weight or figure as a headline on Fox News.” (H/T - )

Okay, a few thoughts:

1. Every time Ashlee Simpson opens her mouth, she makes Jessica look like a MENSA candidate.

2. Apparently, Jessica chowed down on that “feeling of hope in the air.” Who knew it had so many calories? From the looks of her, it also appears that she chowed down on a few dozen cheeseburgers, as well.

3. The ensemble? Tragic. The double-belt and the high-waisted pants don’t hide the vag-omach, Jessica. There, I said it.

Okay, now before my female readers crucify me and burn me at the stake, let me be clear: I couldn’t care less if Jessica Simpson gained a few pounds. Lord knows I was am a fat frak myself. (Well, less fat.) And to be honest, she is still incredibly pretty. The issue I have is that Simpson lost her fashion sense when she lost her tiny bottom. You’re a celebrity, Jessica. Please purchase some more flattering clothes.

I mean, really. We guys are the ones who have to look at you. And until you rectify this clothing abortion, I will continue to think of you like this:


Topics: Babes |

15 Responses to “Jessica Simpson’s New Curves”

  1. Doghouse Says:
    January 29th, 2009 at 12:03 pm

    I’m still trying to figure out what the inauguration has to do with weight gain.

  2. Alan B Says:
    January 29th, 2009 at 1:09 pm

    Comfort eating?

  3. Bitter American Says:
    January 29th, 2009 at 1:17 pm

    This is coming from Ashlee, who named her first-born “Mowgli Bronx??”

  4. Bloviating Zeppelin Says:
    January 29th, 2009 at 1:27 pm

    Sorry. I’ll take the current iteration of Jessica Simpson ANY day. More to hang onto in these uncertain times.


  5. Alan B Says:
    January 29th, 2009 at 1:31 pm


    I notice that in addition to our Frontier Marshall we also have 8 Guests and 2 Bots.

    What ever it is that the Bots make of Jessica Simpson et al. they keep coming back!

  6. mare Says:
    January 29th, 2009 at 1:32 pm

    If you’ve gained a few pounds, why pick the most unattractive, unflattering, guaranteed to make you look fat outfit. She would look fat in that outfit even if she hadn’t gained weight. Jessica, your gorgeous, don’t look crappy on purpose.

  7. Glenn Cassel AMH1(AW) USN RET Says:
    January 29th, 2009 at 2:00 pm

    OK, I like Jessica’s new rear end. I prefer curves over rail thin starlet, fashion model types. Full figured women also tend to be alot more fun.

  8. Wyatt Earp Says:
    January 29th, 2009 at 5:15 pm

    Doghouse - HopeyChange is high in fructose, I think.

    Alan B - I’d like to make her very confortable.

    B.A. - Yeah, Ashleee is a lost cause. I’m trying to save Jessica.

    BZ - An ample upstairs and a nice downstairs.

    Alan - They’re cylons, bent on world domination.

    Mare - Agreed. She cannot possbily think she looked good in that outfit.

    Glenn - And the backside is almost always accompanied by a lovely set of coconuts. Heh.

  9. Randal Graves Says:
    January 29th, 2009 at 7:10 pm


  10. Mrs. Crankipants Says:
    January 29th, 2009 at 7:37 pm

    Good God, what was she doing wearing “Mom” Jeans?
    I think she’s moo-velous!

  11. Wyatt Earp Says:
    January 29th, 2009 at 8:01 pm

    Randal - To quote the immortal Nelson Muntz: “Fatty fat, fat, fat!”

    Mrs. Crankipants - I guarantee there is some spandex in the waist of those pants.

  12. Deanna Says:
    January 29th, 2009 at 10:40 pm

    Definitely a wardrobe malfunction.

  13. Ky Person Says:
    January 30th, 2009 at 5:57 am

    The outfit is pretty bad, but Jessica looks fine. I live in hope that the tits on stick figure goes the way of the dodo.

  14. Wyatt Earp Says:
    January 30th, 2009 at 6:10 pm

    Deanna - And one that almost makes Janet Jackson’s malfunction bearable. Almost.

    Ky person - Yeah, me too. Bawahahahahaha!!! (I’m going to Hell.)

  15. coffee Says:
    February 4th, 2009 at 2:05 am

    Jessica Simpson is smart… she’s taking over where Kirstie Alley left off and is thus poised to make a ton of money advertising for the weight loss industry