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True Detective Stories

By Wyatt Earp | December 15, 2008

<i>Oh God, shoot me now.</i>

Oh God, shoot me now.

If it was not illegal, I would start taping my phone conversations in work. Why? Because that way, you would know I cannot make this stuff up. The following phone conversation is, unfortunately, absolutely true. Believe it or not.

(Phone rings.)

Me: “Detective Division, Detective Earp speaking, may I help you?”
Caller: “Yes, is this 9-1-1?”

(Stunned silence.)

Me: “Um, excuse me?”
Caller: “Is this 9-1-1-?”

The rest of the conversation is fuzzy because I was suffering a brain aneurysm, but this is what I wanted to say:

Me: “You tell me. This phone number has seven digits. 9-1-1 has three digits. HOW MANY TIMES DID YOUR FINGERS PRESS THE BUTTONS?!!!”

Of course, this is what I actually said:

Me: “No ma’am, this is the detective division. Sorry.”

Topics: True Detective Stories | 10 Comments »

10 Responses to “True Detective Stories”

  1. Moe Says:
    December 15th, 2008 at 1:19 pm

    I can’t tell you how many times I’ve “splattered” my brains over the walls of the office and my car. Sometimes I take other people with me. Good to know I’m not the only one!

  2. kaveman Says:
    December 15th, 2008 at 1:39 pm

    That’s why I could never be a public servent.

    I would have said, “No ma’am, 9-1-1 was several years ago when some desert nut jobs flew airplanes into the World Trade Center Buildings.”

  3. Ky Person Says:
    December 15th, 2008 at 2:16 pm

    Try working in a library. I can’t tell you the number of times I have gotten this question: “Can we check these books out”?

    Umm, that’s what they’re there for?

  4. wagonsux Says:
    December 15th, 2008 at 3:56 pm

    Years ago I worked in the Transit Unit (Subways). One of the phone numbers to the unit was one digit off from a the phone number to the Accident Investigations Unit. We got countless calls like “this is Officer So and So, I have a very minor accident at such and such location, with no injuries”. Of course the phone was answered “TRANSIT UNIT”.

    Just to pass the time, we started telling every cop that called to report a “very minor accident” to hold the scene, we’re enroute. I’ll bet there’s a cop in the 25th still sitting on a broken tail light.

  5. Wyatt Earp Says:
    December 15th, 2008 at 4:19 pm

    Moe – It takes a lot of restraint to not pull people through the window. A lot of restraint.

    Kaveman – Damn, where were you yesterday?

    Ky person – No can do. The Dewey Decimal System gives me fits!

    Wagonsux – That’s awesome! They probably waited all night for you guys to respond!

  6. kaveman Says:
    December 15th, 2008 at 5:41 pm

    Even though I’m not an LEO, I can still have fun listening to the police scanner.

    About three months ago, I overheard a conversation between dispatch and unit XX.

    Dispatch: A women just called in to report a dead deer by the side of the road and was concerned it might run out into traffic.

    Deputy: Is it dead or just wounded?

    Dispatch: Lady said it was dead.

    Deputy: OK, I’m not far from that location and I’ll make sure it’s not actually obstructing the roadway.

    Several minutes later…

    Deputy: Ya, it’s dead all right. The only safety concern were two young boys standing in the bike lane poking it with sticks. I told them to move along. Animal control is on the way for removal.

    I love my scanner.

  7. RT Says:
    December 15th, 2008 at 9:02 pm

    Yeah, but then did she reply with, “I stubbed my toe and need a ride to the hospital”?

  8. Ky Person Says:
    December 16th, 2008 at 4:24 am

    Wyatt, we don’t use Dewey Decimal. We use Library of Congress to classify books. If you think Dewey is confusing, just try LC. They have all the books about Florence Nightingale put in the military science section.

  9. Jon Brooks Says:
    December 16th, 2008 at 8:53 pm

    An hour of Far Cry 2 now and I’m ready to join humanity again.

  10. Wyatt Earp Says:
    December 16th, 2008 at 11:02 pm

    Kaveman – Poking dead things with a stick. The essential boy’s day out.

    RT – I’m sure that was coming.

    KY Person – Well, she did win the Congressional Medal of Honor, right?

    Jon – I’m the same way with Resistance: Fall of Man.