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Dude Swings Like A Lady

By Wyatt Earp | December 23, 2008

lana-lawlessOr vice-versa.

This is golfer “Lana Lawless,” the new Women’s Long-Drive champion. She crushed a drive 254 yards for the win on October 22nd, upsetting perennial favorite Phillis Meti.

Oh yeah, “Lana” used to be a dude. Thought you’d like that.

MESQUITE, Nev. - It has been a bizarre year in golf, highlighted by a player with a broken leg winning the U.S. Open. Hard to believe, but it was the only major championship of the year captured by an American.

At the recent RE/MAX World Long Drive Championship here at Mesquite Regional Park, the year grew even stranger.

The new women’s world champion in the event is a 55-year-old bartender who used to be a man.

I never would have guessed. “She” is really hot. *gag*

For starters, there is her startling honesty. “This is who I am. This is my life,” she said firmly. “That other person, that 245-pound SWAT cop I used to be, he’s gone. He’s not coming back.”

And “she” was a SWAT officer, too? Lovely.

Lawless mostly was a curiosity until the night of Oct. 22, when she upset the competitor widely acclaimed as the longest hitter in women’s golf — 21-year-old Phillis Meti of Auckland, New Zealand.

“I beat her because of the wind,” conceded Lawless, whose longest drive into a 40-mph headwind traveled 254 yards — 4 yards longer than Meti’s best. “She hits it higher than I do, and that wind just knocked her ball out of the sky. If it had been downwind, she would have hit it 500 yards (Meti bombed a 349-yard drive in a qualifying round).”

You beat her because of the wind? Um, the penis probably helped, too.

“I am a woman,” insisted Lawless, who adopted her new name from classic-movie star Lana Turner but declines to discuss her previous name. “I’ve lost muscle mass. I don’t have big guns (biceps). They give you a drug that stops you from producing testosterone. Your muscles atrophy. In about seven months, I went from 245 pounds to 175 pounds. I’ve gained back a little bit, but I feel like I don’t have any power. (H/T - FOX Sports)

Sorry, but I lost consciousness when she claimed she doesn’t have “big guns.” Does anyone have any duct tape? I’m fresh out.

Topics: Golf |

7 Responses to “Dude Swings Like A Lady”

  1. marvin Says:
    December 23rd, 2008 at 10:58 am

    A 175 pound athletic man is still more powerful then most 130 pound athletic women, even if his muscles had atrophied to that point.

    Also you owe us a good cheese cake picture to help wash the image to assist our eye wash.

  2. Assrot Says:
    December 23rd, 2008 at 6:07 pm

    Here’s a suggestion for you Wyatt. Never join the SWAT team. I hear it might make a girlie-man out of you.



    P.S. - Merry Christmas

  3. Wyatt Earp Says:
    December 23rd, 2008 at 6:16 pm

    Marvin - Done! See the next post.

    Joe - And to you, sir! And no, I’m not joining SWAT anytime soon!

  4. Doghouse Says:
    December 23rd, 2008 at 6:40 pm

    So, “she’s” now a girl but still swings a club. Hmmm …

  5. Jon Brooks Says:
    December 23rd, 2008 at 11:24 pm

    Wow. I thought I was speechless (or typless) from the Beef Colonge story.

  6. Alan B Says:
    December 24th, 2008 at 7:18 am

    Gives a new meaning to swinging both ways?

  7. Wyatt Earp Says:
    December 24th, 2008 at 4:58 pm

    Doghouse - Funniest comment of the day!

    Jon Brooks - You just know this “broad” wears it.

    Alan B - Well played, sir!