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WyattPalooza: The Day After

By Wyatt Earp | May 9, 2010

Well, WyattPalooza has come and gone, and the Earth is still intact. Who woulda thunk it? I think (well, hope) that everyone enjoyed themselves, but in case you were unable to attend, here is an accurate play-by-play account of the event.

As always, the following stories are true. No names were withheld to protect the innocent, because doing so would take away from teh funny.

I volunteered to drive Mrs. Crankipants because the Crankipants’ do not own a car. Seriously. Of course they live in Little Italy South Philly, so there’s not much need. Living down there is like living in Manhattan, except that South Philly always smells like hair gel, garlic, and shame. She gave me crap because I was late, oblivious to the fact that parking spaces in their neighborhood are about as rare as naked photos of Bea Arthur. (I have some of those. Thank you eBay!)

Captain America (my ghost co-host) had one job and one job only: to get to restaurant before everyone else and let the manager know we had arrived. That’s it, nothing else. I knew I’d be a little late coming from Little Italy, so I figured even he could handle this assignment. Of course, when we were two blocks from the restaurant, my cell phone rang. Guess who?

“You dude, where is this place?” the Captain asked.

(I knew I was wise to hitch my wagon to his star.) Incredulously, I replied, “It’s on the main circle around the mall! Right by all of the other restaurants!”

“Cheeseburger, Cheeseburger, right?” he asked.

“No, Cheeseburger in Paradise. Cheeseburger Cheeseburger is a different place,” I said.

“Okay, I think I see it now,” he said before hanging up. We arrived about five minutes later. When I finally saw the Captain, this exchange occurred (NSFW):

Yeah, one job and he blew it. In fairness, he did do something right. He took up two spaces for his Firebird so no one would park next to it. When we pulled up, Mrs. Crankipants said, “I’ll give you a dollar if you try to park next to him.” I balked.

The restaurant had the patio all set up for us, and when we arrived a few folks were already there. Captain America, Bitter, Sebastian, Ian, Bob (Either Orr), Mr. and Mrs. Robert B., Smite, and Cemetery. We were faced with a dilemma: sit with Bitter, et al, or at the other end of the long table near the Captain. Sadly, we chose the Cap.

The first thing that struck me, besides the tall (fifty ounces worth) cylinder of beer that was set up next to Smite, was that it was really windy. Like Wizard of Oz windy. At one point, a blade blew off one of the patio fans (RT posted a pic of that on her blog) and while we were eating, Mrs. Crankipants’ sweet potato chips blew off her plate and into the waiting mouth of Sebastian. Okay, they didn’t hit the mouth, but they came close. I was thinking, “Jesus, we’re gonna be crushed by a house and somehow it’ll be my fault!”

The waitress came out and took drink orders. She was pretty and looked as if she had two flotation devices on her chest – not that there was anything wrong with that. The woman made Christina Hendricks look like a ten-year old boy, and I was shocked that no one ordered chicken breasts by accident. Captain America ignored the urge for a fruity drink and ordered a Long Island Iced Tea instead. I asked for a 22-ounce mug of Land Shark lager. Good for what ails ya. Mrs. Crankipants ordered vodka on the rocks, with three olives, then quipped, “I haven’t eaten all day.” I saw Sebastian drinking a mojito, so at least he was adventurous.

In time, the rest of the guests arrived. RT, The Bitter American, and Old NFO – who drove up . . . from Virginia! VIRGINIA! When he told me that, I asked him if he was insane. Who drives four hours to meet people like us? Crazy ass people, that’s who! I see his security clearance being revoked in 3 . . 2 . .

Chesty LaRue came back to take appetizer requests. Mrs. Crankipants wanted fried conch and asked if we would split it with her. My reply? “What the frak is a conch?” RT, ever the wiseass, said, “It’s that shell you put to your ear to hear the ocean.” I was going to pass until Mrs. Crankipants stuck me with her pen and said, “You WILL have some. Got it?” When it came out it looked harmless enough, and to be honest, it was pretty tasty. I was waiting for her to tell me that it was really eel or rattlesnake, but Old NFO – world traveler that he is – confirmed its seafood status. He tried some, too, and said it was good.

In the meantime, we’re talking and laughing, and making fun of each other me, especially after the Captain told everyone how I didn’t know a lawn mower had an air filter – like you guys don’t already know I’m an idiot. In a desperate attempt to change the subject, I pointed as Smite, who is a walking Best Buy. I think he had a cellphone, Blackberry, beeper, and a thermal detonator in front of him. Apparently he was tracking weapons satellites and coordinating Predator drone missions during lunch.

Oh, and in case he didn’t overhear them, some of the female guests claimed that Smite has “dreamy eyes.” Maybe that’s why Sebastian couldn’t keep staring at him. Kidding, kidding!

In addition to appetizers, drinks, and lunch, some gifts were exchanged. Mrs. Crankipants brought me my new business cards – they rock, by the way – and Old NFO gave the Captain two boxes of rifle ammo. Truly, it is the gift that keeps on giving.

I prepared for a disaster, solely because it was me who was setting this thing up. At the end of the day, though, it turned out much better than I had ever expected. With the exception of the gale force winds and later-day cold, it was a pretty remarkable event. I felt badly that I didn’t get to talk as much to some of the other attendees – Bob (Either Orr), Robert B. and his lovely wife Lin and Lew, whose badge is much bigger than mine. I hope they understand.

Thank you all so much for coming. It humbles me that folks would come out to have lunch with the likes of me. Maybe, if you kids behave, we’ll try to put something together toward the end of the summer.

Other Recap Posts:

The Bitter American

Topics: Coolness! | 34 Comments »

34 Responses to “WyattPalooza: The Day After”

  1. Smite A. Hippie Says:
    May 9th, 2010 at 2:03 pm

    “I think he had a cellphone, Blackberry, beeper, and a thermal detonator in front of him.”

    shhh! ix-nay on the ermalthay etonatorday… not sure if my PA LTCF covers that one. ;-)

    “Apparently he was tracking weapons satellites and coordinating Predator drone missions during lunch.”

    Always vigilant, tracking/monitoring/hunting and smiting hippies! :-D

  2. Sebastian Says:
    May 9th, 2010 at 2:44 pm

    Cheeburger Cheeburger is pretty good, but you can’t get a Mojito there.

    A good time was had by all. We’ll have to do it again later in the summer.

  3. Bitter Says:
    May 9th, 2010 at 3:15 pm

    Don’t forget Ian Argent and his wife – very enjoyable conversations were had at our end of the very long table.

  4. Says:
    May 9th, 2010 at 4:00 pm

    [...] video is in – here Wyatt and Mrs. Crankipants wait for drinks… Lots of good conversation, friendly people and Mother [...]

  5. proof Says:
    May 9th, 2010 at 4:00 pm

    I can’t believe you guys didn’t invite me just because I live in California! Sounds like you had a good time!

  6. proof Says:
    May 9th, 2010 at 4:02 pm

    BTW, did you get the number for that waitress? I’m still looking for the next future ex-Mrs. Proof!

  7. Wyatt Earp Says:
    May 9th, 2010 at 4:10 pm

    Smite – Hippie Hunting: It’s not just a job, it’s an adventure.

    Sebastian – That mojito looked awfully tasty.

    Bitter – Crap. Fixed it. Sorry Ian!

    Proof – I wanted to, but when I saw her, all I could muster to say was “bleh.” Brain wouldn’t work.

  8. RT Says:
    May 9th, 2010 at 4:32 pm

    I don’t know. I think management was trying to get rid of us with that ceiling fan blade.

  9. Mrs. Crankipants Says:
    May 9th, 2010 at 4:48 pm

    Sorry to be posting this so late, but I’ve just emerged from an isolation chamber. For those of you not fortunate enough to meet the debonair and handsome Mr. Earp, one thing you may not know about him- the man can talk the ear off a brass monkey. He talked a blue streak from the time I opened my front door until we got to the restaurant. My head was spinning from the chatter and the tornado-like conditions that surrounded us.

    You should also know that Wyatt and Captain America talk to each other on the phone more that two teenaged girls. On an average day, they squabble more than Ralph and Alice Kramden. However, I don’t think either of them bowl.

    Now, a little something about me- generally I am a teetotaler. I never order anything stronger than a Shirley Temple or ginger ale. I had been in the Wyattmobile for approximately 45 seconds when he decides to bust a u-ey on a busy South Philly street! White knuckled, I held on for dear life. The rest of the ride was similar to sitting next to Popeye Doyle in The French Connection. Except in the movie version, Popeye had both hands on the wheel. Wyatt played with the radio dial, tied his sneakers, talked on his phone, ate Chinese take-out with chopsticks, and finished one of those “Seek-a-Word” books you get at the drug store, all while driving 90 mph. I began to regret leaving my rosary beads at home. By the time we arrived at the restaurant, an Absolut on the rocks was in order.

    I’ll end this by saying that Smite did indeed have dreamy eyes, and it was a warm, funny group of people who I enjoyed meeting immensely.

    I’d also like to thank our hosts, Wyatt and Captain America. I’d do it again in a South Philly minute!

  10. Wyatt Earp Says:
    May 9th, 2010 at 5:00 pm

    RT – Gee, ya think?

    Mrs. Crankipants – Liar, that is so untrue . . . I was doing a crossword puzzle. And come on, you have to admit my driving while texting and changing the radio station was teh awesome.

  11. Kim Says:
    May 9th, 2010 at 7:21 pm

    I am so sorry I was unable to make it. Hopefully the soap shipment arrived in time for you to smell fresh and clean for the gathering.

    I definitely hope to be able to make the one at the end of summer.

  12. Wyatt Earp Says:
    May 9th, 2010 at 7:44 pm

    Kim – It did, indeed! Thank you very much!

  13. Old NFO Says:
    May 9th, 2010 at 8:20 pm

    It was FUN, except for the drive… sigh… Y’all have a good bunch up there! And yeah, you and CA are like a couple of brothers (from different Mothers)… :-)

  14. CaptainAmerica Says:
    May 9th, 2010 at 9:07 pm

    LIAR! I call shenanigans!
    I would have found the place on the first lap if A: The address on Wyatts blog was actually the RESTAURANT in question and not the ENTIRE MALL! and B:The mall had street signs that actually were real streets. Instead they all said MALL BLVD.
    I also was there at 3:05 (fashionably late) but no one seemed to care as the PLACE HAS A BAR!

    While I did take two spaces (sort of) the Mall is not somewhere I would ever CONSIDER taking the Firebird under ordinary circumstances. So I nudged the other space a bit only to find out later that some dopey soccer mom managed to squeeze in anyway. Shudder!

    For the record I can attest to the delightful Mrs. Crankipants version of events (except the debonair and handsome part WDF?). I have been in the car with Wyatt before and could tell by her shocked expression and thousand yard stare that the woman was obviously traumatized. She needed a drink real bad.

    Like the great Oz said: “Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain”!

  15. Wyatt Earp Says:
    May 9th, 2010 at 9:31 pm

    Old NFO – Except his side of the family used to eat lead paint chips.

    Captain – Liar? Puh-lease. Your “directions” were the hand-written numerical address. If you printed out the Google directions I posted, you would HAVE BEEN THERE ON TIME! Similarly:

    1. You admit you arrived at 3:05. I asked you to be there by 2:45. Twenty minutes is just outside the “fashionably late” circle.

    2. You admit you took two spaces, just like I said. While I probably would have, too, if I brought that car there, I was right again. Ka-kow!

    3. Mrs. Crankipants is a very intelligent woman . . . when she is calling me dabonair and handsome. When she calls me an idiot, not so much.

  16. Mrs. Crankipants Says:
    May 9th, 2010 at 9:44 pm

    Thank you Captain, obviously you and I are kindred spirits! It was delightful meeting you as well. There’s one question I neglected to ask you at the meet: Is it a requirement for all Philadelphia Firefighters to be so good looking?

  17. CaptainAmerica Says:
    May 9th, 2010 at 10:23 pm

    Wyatt- blah, blah, blah!

    Mrs. Cranki- It’s either the smoke or the Vodka :)

  18. RT Says:
    May 9th, 2010 at 10:49 pm

    No comment.

  19. Wyatt Earp Says:
    May 10th, 2010 at 12:01 am

    Mrs. Crankipants/Captain America – GET A ROOM!

    RT – Wuss. :)

  20. Watuschskie Says:
    May 10th, 2010 at 12:22 am

    Hey Folks – I would really like to attend the next get together if they are open to old nasty patriotic farts like me. I’m in Allentown and Philly is just a short, heart-rending drive for me.

  21. Wyatt Earp Says:
    May 10th, 2010 at 12:24 am

    Watuschskie – Sorry, no Allentowners and no New Yorkers. :)

  22. Jon Brooks Says:
    May 10th, 2010 at 7:16 am

    Glad everyone left alive. The fanblade and wind sounded like it was almost another Final Destination movie.

  23. RogerDee Says:
    May 10th, 2010 at 8:14 am

    ” naked pictures of Bea Arthur” does NOT go well with my breakfast taco. Pass the salsa please!

  24. FDLE Lew Says:
    May 10th, 2010 at 11:10 am

    Enjoyed the meet – the wind not so much. Talking w/space wand was impossible in that wind. Next time, real “Miami Vice” stories for you, Wyatt.

  25. Wyatt Earp Says:
    May 10th, 2010 at 11:14 am

    Jon – Well, I did have a premonition that the waitress would give me a lap dance, but it never came true.

    Roger – Oh, sorry about that, chief!

    FDLE Lew – It’s a deal!

  26. Mrs. Crankipants Says:
    May 10th, 2010 at 12:34 pm

    “Get a room?”

    The Captain and I are going to ignore that volcano of vitriol.

  27. Wyatt Earp Says:
    May 10th, 2010 at 12:35 pm

    Mrs. Crankipants – The Captain won’t. He’ll respond to that the second he sees it. Count on it. Nice alliteration, by the way!

  28. Bob G Says:
    May 10th, 2010 at 1:48 pm

    Thank GOD I never thought of South Philly parking spaces as being AS RARE as naked Bea Arthur pics…until TODAY.
    I learned to DRIVE down there…AND park.
    (lucky as I used to be)

    Thanks for the visual…I think.

    Sounded like a great time had by all.


  29. Ian Argent Says:
    May 10th, 2010 at 3:44 pm

    Much fun was had at our end of the table as well – I’m sorry I didn’t venture farther up!

    The wind was about average to this former inhabitant of Castle Point on the Hudson, though. The winds we got at the restaurant were about middling for Hoboken.

  30. Uncle Ray Says:
    May 10th, 2010 at 6:18 pm

    Sounds like you guys had a great time. Congrats! But seriously, Dude, conch is like the “Mini-Me of Jabba the Hutt”. Man, you ate a slug! Might as well try escargot while you’re at it! Nasty!

  31. Watuschskie Says:
    May 10th, 2010 at 7:01 pm

    Now my Slovak/German/Polish feelings are severely hurt and I may never recover!

  32. Bitter American Says:
    May 10th, 2010 at 9:22 pm

    I came, I ate, i drank, and people survived my presence. All in all a good day,…

  33. CaptainAmerica Says:
    May 10th, 2010 at 11:38 pm

    Mrs. Cranki is just being polite. I just renewed my bridge troll license :)

    We have a cow… And I thought Conch was a fancy name for slug. Oofah!

  34. Wyatt Earp Says:
    May 11th, 2010 at 12:34 am

    Bob G – Yeah, it was a blast. And we’re never doing it again!!!

    Ian – Oh, well, Saturday must have been a picnic for you and the missus!

    Uncle Ray – I knew Mrs. Crankipants was forcing me to eat it for a reason!!!

    Watuschskie – You’ll recover after I post the next babe pic.

    BA – And no animals were harmed during the filming . . .

    Captain – See? I knew you had to respond! I win!