Russia Bears Down On Olympic Committee

By Wyatt Earp | March 7, 2010

The disappointing finish for the Russian athletes in the Vancouver Olympics sent shock waves through the Motherland. Sports fans cried in their borscht and drowned their sorrows in vodka. Russian President Dmitry Medvedev on the other hand, took more aggressive measures.

His reactions are the subject of this week’s Family Security Matters article. Here’s a sample:

Greetings! My name is Dmitry Medvedev, and I am the president of the Russian Federation. Recently, the elite athletes of my country competed in the Vancouver Olympic Games and their performances were – how you say? – less than exemplary. In fact, many of these men and women looked as about as athletic as Wilfred Brimley. The once mighty Russian hockey team did not make it to the medal round, and our previously dominant ice skating squad left Vancouver with more gold in their teeth than around their necks. This is unacceptable, and I hold the members of my country’s Olympic committee solely responsible. As a result, the men and women of the committee have been brought to my dacha and have been punished for their crimes. Er, figuratively, or course.

The survivors were released with a new appreciation of the phrase, “No pain, no gain.” They have also been offered a pretty good deal: either accept early retirement or receive a free vacation in beautiful Siberia. Sadly, the Western media completely misread my attempt at constructive criticism and posted these lies instead:

You can read the rest of the communist goodness by clicking here.

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