True Detective Stories
By Wyatt Earp | October 21, 2009
There is not a more entertaining shift than the 3pm – 11pm tour. Why do I say that? Because the knuckleheads come out after noon – since they don’t have jobs and sleep until lunchtime. Speaking of knuckleheads, we had a doozy come to the window last night, and boy was he a MENSA candidate.
Lucky for me, and unlucky for him, The Godfather was at the window. After spending five minutes helping the man open it – he couldn’t read the big, printed directions saying, “SLIDE WINDOW” – the MENSA member asked if he could see his friend. Apparently, his friend was arrested the night before . . . for homicide. Mr. MENSA wanted to talk to the murder suspect to “see if he is okay and if he needed anything.” When The Godfather replied that, no, he couldn’t visit and chat with a suspected murderer, the man was incredulous:
Mr. MENSA: “You mean I can’t see him?”
The Godfather: “No sir. He was arrested for homicide.”
Mr. MENSA: “And that means I can’t see him?”
The Godfather: “That’s correct. He isn’t even being held here. He would be at the Homicide Division.”
Mr. MENSA then proceeded to sing the praises of his friend – the alleged murderer – and explaining the motives of the crime he didn’t witness.
Mr. MENSA: “Ya know, this was a case of self-defense.”
The Godfather: “Really? He allegedly shot the man four times with an AK-47.”
(Crickets.)
Mr. MENSA: “Yeah, but it was an assault weapon. He pulled the trigger once, and the bullets just came flying out.”
The Godfather: “Um, you know that the weapon was a semi-automatic, right?”
(Crickets.)
I figured it was my duty to interject some snark into the situation, so I added this gem: “That means he would have had to pull the trigger four times, chief.”
Mr. MENSA was not about to let facts get in the way of a good defense, so he ended his meet and greet with a flourish. “Yeah, well the guy that was killed was a bum. This guy [the shooter] is a good guy. He was in Vietnam. He was a sniper. He’s not a chump.”
And with that, he turned and left the building. I was going to say that if the man was a sniper he was a professional killer, but as usual, self-control got the better of me. Heh.
Topics: True Detective Stories | 10 Comments »
October 21st, 2009 at 7:44 am
So much for the snipers credo..One shot, one kill.
October 21st, 2009 at 9:45 am
“Mr. MENSA was not about to let facts get in the way of a good defense…”
I guess from that we can infer that he is either a congressman or a senator.
October 21st, 2009 at 12:20 pm
Jon – If I were the defense attorney, I would keep this guy far away from my client.
John D – In Philly, he could be the next mayor.
October 21st, 2009 at 12:27 pm
How dare you not let friends visit in jail cells! Just because they have been arrested for murder, it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t let them have the comfort of their friends come and console them and offer them candy bars and cigarettes. How cruel can you be? And here I thought you were a kind and compassionate detective. I now know you are just so heartless to those poor, poor helpless criminals.
October 21st, 2009 at 12:31 pm
Kim – Hey, maybe I can order him some goat milk soap for his troubled skin?
October 21st, 2009 at 1:47 pm
All I can say is; I bet the godfather has a strong heart!
My respect to both of you. You have a tough job…
October 21st, 2009 at 4:25 pm
Teetop – No, The Godfather is a heartless bastard, but he is a good detective.
October 21st, 2009 at 9:16 pm
1. I think Mr. Mensa got confused. He’s so used to visiting hours at the psych ward, he just naturally thought that suspected murders would be allowed a visit.
2. King Ball Bag…bag of donuts, whoever he is, and Mr. Mensa should become friends. They sound like they have a lot in common.
October 22nd, 2009 at 2:55 am
Good grief Wyatt how many people were in Viet Nam anyway? I was there and I am 65 and it was 1965 when I went there. How old is that murderer anyway?
October 22nd, 2009 at 9:17 am
Obviously the Idiots R Us chapter is alive and flourishing in your city.