True Court Stories
By Wyatt Earp | August 3, 2009
See this handsome looking fellow on the left? That man is the unforgettable Monopoly Guy. After today’s events in court, however, that man is also yours truly. Here’s the scoop:
Last week, I processed a body warrant for one of my fellow detectives. It was a warrant for domestic abuse. Now normally, domestic warrants are met with detectives running around the division yelling “Yippie, yippie!” because the court time involved is almost limitless. The defendant sometimes fails to show (and a bench warrant is issued), or (as is usually the case) the victim fails to appear.
Most popular reason for a victim no-show: “But, I love him!”
Today’s case was unusual because the victim was the male. He had his sorry ass whooped by his woman, probably because he didn’t keep his pimp hand high. Heh. She roughed him up, leaving visible injuries on his face and head.
Today, they both appeared in the courtroom. I was shocked.
Anyway, the court crier – a miserable woman – was running through the listed cases. Now the victim and the defendant came in together, apparently on the wings of love. The rocket scientists sat right next to me, and when I said hello, they looked at me as if I had three heads.
They didn’t recognize me. Oh, this was going to be sweet.
The two started a conversation, so naturally I eavesdropped. My first impression? The guy probably deserved his ass-kicking. He kept ordering the woman around – and keeping his pimp hand high – the entire time.
“There’s your defense attorney. Go talk to him. NOW!!!“
It was priceless. When it came time for their case, though, something queer happened. The crier called the defendant’s name and she stood. The A.D.A. then asked if the victim was present.
No response.
The ADA asked again. Nothing. I turned and looked right at the guy, who got up and walked out of the courtroom as if nothing happened. I shook my head and let out a laugh – loud enough for the defendant to hear me. So, because the victim “was not present,” the case received a new date.
Now, you may be thinking, “But Wyatt, weren’t you pissed that you wasted your morning for nothing?” Not at all. Here’s what really happened today:
1. Just for showing up in the courtroom, I get a minimum of two hours overtime.
2. Because I am working night shift tonight, I also get an automatic two vacation hours.
3. I was thoroughly entertained by these two morons for two hours, and countless other morons who populate the “Love Court.”
4. I will be subpoenaed to the next court case, which just happens to be during night work in October. So, I’ll get a minimum of two and two yet again. Most domestic cases are not thrown out until the third listing, so my pockets will continue to be lined by two people who think they are pulling one over on me.
God bless America!
Topics: The Job | 7 Comments »
August 3rd, 2009 at 9:26 pm
Ka-ching!
August 4th, 2009 at 12:01 am
Damn, I actually have to WORK for my overtime… sigh…
And yeah, milk it for all it’s worth! Or next time around point out the victim and watch the SHTF 
August 4th, 2009 at 5:45 am
Unbelievable. It must be a three ring circus in love court.
August 4th, 2009 at 5:51 am
Ssshhhhh! What if Mayor Squidward or Gov. Fast Eddie finds out???
August 4th, 2009 at 9:25 am
Those two ought to have to face Judge Judy. She seems to laser in on “morons r us” types. Judge J would have called his sorry butt back to his seat when he got about halfway down the aisle. Congrats on the buckage. Will come in handy with the remodel!
August 4th, 2009 at 11:39 am
RT – And if Nutter goes through with his threat of laying off police officers, the rest of us will be making much more in OT. The politicians don’t realize that.
Old NFO – Not until the final listing. That’ll guarantee at least two more.
Admiral – It’s the greatest show on earth.
GroovyVic – Nothing they can do about it. They already tried to cut our OT. Sad part is that detectives are almost always subpoenaed for court. Best job . . . evah!
MeToo – Exactly why I’m loving it.
August 5th, 2009 at 5:38 pm
You may wish to catch up with the person who is acting Prime Minister at the moment (they are doing a job share while Gordon is on his hols).
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1204359/In-week-Harriet-Harman-takes-charge-feminist-initiative.html
Referred to by certain blogs as Harridan Harperson, she is Deputy PM and Equality Minister. One of the things she and her “sisters” have done is to get a battered wives refuge closed down. The law says that public money cannbot be used to benefit one sex or one minority (or majority) against another. So, a battered wives refuge, because it is not available to battered men (a significant, although small proportion of domestic incidents), is to be closed down and the money used to help both sexes in their current homes. From whence, if you are keeping up with the insanity, the battered wives have had to flee because they were in danger! [Hence the term, "refuge".]
And there’s lots more! Well done Harridan Harperson! Gordon will be proud of you.
Can’t think of a better reason for NOT voting Labour. (I can think of lots of reasons and most of them include insanity somewhere.)