English Hippies Want WiFi Deactivated
By Wyatt Earp | January 3, 2009
Why, you ask? Well, it seems that the invisible signals and the deadly sound waves are ruining the town’s feng shui.
Somehow, I just know that Karl Rove is to blame for this:
“BIG WIFI IS RIPPING US OFF!”
Idiots.
Turn off that Wi-Fi network — it’s disturbing our chakras.
That’s what many residents of Glastonbury, a lovely medieval town turned New Age hub in southwestern England, are demanding the local government do.
Ever since the town’s free municipal wireless broadband network went online in May, people have been complaining of, as an online petition puts it, “headaches, dizziness, nausea, severe tiredness, brain fog, disorientation and loss of appetite, loss of balance, inability to concentrate, loss of creativity” — all ailments an examining physician would find it difficult to prove or disprove.
Okay, I am not a doctor, but I used to play one with the ladies. I am also not a WiFi expert. (Hell, I don’t even know what the “Fi” means in WiFi.) But I am pretty sure that WiFi signals can give you nothing but free, roving internet service.
The headaches and the brain fog are a result of the town’s low-hanging marijuana clouds. Don’t eat the brown acid, and you’re troubles will cease!
“This place is not appropriate for a Wi-Fi trial,” resident Linda Taylor tells the local Fosse Way magazine. “People are complaining of headaches, tingling skin among other symptoms. This makes me wonder what is it doing to the children.”
Tingling skin. Yeah, I get that, too, especially when I want to impale a dirty, stinking hippie and I am all out of spears!
“I don’t want my son exposed to risk 24 hours a day, including at his primary school, which is within the Wi-Fi zone,” yoga teacher Natalie Fee tells London’s Telegraph. “I would be failing in my duty as a parent if I did.”
No, you are failing in your duty – Heh, heh, “duty” – as a parent by forcing him to tell his classmates that his mother is a freakin’ yoga teacher! Kid probably gets his ass beat every day after school. And rightly so.
One man has even begun making orgone generators, which use crystals, semi-precious stones and gold to purportedly put out positive energy to combat the negative vibes flooding the town from the Wi-Fi base stations. (H/T – FOXNews)
Here’s an idea. Maybe you idiots could save the gold and make enough money to buy every person in town a nice, tin foil hat.
Jackasses.
Topics: Snarkasm | 9 Comments »
January 3rd, 2009 at 10:52 am
Maybe it isn’t the wifi. Other possible explanations.
The joos are using witchcraft to zap their creativity.
The military is secretly burying nuclear waist underneath the town.
Moxargon really hates hippies, and is zapping them with some kind stupid ray.
Bush is testing a crazy person gas on them.
January 3rd, 2009 at 11:21 am
I think the wifi got to me and I accidentally added my name again to the blogaversary thing. Can you remove one of them?
January 3rd, 2009 at 11:36 am
Free, universal access to Wireless Internet is a sham that is unjustly funded by tax dollars.
This whole “digital divide” is a sly play on words that basically boils down to the haves vs the have nots. The haves have because they do what is right. The have nots don’t have for a reason.
Universal (fill in the blank) anything is a code word for “make people like Jason pay more taxes so the financially challenged among us can continue to remain a boil on the arse of society”.
I’m glad the hemp wearing/smoking/eating crowd is up in arms about wifi. Now I do two things professionally that drives the hippies up a tree (the other has to do with firearms).
January 3rd, 2009 at 12:52 pm
Could wifi be the cause of bad teeth and crappy food? On the bright side,I know where to unload my collection of copper bracelets and toe rings.
January 3rd, 2009 at 4:17 pm
A lovely little English town invaded by nutters!
The view is taken from the top of Glastobury Tor which provides a lovely vantage point after a stiff walk/climb.
The scenery below is the Somerset Levels which were at or only just above sealevel for long periods making the tor an important site.
January 4th, 2009 at 2:40 am
Maybe they are onto something. I’ve been bugged since childhood at the notion of radio/TV/etc. waves, zipping around through the atmosphere and anything else (like me, for example). It gives me the creeps. Cell phones got popular when I was a bigger kid, and added another level of cringe. WiFi- aside from it being unreliable for the sort of uses I need internet for- is just the icing on my little paranoia cake.
And yes, it was one of the first things I thought of when my son was diagnosed- I never bought the “it’s the vaccines” crap. The incidence of autism has gone up a lot in recent years… just like use of cell phones, WiFi, other wireless devices (think baby monitors and cordless house phones), satellite TV, etc. etc. I’m not out building orgone generators or protesting, but would I mind much if society stopped being so techy? Not a bit (at the home-use level).
You may feel free to commence making fun of me. I am very aware that I’m a crackpot. ^_^
January 4th, 2009 at 6:19 am
I’ve wanted to go to Glastonbury for some time now. It’s where King Arthur is supposed to be buried. I’d love to see the ruins of the old abbey there (curse you Henry VIII)! But if I have to run a gauntlet of hippies, I say no thank you.
January 4th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
Hey Ki
When I was last there the hippies were easily avoidable. Somerset people in general are just fine, small town folk. While you are in the area, try Wells with its wonderful cathedral and if you are into geology in a big way (I am) then Portishead is a little known jewel. And, of course, Cheddar Gorge and Burrington Combe (where the hymn “Rock of Ages” was composed) and not a million miles away from …
January 4th, 2009 at 4:29 pm
It’s the fault of fluoridation, leading to the loss of vital bodily essence.
Or maybe somebody read Waldo by Heinlein, and decided to cash in on the fears of their more custard-headed neighbors.