A Cut Above The Rest
By Wyatt Earp | July 25, 2008
By the time you read this, my “swimmers” may already be dead.
That’s right, today is V-Day, and I am scheduled to be snipped in an hour. I know what you ladies are thinking: “But Wyatt, why didn’t you let us know sooner? It could have been our chance to have you father my baby!” Sorry, about that, but my piddling detective salary cannot handle 4,000 kids.
Actually, you’re all probably thinking, “Why the Hell would he be writing about this?”
Well, for those of you new to SYLG, I pretty much talk about anything and everything, especially when it’s about me. Besides, this story is chock full of stuff to laugh at me about, and I am nothing if not self-deprecating. Let the “less of a man” comments commence!
In all seriousness, I don’t know what I’ll be like after the procedure, but I have been warned that I’ll either be doped up, in incredible pain, or both. And while the prospect of a drugged-up Wyatt post seems like a terrific idea, I don’t think that will be happening. It’s bad enough when I post while drunk. Heh.
So, I have already written today’s Weekend Caption Contest and another post for later in the day. These both will publish automatically for your reading pleasure. I will do everything in my power to post on a semi-regular basis this weekend, but again, it all depends upon how I am feeling. My weekend now consists of sitting in the basement, watching TV, some new DVDs – John Adams being one of them – and playing Grand Theft Auto IV.
And with that, I’m off to surgery. Everything should go well, but in the off chance that something untoward happens, please avenge my death.
AVENGE ME!!!!!
9PM UPDATE: I’m back online! You can check out the gruesome details below the fold . . . if you dare.
Frakkin’ ouch, man! Everything hurts downstairs! God bless frozen peas. Anyway, here’s how the day played out:
The missus drove me to the urologists office, as I was scheduled to be the first appointment of the day. The nurse took me back, handed me a delightfully form-fitting paper gown, and told me to get undressed. When I was ready, I entered the procedure room and was met by the nurses. One nurse was in her 40′s and smoking hot. Her assistant was in her mid-20′s and even hotter. Not exactly what I needed at a time like this.
They instructed me to lie down on the table, and the older nurse “adjusted” the gown so my, um, area, was visible. I almost died of embarrassment, but thankfully, they didn’t giggle. The nurse poured a liquid sterilizer on the area, and I almost jumped out of the room.
“Oh, it’s pretty cold. When it is warm, it doesn’t do the job,” she said. Yeah, thanks for the warning, honey.
The doctor entered and got right to work. He didn’t even buy me dinner. After checking my area, he administered the local anesthesia. He did so with two needle injections down south. Not fun. When the local allegedly kicked in, he started working, and that’s when I realized a sobering thought:
I could feel a lot of pain.
The nurses tied my legs down beforehand – a good move – but the doc immediately knew I was uncomfortable. When he asked if I was okay, I immediately replied, “No,” and the doctor administered a third injection. Damn.
That one worked fairly well, and the procedure finished about 20 minutes later. I have to test my count in seven weeks, and following weeks until I am declared “safe.”
Long story short – too late, I know – everything still hurts. It’s not excruciating, but more of a dull throbbing. Guys, I would liken it to getting kicked there about once every five minutes. The frozen peas are a godsend – they work wonders – and the Percocet is doing its job, too.
Since Dorkelina previously asked, I will be blunt: I wouldn’t want to do this again. The procedure hurt, but that had a lot to do with the third needle. And almost twelve hours later, there is pain, but it is bearable. That being said, it was not nearly bad as I thought it would be. Personally, I think Sparky can handle it. He’s a soldier. I, on the other hand, am a wuss.
Although, I wouldn’t recommend blogging the same day, since I am not sure if anything I am writing is coherent. Thanks for the well wishes, and I’m sorry if I grossed y’all out.
Topics: All About Wyatt | 27 Comments »
I got snipped too, but all I had to do was say “I do”
Don’t forget the frozen peas.
So you will be avoiding Chickipedia for a while?
Ooh, I caught part of John Adams the other night, looked pretty good really.
And remember, your swimmers may not all be dead for something like six weeks! So Mrs. Earp better keep the cattle prod handy a while longer, to keep ya off ’til you’re sure they are all gone. Hah!
I hope everything goes swimmingly…. oops…
So, when will you be ready to go horseback riding?
Best of luck.
Just don’t forget to wear the funnel thing on your head and don’t lick the sutures…wait…that’s what the vet said when we got my dog snipped…never mind. lol
Seriously, good luck, and have a speedy recovery.
Hope your doctors name isn’t Dr. Shakey!
Good luck Wyatt!
Hope you are enjoying good pain drugs!
The Man – Ouch! Actually, the missus and I are rather active in that area, and next month will be 11 years.
Doghouse – I am utilizing them every hour. Still hurts, though.
Deanna – ABSOLUTELY!!!
Dorkelina – Yeah, I get my count “tested” in seven weeks. The doc said that if I don’t get a zero reading after a few months, they might have to go in again. No way that’s happening!
Mope – Bastard.
BobG – Not for quite some time. Unless it is in Peru with a fabulous babe.
Admiral – Well, I didn’t die, but the pain? Not so good.
DL474 – I truly hate you, woman!
TW – You are evil.
Deanna – Percocet. Mmm . . . yummy!
Don’t forget my offer of the band castrator if it doesn’t take.
Hope you heal quickly.
The military medical system saved me from a similar fate. The wife and I decided that whomever could get in first would “get fixed”.
For me to have a vasectomy was a 4-6 month wait, with numerous appointments to make sure I really wanted to do it.
My wife, who wasn’t seen by military doctors called her OB/GYN and asked how long the wait was for a tubal, he said “how’s next Friday”.
And that’s why I can still swim.
“DL474 – I truly hate you, woman!”
bah…just teasing.
Now, now, don’t get testes with me Mr. Flappy Sacks. lolol
Hey dragon sent me over, she said something like “He used to be an almond joy, but now he’s just a mounds”…hehehe.
Oh btw dragon is sitting next to me and she says to tell you “sometimes you feel like a nut, and sometimes you don’t”.
Kim – Okay, you just made “the list!”
RT – Thanks!
CP – Lucky bastard. Thanks for rubbing it in!
DL474 – It;s gonna hurt like Hell when I come down there and send you to the dentist again!
MsGoldbloom – Stay away from her. She’s pure evil!
OK Mr. FS just for that I propose that all of your co-workers reading this blog leave mounds candy bars on your desk…but only the fun size!
DL474 – Believe me, my co-workers make you guys look like amateurs. They are leaving me pink panties and malted milk balls in my desk as we speak . . .
ROFLMAO!!!!!!
OH NO don’t underestimate me, if I worked with you I’d be leaving kotex and a bottle of midol in your desk drawer. Oh and possibly a subscription to women’s day magazine.
DL474 – Oh, I would never underestimate you. I was just giving an example of the clowns I work with.
Yikes, CP’s story scares ME!
Here’s hoping your get better soon.
Dorkelina – That’s the Army for ya. Maybe you and Sparky should participate in a similar contest?
Rick – Thanks. Day 2, and I have a lot of swelling, but the pain is the same. Not worse, so that’s good.
[...] on by and wish him your best… Wyatt over at Support Your Local Gunfighter has had a delicate procedure. I won’t say what it is, I’ll just say that this picture of Scrat is a clue. Stop by and [...]
There’s something to be said in favor of a high pain tolerance. I has one.
I hope you feel better soon and that the Doc doesn’t have to go back and fix things again.
Better you than me.